Sunday, September 30, 2007

Almost October.

Last week I don't think I accomplished all I set out to do on that Sunday....I remember being crabby and going to sleep for a little bit. is what I did....

Woke up
Got dressed
Checked Email and Myspace
Picked up Jennie
Went to Costco
Came home
Put away Costco stuff
Made dinner
Vacuumed livingroom
Ate dinner
Vacuumed Bedroom
Vacuumed Hallway
Straightened up the bathroom
Lit Candles to make the dog smell go away
Talked to Shayda
Writing Blog

And I still have a few things on my agenda tonight. Possibly, scrapbooking, research Do Re Mi, research party lite, plan my week (I have a bridal shower and wedding to go to, Jennie wants me to make her Shepard's Pie, and I have to find a job.), blah blah.

Ok so I suck at spelling, so I figured that I misspelled Vacuumed, I just did Spellcheck, and it is right....woohoo go me!

I have started collecting the Coke rewards points... if you go to you can see all the fun things you can get. I want to take Aaron to Six Flags this Halloween time for Freight Fest, I went when I was his age and got to go through all the haunted houses. Aaron is fun during Halloween, he is so into it....Anyways, I collected enough points to get him a all I have to do is get Jason and I a ticket, and we are set! If you have coke, diet coke, lemonade, pink lemonad, nestea, desani water, ok anything cocacola based, save the number/letter code from the lid, or the package for me! I will log them on! i think this lasts until the end of the year!

Veida and I made another batch of Caramel Apples on Friday. They came out 100 times better than the last set. We are thinking about selling them during the holiday season along with other chocolate dipped things....and so we are trying to figure out a cutsie name for our future home based company....she suggested "Toodle-loo" I am not too sure about it...I wanted something more elegant and modern...."Sweet Stuff" crossed my mind....but again....not classy enough...Any suggestions?

I am looking to have a Party Lite party, and if I earn $350 in sales, I can have my own starter set of stuff for free...I tried selling Avon and MaryKay.....but none of it worked out, and I think it is because I don't use all the stuff, so I can stand behind the product...but seriously, who doesn't love candles? And speaking of selling, there is a company called Do Re Mi, they sell busy body kids books, you know the ones you can do activities, or listen to music and read, so I think the word I am looking for is interactive, lol.....Megan had a party almost two years ago, and I went even though I didnt have kids of my own....and I loved the stuff....and with my kid background, I considered getting some so when I babysit, I can bring my own stuff instead of making a mess with the kids toys, lol...I don't know, I am researching that as well....Maybe if I am successful at all this I can not get a day job, and just sell sell sell. ha ha ha.

Anyways, I am done rambling....have a great day. Or Night......Just be GREAT!

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Sunday Sunday

Things have been a bit better these past few days. After my last blog, Jason and I had a huge long discussion, a bit shakey at times.....but both sides got their frustrations and issues off their chest, and out in the open. Always a good start.

Today has been a bit of a lazy day, sleeping in....playing the gameboy....blah blah.

OH....last night......yeah well, I made my very first Chinese dinner. We had orange chicken (homemade by me and Jason helped at the end) Fried Rice and egg rolls, the only thing that I didn't make from scratch was the egg rolls. It was super yummy! And for lunch today, I reheated the rice, then sauteed the reserved chicken breast in soy sauce, then combined. Jason said it was yummier today than last night.

Here are a few things I want to get accomplished today.....I will post again tonight to see my progress.

1) Read a few chapters in The Kite Runner
2) Make a few scrapbook pages
3) Vacuum the bedroom
4) Go through Aaron's backpack for papers and such.

Thats a relatively easy list......right?

Okay till later! Have a great day.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Why I Get Upset - and it is not jealousy.

You give her details regarding our money situation, issues, plans etc that have nothing to do with her. This gives her permission to pry into our relationship.

You can't find a place in your heart for me because of issues you have regarding things that happened with her-but you still hold on to her and expect me to treat her like a friend. She is the reason you refuse to love deep enough to want more.

You seek her approval all the time.

You allow her to walk into the house as if she lives here still. I won't walk right into her house, that isn't respectful.

You made a comment once that she wasn't 100% responsible for the divorce and there were things you needed to work on - she states reasons she had issues with you- You still act that way.

When she comes around you act as if you have to prove yourself. You become arrogant and somewhat mean. Especially if I am defiant to something you seem to deliberately confront me in front of her as if you have to show that you have the control.

You care more about continuing with her than cultivating a strong relationship with me. (ex. Aaron's birthday I was in the kitchen and had been almost all afternoon, I was calling your name to ask about your dinner, no answer. I called your name again, this time Jasmine who was on the stairs right next to you, told me m that you were talking, I look up and you kept asking T "whats wrong". I go ahead to let you talk to her, and I make your plate, I bring it to you, you refuse it.) Not to mention that day I worked my ass off to make sure your son has a great birthday, I am pretty sure all T did was buy him a cake and give him 40 bucks for his party (I organized) a few days later.

You now have stopped asking me and have gone straight to asking Julie about watching A - Do you understand that I end up with her alot because as brother and sister, her and Aaron become a packaged deal? Not to mention Julie is tired being used as free daycare.

You are quick to defend her when I talk about A's skin. And I don't care about the argument. There is help for her other than a doctor at a community clinic and after seven years it should have been found. Stop buying hairpeices, new cars and fancy gadgets and invest the money in help. What the happened to the thousands of dollars. Your defense is allowing or should I say enabling her to continue the lifestyle enjoying the attention and continuing with the basic neglect.

Just like I can't take or make you and T take Aaron to the doctor about his stomach, you can't take or make T take A to the the doctor, she has to do it.

You let A hang alll over you most of the time - but I try to hug or kiss you and you physically push me away.

I can count on my hands and feet how many times you said I love you to me, and you tell Alyssa all the time.

By allowing A to call you daddy it is setting her up for more heart break. When T disappears again not only will Aaron have a loss, but A will lose too. And we know how T will turn it around and make you the bad guy. It will hurt A to think another man h as hurt her. Also she will look at all older men as father figures which will cause her to seek for that kind of affection, she will be taken advantage of and or will be promiscuous (i.e. Jennie)

When we first started dating you never had an interest in Aaron's school work. I made you go to your first open house, I made you more accountable for his homework, but now T has been around, you play superdad about it. Not to mention you question lecture and criticize me on my methods that brought your son from barely passing to A B honor roll.

T calls and says there is an emergency you drop everything and disappear. I can't get your attention long enough to get ideas of what you want for dinner, I might elevate everything to emergency status, maybe it will help.

Any confrontation we have you always say "you knew what you were getting into with me from the start" In the beginning it was you Aaron Devry and McDonalds. Everything new is just that NEW I have to get used to it just as much as you.

Why does it take drama for her to get the proper help for A. If it doesn't affect her she does the minimum to help A. The minute A gets kicked out of school all hell breaks lose and it is time for proper action.

You can't expect me to know how to deal with a divorcee and his screwed up baggage. I can't grin and bear it all the time, especially when you put me in an involuntary position on the those moments, expect a sour face or frustrated sigh. I don't volunteer you to go to dinner with Ivan or as you to help Billy with his computer or call Spencer and make you watch his some appreciation and heads up is a nice way to help me the bitter pill of helping a woman I can't help but despise.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

This is why.

Do you really want to know why I cry? I don't expect you to understand me when you read my thoughts, just know there is some logic behind the emotion. And all I can ask is that you don't try to stop the tears, you just identify the things in you that cause this, and own the mistakes. I know it is impossible for you to tell me sorry, because you tell me all the time I knew what I was getting into when i started...well you did too, and relationships are a two way street, work together to be happy together...and just know, that actions speak louder than words.

Why I cry.

I cry because you can tell me all day long what you find attractive in other people, but I can count on my hands how many times you have told me sweet things about how attractive I am. Maybe I am not so much, but you did say once, "why would you be with someone ugly"....It takes more that qualifier to make let me know you think I am at least cute....never said I have to be beautiful....I would settle for cute.

I cry because you talk still to girls online who for valentines day send you a half naked picture...and you respond with obvious hints on remembering her other inappropriate times. When I didn't even get a valentines day gift let alone a card.

I cry because you can be a self absorbed tv and computer zombie but can drop everything for your exwife and her daughter at any given time.

I cry because you can tell everyone you love them, but you have said it to me a handful of times in the past 20 months.

I cry because as infantile as this sounds, i wanted to be a special princess for my birthday. Understandably you were sick...but even now a month later, I still have yet to get an actual gift, let alone a card with even the slightest note of appreciation for me.

I cry because I feel like I am not contributing enough.

I cry because I am fatter and fatter and don't have the "umph" to get up and do something about it.

I cry because my car is still not fixed.

I cry because most of the time when your ex is around you talk to me like I am an object and then get mad at me when I snap back.

I cry because I know that I may never live up to what you expect a girlfriend to be.

But most of all, I cry because I am a girl, and when I get to cry it is my release to let all the selfish feelings that I hold in my heart out.

That is why I cry.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Where were you?

Today has been on odd day for me. A bit nostolgic, of course, but my emotions have been running on high and empty at the same time. This might not make sense to you, but to me it's the only way to describe it.
Today bares the familiar question "Where were you the day the towers went down?" Well, this time 6 years ago, I was living in Quincy, Illinois as a nanny. I had just turned 21 years old, I had experienced a great summer in a new place. I had lost about 10 pounds. I had just made a new friend, and was enjoying life.
That morning I woke up, instead of turning on Dora The Explorer, I was going to watch the Today show while folding laundry....thats when I saw it, the first tower in flames, I was trying to process what was happening, and as the story unfolded my mind went spinning... they kept referencing the "Dulles" airport, but I was hearing "Dallas". I had an uncle who traveled for work alll the time. I started panicing, and called anyone and everyone who would know where he was. Luckily he wasn't traveling that day. But panic did stiffle my day because as soon as I calmed down about my uncle, I like the rest of the country sat in front of the television staring, processing, greiving, and even crying. We ordered pizza for dinner, and at 6pm I went to my Sign Language class, just to be sent home for the lack of thought on anything but what happened that day. Life almost stood still.
For days and weeks to come, I kept an ear out on the happenings....I am in a struggle between both lives, of a middle eastern American, and a "white" American. My father is from Iran. And even though they have discovered that the Iranians were not involved in this catastrophe, they are still subjected to the racism and "stigma" of terrorism because of their language, culture, and skin color. Then the American part of me yerned for answers, and craved revenge. But what was I to I did what most others did. Nothing. I went about my fall with hay rides, pumpkin carving, baking, nanny-ing, Thanksgiving and Chirstmas....noble huh?
With the war we are currently engaged in, we are at war with my ancestors, people who could easily be related to me. The governement are currently debating going to war against the very country my family resides. That is scarry for me. The governments are trying to bully each other when the innocent usually liberal countrymen/women are the ones who pay for this playground battle. I have no suggestions on how to do the President's job, and for all I really know, it is a live and learn profession, I just know that since the day of Septemeber 11,2001 my outlook on government, war, innocence and country have changed.
So where was I when the towers went down....not only was I in a basement in my pj's...I was in a mental state of not caring about anyone or anything other than what affected me. And sadly enough, I am still there. What will it take to get me to change?

Friday, September 7, 2007

Things on my mind

What does it take for me to be happy?

How do I become maintain and enjoy physical activity?

When people look at me do they want to be like me as much as I want to be like them?

Why do I spend so much time making lists of things to do rather than doing something?

How do I maintain goals until they reach reality?

Why can't I be consistent?

How is it that I see you and crave your talents?

Why do I always feel my way is the only way?

Why can't my passion become my everyday?

Why do I have so many questions and so little answers?

All these questions are the result of looking though the myspace pages and a blogspot of a few people who I admire and wish I could be more like....I know the ultimate answer is that I have to be less lazy and more open to opportunities that I have...and if something doesn't go my way, don't give up be persistent till what I want is what I have.....but it sounds easier than it is for me to do...I mean for the few people I was catching up with via is their constant to do what they want when they want...they never give up....they never get so lazy that they lose sight of dreams and goals.....they are doers and movers....not sitters and listers......

Bed time....goodnight.