tap tap tap....is this thing on?

.......so, I did it. I fell off the blogging bandwagon, AGAIN. I am pretty sure this is going to be a never ending cycle... so to you "9" followers, be prepared to be let down every now and again.. ha.

So for an update.... it is slow going around here. The school year is wrapping up, so I will have lots of Aaron and Alyssa soon.
Saddest news of all is that my dearest little friend Ainsley is leaving me. She has been in my life since she was 5 months old....and she will be 4 yr old on July 21st. *sigh* She will be moving with her mom and soon to be step father to California. Sad. I really do cry at a drop of a hat thinking about it. You should have seen the blubbering idiot I was with Ainsley at Build a Bear last week. We went and she picked an animal, and I made two "Sounds" that were put in the hands of the bunny, one said "Ainsley, Layla loves you, you are my favorite" and the other one said "Ainsley say your prayers 'Thank you Jesus for my day, Amen" It was all I could do to clear my voice up enough to record the words.... Ainsley stopped in her tracks, ran up to me and told me not to cry because she loves me. It was so bad that the Build A Bear lady stopped filling the bunny and hugged my neck and then kissed my cheek and told me that it was going to be alright....
I.Am.A.Mess.

Onto other news.

The baby front.....

Well still nothing.
However, it has been a mostly relaxing and less stressful month not having to track, plan, and test....for my fertility.
Tomorrow, we have the appointment with the Urologist for Jason's infertility.So we will see what they have to say.

And on the homefront.

I am trying to be a more clean housekeeper, not too sure how my family thinks about it, but I do try....

On the couponing front...

My coupon closet is depleting.....and I have yet been on the bandwagon to get 100% on the ball with it. I feel bad, because there are people in my life who I know benefited from my couponing surplus, but when it comes down to organizing the coupons, ugh, does not sound fun for me right now.

On the church front....

Someone asked me to write my conversion story to my new church. It was a big deal for me, and I was tormented by my past, and it was a hard decision to jump....I will be writing a post on how I  became Pentecostal. (which was actually "officially" 3 years ago yesterday)  That post is coming I promise.

Today is Memorial Day. I am beyond thankful for what the military men and women have done for me and my freedoms! I have many veterans in my family, and am thankful for each and every one of them....I also enjoyed the day of relaxation, our family spent the day at Julie's house and we cooked out, and we bbq'ed, I snuggled with Emma Jemma..

Lapband and other health things.

Ugh. I am not happy with it right now....and sad thing is....is that it is all my fault.
Lets back up bit...

Two weeks we went to go get fills in our lapband - this is where they take saline via a surenge and using the port under my skin, fill the lapband to give me more restriction on how much I can eat, thus giving me less of an appetite, because the smaller amount will fill me up quicker, and with less food.

Well when I went in, they noticed the pouch above my lapband (where the food I eat sits until it slowly falls through the lapband into my bigger stomach to be processed) was stretched a little bit. So instead of putting fill into my band, they took most of my fill out because they want the pouch to have no restriction thus giving it an oppertunity to shrink back to normal. With the saline being removed, my hunger increased and I can eat anything I want...where as with a fill, you have a hard time eating carb filled things, and a few other not so good for you kinds of foods....

Thats where I am now. Hungry, Fill-less, with the ability to eat what I haven't been able to in a long time.

In the last two week, I have honestly gained 9lbs. N.I.N.E.

AGH!

I have no self control I suppose.
So that tells me,
Lapband hasn't really turned me into a health nut like I imagined.
I know I know, I have to learn and do different.....
but what I have learned is
the food battle I am fighting is ALL IN MY HEAD.
I have to learn this, and I am not.

I will have had the lapband for 2 years in November. With that I have only lost 37 pounds (well 28 now that I gained weight)

I am going to have to buckle down and get my family eating on the right track. I have to take care of my husband so that his lapband is working for him, I need him to lose weight as much as I do.....if we are going to have babies, his weight has a lot to do with his male infertility issues I am sure.

I hate being fat, but I love food. Food is dumb.

Because my body has gained weight and I have no self control, my doctor called me in an appetite suppresant so I can continue to try to have control during this time...because I feared that I would gain ALL the weight back that i had lost....
But when I get my fill put back in here in a few weeks I will stop taking it.
Some people think that me taking this medicine is complete weakness, but what they don't understand is that I have never had self control, and these are things I am trying to learn, and to open the flood gate of me getting to eat anything I want when I want, is dangerous since I haven't conqured the lapband idea....
I know I know I need to get back into the gym, and that is a part of my problem to begin with....but now life is slowing down for me, some major changes are happening I will have the ability to get up and go to the gym without worrying about other peoples schedules...it will happen.
However, with gym, that opens another can of worms....
I have made the decision to wear nothing but skirts in my life, so that includes workout clothes...I have no skirts to work out in, and I haven't a clue where to get some, i want some jersey knit knee length skirts, but I haven't been able to find it.....I know I know excuses excuses, but hey, I am just being honest at where I am in life.

Mother's Day 2012

I need to get better at taking pictures of things.....ha. I have no official Mother's Day 2012 pictures this year - but as I think about it, I have never had any picture taken on Mother's Day.
My day started out with Aaron puking and sick as a dog. He stayed home from church....I had to drop off Jason to do the sound for music practice, then I had to rush home, get dressed for church, do my hair, then off to pick up Alyssa for church, she had to be there early for the children's choir...then I ran home, picked up the gifts and got back to church...I had to do some final touches on our mothers day skit, and then do pre-church prayer....
This year I was in charge of a skit for church about Mother's Day, as well as getting 5 Mother's Day gifts to give to ladies at the church via raffle tickets.....in the midst of all that work, I missed out on the roses the church passes out to all the mothers.

After church we went home, checked on Aaron, exchanged gifts with Tracy (she got me a beautiful porcelain ring holder for my sink, she said she noticed one day I had set my rings down on the counter, and she was afraid they would fall down the drain...yay for the people who look at the details of things....Jason said we were going to go buy a purse on Sunday, because I needed a new one, but we didn't have time, so I got nothing from him yet....now he is talking about ordering me some hi-tech bluetooth headphones...I keep telling him to not worry about it, the day has passed....so we will see), and then went out to eat. We ended up at Pluckers, with no wait! yay!
We ran to CVS to get Aaron some more medicine, then we went home. I straightened up a bit but then Jason told me to take a nap...I did for a little bit. Jason came in and woke me up to let me know how Aaron was doing, and after he left the room I was unable to sleep, but I laid there anyways.
After I got up from my nap, we went to choir practice, then had church....and then after church, I went to Julie's house because...........................................................
are you ready..................................................
Julie had to spend the night at the hospital with Emma because she was coming home! yay, did you read that, EMMA CAME HOME!
So, I had to stay overnight at Julie's so while she was being monitored at the NICU for her mothering ability, I was with Shayla and Jasmine.

So that was my Mother's Day in a nutshell......

Sometimes I don't feel very motherly, and sometimes I don't think I am recognized in my role, like I wrote a while back about step parenting, I am a mother, and would do anything for my step kids, there is always that piece of me that feels like "just Layla" and not too special to them....but I guess no parent really is treated with any more special love.......sigh....

YAY for Dallas/Fort Worth

I am an hour short of being a week late with the Show Us Your Life link up on Kellys Korner Blog....but with that being said, I think it is super cool that she is giving us a platform to reach out to people who are in our area....
A few things about me that may have already been written about but to save you time on whether or not you wanna read anything I am going to give you a few bullet points...here they are...

• I was born and raised in Fort Worth, Tx, and if I had my way, I would probably still be living there.
• I lived in Nacogdoches for a few years...and no I didn't go to SFA.
• I am married with two step children, no kids of my own.
• I thought for the last few years I was infertile, and these last few months I was doing treatments..all to find out I can actually use the "It's not me, it's you" line with my husband - he is the infertile one as of now.
• I am 31, and wish I was 25.
• I have a sewing machine, and wish I knew how to sew well, I can convert a pair of pants into a skirt with no problem......however patterns scare me.
• People say that I cook well....they come back for seconds, so I guess thats good.
• I love pinterest. but hate it at the same time....
• I wish I was a cleaner/more organized person.....or I guess I should say...less lazy, not sure....help!
• Folding towels are my favorite thing to do with the laundry...I even wrote a post about how to do it.....
• I am currently almost done with my babysitting career, the little girl i have been watching for the last three and a half years is moving to California.
• We are going to California for family vacation, we have to visit our little Ainsley.
• I have two little sisters, who are not so little anymore.
• I can wiggle my ears.
• I have never in my whole life been able to cart wheel.
• I love my family.
• I love my church.
• I love my husband the most - he is second in line to Jesus.

So there it is, a little bit of this and a little bit of that, I will update this list if I can think of anything witty or clever to say.
If you are in the dfw area, feel free to comment, email, or even find me on facebook!

Speechless, for the good and the bad.

For those of you looking for updates on fertility or the lack there of (I tried several times to pen my thoughts, however nothing has come to me when I sit down to catch you up...)..... this might be the post for you.
However since there are lots of things I didn't update you with this month....it might be a bit long and boring, or you may even be surprised that it won't be as long as you think....just go with it.
And believe it or not, there is a twist at the end, so hold on to your ovulation tests......it's gonna be a ride.
I have had a very basic fertility month.
Had my AF, three days later had an internal sonogram. (yay, not my favorite when you are dealing with cramps!), had another sono to check egg development, everything was looking good. I ovulated, and a week later had a good progesterone levels......
So technically I am waiting for my AF or a positive preg test...but with the symptoms i am having today, the AF is in the near future...last month it was two days later than predicted.....

So in addition to the normal things I have been going through, this month we finally had a little financial break and we were able to put some money towards getting Jason tested.
Last Thursday I rushed Jason's sample to the specialist, to have it analyzed.
Since Jason has a kid already, no one had need for alarm, we just wanted to rule it out.
Today we got the results.

So do you want the good news or the bad news first?

I am gonna go with the bad news, so we can just rip off the bandaid.......

Jason's sample came back highly abnormal.
So basically, not only does he have low counts, but they have morphing issues, and only less than 1% are normal....
So we now have to make an appointment to go see a urologist to see what can be done to fix it.
But we did some of our own research today, and found that with diet and exercise, some vitamin supplements and a little extra tlc, things can improve....we are not worried....God is still in control. Actually, Jason said, that maybe all this infertility stuff is God's way of forcing us to get healthy! ha ha. Probably.

So that means the GOOD NEWS is.............

Talking with Debbie about Jason's results, she said more likely she won't have to see me again for the treatments we are going through...Debbie had mentioned that she was going to make me take a break from the meds this month anyways, but now it is going to be almost permanent...But since Jason has the actual infertility issue, the only reason she would need to see me is because the urologist may recommend and IUI and in the worst case, but very possible case an IVF (which is way more costly) which then would result in me having to go through similar treatment with either an insertion of the "good" swimmers (IUI) or where they take my eggs and his stuff and then they make a petri baby and insert it at 5 days after ovulation (IVF)....but that is the only time she will need to see me.

So today was SUPER bitter sweet.

YAY!!!! There is nothing wrong with me! YAY!!!!!

Can you say, a weight has been lifted!

But I am sad, because I know Jason isn't showing any emotional signs, and I know he says he isn't worried, but I don't know what this process now holds for him, and me....and I don't want him to get distressed in the knowledge that he has to be fixed in some way....

I did get encouraged and discouraged at the same time. It was a weird flood of emotions, all at the same time.


NOW for the important question...

Have you, your family, your friends, etc....had to deal with male infertility? I want to read more candid thoughts and feelings about it.....process, costs, etc....but I guess this is a very taboo subject and I haven't found a single blog that is candid and real about this.... Help me!

Family Fun Day.....errrr...night.

There was a Main Street Festival this past weekend in Grand Prairie, we got held up in the traffic a few times, and we even saw the Ferris wheel as we were driving through town, so we decided once our errands were done (we had a few) we would see about stopping in on the fair....

When we finally got there around 8:30pm, we decided to give the kids $20 each to spend as the choose. Which is easy to BLOW at a fair where one game costs $3 a DART.

But none the less, after blowing a quick $100, we could say that we had a GREAT time! Here are a few pictures from our Impromptu Family Night.

 This is at the beginning of the fair, we unfortunately DID ride the Ferris wheel, and there may or may not be a 6 minute video of me FREAKING out on the ride mentioned above.

Alyssa and Aaron did the fun house, and Jason snapped a picture from the outside as they were trying to maneuver through the glass and mirrors...

 Jason, Aaron and Alyssa rode this one together. Alyssa was so scared that she thought she wet herself, luckily it was a false alarm.
This ride was where every stood up, and the ride went into a fast circle then it moved up and down and side to side, eeeek, didn't look to fun for me and my motion sickness proned self.

We played this game together, you had to squirt water through the bulls eye to blow up a balloon, and whose ever balloon popped first one...now, mine SHOULD have won, it was a large balloon almost filled to capacity, however Aaron's popped first and it was small......he got to pick a big prize, he chose the yellow angry bird.

Here Alyssa is on the "tornado", she had just got off the Ferris wheel where she acted to be scared but she begged and wanted to be on this ride, I don't think her fear on the ferries wheel was genuine, because there would be no way for me to ever think about to get on this ride. As a matter of fact as we sat at the fence waiting for her ride to be over there was a Carnie, who tried to pay me $5 to get on the ride, and I told him that wasn't enough to get me up there, then he flashed his debit card like I believed a Carnie enough cash in his account to pay me off......

Ok and for proof, here my dear friends and family is the youtube video of me freaking out on the Ferris wheel, I hope you enjoy! And will someone please show Uncle David! ;-)

Bodies.....

This is how it is most days......

Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, And Nobody

This is a little story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done

Fail.

Can you believe I already developed a love hate relationship with blogging.
Last time it was a year or so before I became uninterested in blogging.
This time, I think I was supposed to (by my own standards) keep up with all this infertility stuff in a timely manner, so that I can help "someone" out there in the bloggy world....that the schedule bomb-barded my mind so much it became overwhelming when I was behind the schedule....and it is kind of like, outta site outta mind.....and when it came to mind, I would sit here infront of a blank blogpost, and wonder where I should begin....
And here I am.
There are actually words on this blogpost.
Not any that update you on my infertilty, but more or less update you on my anxiety on being behind, ha.
After I hit "publish" on this post, I will then proceed to do a few more posts to update you on a few going ons......just to keep the idea of this blog going!

Random busy and chatty.....aka brain dump.

This post is full of me chatting about how busy I am, and then I go into the randomness of life....hang in there, not sure I ever make sense, but it does make for some good "kill the time" reading (Brandon knows what I mean! ha!)

So tomorrow (or later today, seeing as it is 12:33am).... I am hosting a Jordans Essential Party. My friend from Elementary school is selling it and I volunteered to host a party. yay for having friends over! It has been a year since I hosted a "party" for someone who has started selling stuff....there should be a small gathering of people, I am excited. I like the set up, decorating, and food prep for parties...my menu includes the following:

Crescent Jalapeno bites - pinterest idea
Roasted sweet peppers stuffed with muenster cheese and sausage - accidental invention that my husband loves!
Ham and Swiss sliders on sweet Hawaiian bread - always a hit
Veggies with Ranch - in individual cups, again pinterest.
desserts
sodas
tea

I have a friend coming over early tomorrow afternoon to help set up, and clean up...it's always funner to do this when you have a friend to shoot the breeze with. Hopefully I will remember to take pictures.

My weekends in April are jammed pack, and even so, the first week of May has something going on too.

Next weekend I have Julie and Emma's babys shower, the weekend after that I have (all in one day) a wedding shower, a local women's conference, and a birthday party for my little niece Calista.

Then the weekend in May I have a baby shower for my cousin's wife, and my grandma is coming to stay for a few days....

Not to mention all my other daily grinds.....babysitting, fertility treatments, church activities, family activities, etc etc etc.

whew.

So with all this, I am itching to make my to-do and to-buy lists. baby showers are my favorite to buy for....love all the baby stuff. but who knew some of it was so expensive....poor parents and having do buy diapers, it is almost enough to go to cloth diapers, ha.

And speaking of lists, I am going to be making an official "operation prepare for baby" list that I think I will update like I used to update my 30/30 list. To hold me a little more accountable for getting things done instead of talking about it.

Have I ever mentioned that I love pinterest? I do.
I just spent 2 hours combing it for different ideas on random stuff, from hairstyles to baby shower gift ideas.....
Did you know there was a Mantrist? it is pinterst for men....my husband has browsed it a bit, there were some funny things on there.

So on Easter I broke my phone ....great, yeah I know, not only am I messy but loveable, but we can add clumsy also.....well, we found Aaron's old phone and I have had it switch to my  number until we can get my phone replaced via insurance......it was quite a peaceful week without all the calls and texts, it makes me miss the old times, you know, when you had to have a phonebook, and memorize numbers and call from a landline, because that or a payphone were your only options.....it's crazy how developed things have got.

Baby Emma is doing well! She is now off the cpap machine, and they took her off the billi lights, so all she has left is a feeding tube and an IV.....she is trucking along! yay!
That's all I got for now.

Emma Rae

My little niece Emma Rae Starling was born Thursday April 5th....she was born at 29.5 gestation, and she was 16inch long.
She is itty bitty, and will be in the NICU for a while, but.....we love her, and can't wait to kiss her smoochy cheeks and spoil her rotten like we do to my niece Victoria....

Round 3

So Thursday of last week I started round 3 of my clomid treatments......yay. more sonograms, more medicine, more blood tests....yay.
I am thankful that I have the ability to do all of this.
Reading online, the average of the ladies who did these treatments got preggo at about 4-6 treatments.

Again, just for kicks, if I got pregnant this round, I would be due around or about, January 7,2013.

EEEK. why does 2013 sound soooooooooooooooo far away yet, I know it is next year.
Back to the Future really got to my head about where I thought this world be in the ways of technology, ha....no flying skateboards yet.....geez.

Well for the record, 13 is my lucky number!
I turned 13 on Friday the 13th in the year 1993............

So I am feeling good about this, lol...... not to mention, I know the Lord will supply! :-)

No Dice.

Alternate title: Day Late and a Dollar Short.
The alternate title is probably the best description.

According to my phone application "my days"ovulation tracker ... I was suppose to have my AF  yesterday. Which you can only imagine when i went all day without even a single cramp....when i still had my lady parts that were sore....and when i seemed to be overly emotional with a lingering headache ..... I promptly went to the pregnancy test.....and to my dismay...one line showed. Grrrrr. I sat in the bath - which i only had warm in case i was Preggo.....don't want to cook the little one - for a good hour reading and reading the instructions for the test....making sure i had done it right....maybe it was too early to tell...maybe i didn't do it right....maybe i am one of those like my mom....who could only tell by a blood test....maybe.....
A few hours earlier i was at our churches ladies prayer meeting. It was powerful! there were ladies there battling in the spirit the same things i am....including but not limited to fear and self doubt...we prayed for many requests for our church but when it was time to pray for each other then we had a move of the Spirit like one i have felt only a few times. You could feel fear fleeing....lives changed....hearts mending. It was palatable.
So imagine my surprise laying in the tub looking at the negative test yet still not having AF.
I went to bed at about 2am. 330am i was still fighting sleep. Jason who never sleeps turned to me and senses something wrong immediately started praying for my peace of mind. I have a lot to do...a surprise party to pull off another conference to have to chaperon and Easter to orchestrate not to include our families Easter celebration..... So after listing Jason my stresses with my todo list he makes me get up and do what i do best....make a list.
After i fill a whole sheet of paper with my todos .... I lay down. He prays more i cry a little more...the negative test weighed on my mind a little more than i wanted....then next thing i know its 730am and time for my niece and nephew to come over.
Fast forward through a bad storm .... Through not getting much of my list because of the baffled storm ....and cooking dinner. BAM! cramps! ugh. Hello AF...jerk.

So, long story short, I am not pregnant. Just a day late and a dollar short. literally.

For the record, this post was written on Wednesday April 4th.