Friday, March 16, 2012

Waiting Faithfully, or alternate title: Thank you Julee Turner

So I have been in a real conflict in my head about the infertility treatments I am undergoing right now. Because I am not doing IUI or IVF I can say the treatments are only nothing too too bad. That's not my problem.

My problem is whether or not I am "waiting on the Lord". People tell me all the time, it is in the Lords time. And obviously, I am the worst at being patient for what I want, and knowing the Lords time is not my time, I can get a bit antsy.... with that said, is what I am doing with infertility stepping on God's toes? Am I trying to rush it and go around the plans God has for I trying to find a loophole in all this?

For a few weeks now, I have felt this way. I have felt like this is not happening for me because I am trying to make it work without the support of the Lord.
Who am I to tell God that I am 100% ready to have a baby, and then just go in and try to play the creator.....

As I was having this doubting type feeling the other day, I couldn't help but worry about God seeing me and shaking his head at me, is the insurance dragging their feet with payment to the doctors because God doesn't really want this and so it is going to be a huge financial burden to us to the point I give up and let God do what he wants to do with every negative pregnancy test and ovulation test Gods way of laughing at me...
I was really internally fretting.

After each church service we have the opportunity to go to the alter and pray, repent and really get ahold of God....well the last few services I have really felt a peace after each alter visit. I have felt a burden lifted, and after the services where God gave me a new outlook, I have really been relaxed about my whole situation....but with this relaxation, I still didn't have the complete knowledge that what I was doing was ok. I was just doing it. And so the evil fretting continued....

Then one day, as I was sitting and thinking about everything, I said a quick prayer, and all I said was "Lord show me, show me if this is what you want me to do, or if I should stop". Then I put down the "infertility stimulus sheet" (which is the schedule of things to do from my doctors office) and went about my day. That night Jason and I were about to leave the house, sitting in the car, he had just picked up the mail and I was going through it. And I saw an EOB from my insurance company, and sure enough they paid for the sonogram. Holy Smokes! Thank you Jesus! I was for sure I would be billed for the past 5 internal sonograms they did on me, and I was for sure I was going to have a huge bill and not be able to continue for that reason alone....but God did it. Like I said in a previous post, my insurance company ONLY covers IUI and nothing else in the way of infertility, and that has to get approval and have lots of rules and stipulations... As I saw what God did for me with the insurance company and remembering the peace I found while at the alter an overwhelming warmth flooded my body. Then a scripture came to mind.....

James 2:26
For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also.

I looked up this scripture and read the entire 2nd chapter of James. It talks about Abraham's faith in could someone longing for a child as long as Abraham and Sarah did take that child and sacrifice him......that was true faith on Abraham's part...but had he not taken Isaac up the mountain and laid him on the alter and raised the knife WITH the honest intent to do what the Lord asked he would not be SHOWing his faith. So this tells me that to prove faith there must be an action....
I decided my action/"works" would be going through these treatments...charting and calculating and documenting my "fertility life" and then leaving the miracles to God.
As soon as I decided this the same day I read a blog. Julee's words hit home with me. She went through infertility and now has a baby...the blog she wrote was to simply remember the part of her journey through ivf and the day they did the embryo transfer that resulted in her baby girl...
"I will never forget the feeling of relief that I had done everything I could and it was up to God if this would turn into a pregnancy!"

And there it was....the words that the Lord gave this woman to touch me a woman who lives a state away and she is a person whose blog I follow who doesn't know me to be more than a twitter stalker, and more than likely will never meet me, know me, or even give me a second glance.... she was comforted in her faith actions and left the miracle up to the professional......and there I am....

I am learning the lessons God had for me during this time in my life,

Wait on Him and be faithful in the process.
How to have faith in times that seem too hard to believe in anything
Do what I can to prove my faith, but know it is in His time....

Thank you Lord for these lessons, Thank you Julee for being such a blessing with your blog, Thank you all for your love support and prayers. Keep them coming.


  1. Not in your time, but in His time. Just keep moving forward. Cast your worries aside. Love you!

  2. Bless you! I have walked the same road you are traveling and it's not an easy one! Very emotional and many thoughts fill your mind constantly! I also wrote about that once. About praying away all the negative thoughts that come with IF! I am so glad that my words touched you. I remember reading blogs while I was going through it and it was so helpful to read about others also going through it. Made me feel not so alone!
    I hope you have much success with your treatments. If you have any questions, I just about did everything, so just email me!
    Thanks again for reading my blog and it means so much that you would read and find comfort in my words!

  3. Thank you for these words. I'm visiting from Kelly's Korner, and I really needed to read what you wrote today!

  4. Faith is a daily struggle for me. It has been a daily struggle for me for a very long time, but is more obvious as I feel like I'm asking God for a "favor" by allowing me to get pregnant. Thank you for your post. Your post actually reminds me of that religious joke: You know, the one where a guy keeps asking God to win the lottery, and God responds with "Go buy a ticket." Maybe I need to "go buy a ticket". I've been on the fence about whether we should go see a Dr. and start the process of figuring out why we haven't gotten pregnant after a year of trying, but your post inspired me. It's time to show my faith with works. Thank you and God bless!!