The Latest on the Baby Front - Actual RE appt.

So can I say this from the start.......
Having a second opinion, will probably lead to a third, then possibly a fourth so on and so on. I have learned going to the appointment that no one doctor has similar opinions, and trying to decide the who's and what's and why's of this infertility thing may just take me having to get my own medical degree and treating us myself. ha.

With that said, I literally busted into tears sitting right there talking to the doctor on Tuesday.

I was, or I guess technically, still am SOOOO confused (more so at the two completely separate answers - not necessarily to the info given) and almost at the point of frustration at the same time excited and ready to get this party started...how's that for some mixed emotions.

So here goes the appointment review:
Hold on to your hats folks, we are about to take a rollarcoaster ride...
So this doctor, we had seen January 2011 back when we were recommended by a friend at the time to see a specialist to get a move on our baby having.
At the time (2011) Dr. Le - a Reproductive Endocrinology (RE) said that I am still young, and since Jason had a kid before, everything should work out for us, and if not, then we should consult my doctor, then proceed from there.
Cue July 2012.
We show up to the appointment I scheduled at the recomendation of Jason's urologist.
He welcomes us.
We explain, I had three rounds of Clomid cycles (round 1, round 2, round 3)with no pregnancy, and Jason was diagnosed with male factor infertility as a result of varicoses.
We also explain that the urologist says we need to look into having IVF - ICSI as that will be the only way for us to have children until Jason can lose 100 pounds and have the surgery to repair his veins.

Off the bat Dr. Le, says the that surgery suggested is unsuccessful at correcting male infertility issues and that he has only dealt two cases of men who had this surgery and it resulted in any kind of difference in their sperm shape.

 WHHHHHHHHHHHHHAT? That's not what the urologist said......who do I believe? AHHHHHH.

Then looking at the sperm analysis (SA), Dr. Le said these three things 1)he questions the integrity of the results because it wasn't done at his lab and 2) says that egg penetration by the sperm have nothing to do with the shape of the little swimmers (not his terminology) but has everything to do with motility (how fast) and quantity. 3) for Jason to stay on the two meds the urologist has him on because they are improving his count and motility, even if it is just a little bit, an improvement is an improvement.

WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT? This whole time we are stressed about their shape.
Why is this?

Dr. Le explained that the shape has nothing to do with it because, if more of the little guys can make it through and into the uterus, then there will be more at the egg trying to get in, the more there are trying to get in, the more the egg wall is compromised and so there will be success in getting in. The problem is knowing the quality of the sperm getting in.....if it is bad dna, then the pregnancy would not be viable....good dna then things proceed......
I. WAS. SO. CONFUSED. (i am pretty sure this was about the point the doctor handed me the box of tissues and I felt like my head was spinning so.much.info. so little to compare it to from the urologist)

But Jason and I agreed, that what Dr. Le said made sense. He has had lots of experience on both the male and female side of reproduction, and we have physically seen his results.....so we will go with it.

so with this there is good news and bad news.....

Good News

• because shape has nothing to do with it, (cue tina turner in my head "whats shape got to do got to do with it.....) IUI should be the first thing to try.
• My insurance covers IUI
• IUI is quicker, less painful, and much much cheaper.
• I get to start this process as soon as I have my next period (which should be any day now)
• This clinic has super cheap rates for iui and ivf.

Bad News

• Jason's surgery may not correct the shape, so therefore having kids naturally in the future may not be possible. ever. (minus that is a miracle from God....and we all must believe in those.)
• With IUI we have "natural" chances to conceive....and with every attempt naturally you only have a 15% chance of creating a baby!
• Once IUI has been tried and is unsuccessful, we are urged to go ahead with IVF - PICSI (the one with the p because if low quality sperm they want to make sure these attempts have a better success rate with a good dna cluster).
• IVF will still cost thousands and thousands of dollars.....can we say fundraisers! can I get an amen?
• on top of all the meds we may have to be taking, I now get to research suppliements aka : Male Prenatal vitamins....yay. not.

In review:
IUI is when they clean up Jason's sample, get the strongest of the swimmers and insert them into me on the optimal day, and let them do their jobs....naturally from that point. The procedure for me is similar to the past clomid regimen I was on....a little invasive, but nothing intolerable.
IVF is when they harvest many eggs from me (as many as  my body will produce at one time could be two could be twenty) then the best of the best is taken from Jason's sample they are both directly put into a petri dish, and they do their job to meet up with each other. Then once they are fertilized, and monitored, two of the best developed embryos are then placed into my uterus on the appropriate day of my cycle (the day my body would have naturally had the eggs in the uterus) and then my body will accept or deny them. With this procedure, once the eggs are fertilized, there is at least a 65% success rate, with at least 50% of the successes are twins.
IVF - ICSI same as the regular IVF EXCEPT for instead of putting everyone in the petri dish, the lab will physically insert a sperm (remember, the best of the best) into the eggs.....the watching, and waiting and inserting into the uterus is still the same.
IVF - PICSI is the new one (there is a few hand drawn diagrams at the bottom of this post that was the doctors explanation.) same things as IVF-ICSI except before the egg and sperm are joined, the sperm go through a very rigorous test to make sure the dna quality will produce a viable embryo.

 As the doctor explained everything, he doodled on paper. I can appreciate a good doodle! These doodles didn't mean much to you because you didn't hear the words that he was saying as doodling....so I photoshoped a few notes along with his original drawings.

IVF - PICSI explained.

stay tuned......for updates, hopefully sooner rather than later!

Lapband and other health things.

Ugh. I am not happy with it right now....and sad thing is....is that it is all my fault.
Lets back up bit...

Two weeks we went to go get fills in our lapband - this is where they take saline via a surenge and using the port under my skin, fill the lapband to give me more restriction on how much I can eat, thus giving me less of an appetite, because the smaller amount will fill me up quicker, and with less food.

Well when I went in, they noticed the pouch above my lapband (where the food I eat sits until it slowly falls through the lapband into my bigger stomach to be processed) was stretched a little bit. So instead of putting fill into my band, they took most of my fill out because they want the pouch to have no restriction thus giving it an oppertunity to shrink back to normal. With the saline being removed, my hunger increased and I can eat anything I want...where as with a fill, you have a hard time eating carb filled things, and a few other not so good for you kinds of foods....

Thats where I am now. Hungry, Fill-less, with the ability to eat what I haven't been able to in a long time.

In the last two week, I have honestly gained 9lbs. N.I.N.E.

AGH!

I have no self control I suppose.
So that tells me,
Lapband hasn't really turned me into a health nut like I imagined.
I know I know, I have to learn and do different.....
but what I have learned is
the food battle I am fighting is ALL IN MY HEAD.
I have to learn this, and I am not.

I will have had the lapband for 2 years in November. With that I have only lost 37 pounds (well 28 now that I gained weight)

I am going to have to buckle down and get my family eating on the right track. I have to take care of my husband so that his lapband is working for him, I need him to lose weight as much as I do.....if we are going to have babies, his weight has a lot to do with his male infertility issues I am sure.

I hate being fat, but I love food. Food is dumb.

Because my body has gained weight and I have no self control, my doctor called me in an appetite suppresant so I can continue to try to have control during this time...because I feared that I would gain ALL the weight back that i had lost....
But when I get my fill put back in here in a few weeks I will stop taking it.
Some people think that me taking this medicine is complete weakness, but what they don't understand is that I have never had self control, and these are things I am trying to learn, and to open the flood gate of me getting to eat anything I want when I want, is dangerous since I haven't conqured the lapband idea....
I know I know I need to get back into the gym, and that is a part of my problem to begin with....but now life is slowing down for me, some major changes are happening I will have the ability to get up and go to the gym without worrying about other peoples schedules...it will happen.
However, with gym, that opens another can of worms....
I have made the decision to wear nothing but skirts in my life, so that includes workout clothes...I have no skirts to work out in, and I haven't a clue where to get some, i want some jersey knit knee length skirts, but I haven't been able to find it.....I know I know excuses excuses, but hey, I am just being honest at where I am in life.

Step Parenting.....it is parenting none the less

I am linking up with Kelly's Korner for her "Show us your Life Series"....this week the topic is Step Parenting.

Being a step-parent is hard. And I am going to go with it and say, if you don't have kids of your own, to step-parent is SUPER hard. I will explain this theory in a second....

I have two step children.
Aaron, is Jason's biological child, he was 6 years old when I was friends with Jason, but when we started to officially date, he was 8 years old, and at the point of us dating, Aaron didn't remember meeting me the handful of times, so it was like starting over learning me.
Alyssa is not Jason's biological child, she is Jason's ex-wife's daughter from another relationship, however before she was born, Jason felt God leading him to father this child by giving him "the little girl he always dreamt of having". He declared his love for this baby, and vowed to always be there for her and give her the life she wanted and deserved. It's a complicated situation as she is mixed race, but we don't even notice it, until we tell people she is his daughter, and they look all confused...sort of funny to watch their reactions, but we don't care.

Jason has Aaron at our house full time, he is now at the age where he decides to go to his mom's house or not (unless we are at a situation where he has to go...or if he is in trouble here at our house, he typically uses her house as an escape from punishment) but on average he is over at her house at least once or twice every two weeks.
Alyssa is at Jason's ex wife's house because technically that is not his daughter. But after school she comes to our house and we take her to church on Wednesdays and Sundays, those two days she typically spends the night with us as well.

I fell in love with my Aaron first. I fell in love with him way before I knew I was in love with Jason (my then boyfriend, my now husband). Even to this day, Aaron loves hearing how he was my favorite first.
When I met Jason, Aaron was little...a few memories I had of Aaron before I was dating Jason (we were friends for two years before we started dating) was Aaron eating bean burritos and hot sauce from Taco Bueno, and also Aaron showing me his two tiny mini turtles and me trying to convince him to let me babysit him.
Unfortunately at the time Jason and I were just friends, up through our first year together, Aaron's mother was not around, and that means neither was Alyssa, but when I finally met little miss Alyssa, I was blown away. This little (in size, she is tiny) firecracker was so mature, wise and smart for her little 4 years of age. She had spunk and sass I had never seen, she could keep up with adult conversations and read words from the Olive Garden menu like a professional Italian person. I was blown away.
After a few years of absence, Tracy, (Alyssa and Aaron's mother) came back around. She started to rebuild her broken relationship with Aaron...and I was still in the process of learning her, and the kids personalities, and quirks.
We spent most major holidays together, as a blended family, with no problem. When Jason and I got married in 2009, we had a decent and manageable relationship with Tracy. She was very friendly with me and only (sometimes) fought or had problems with Jason (Jason did and still likes to push her buttons sometimes, you know, he is one of those "push the envelope" kind of people). But in 2010, Jason and I had an opportunity to get away and have the honeymoon we never got to go on. We were going to Florida, his friend had a time share he gave us for the week and we were going to live it up. My first thought was, I am going to Dinsey....then it dawned on me, I couldn't go without taking Aaron, and then I thought, it wasn't fair to go without Alyssa, and then my next thought was, how horrible it would be to know that Tracy missed out on her kids experiencing Disney for the first time...so long long story short, with a few more people involved we had Tracy with us on our family vacation, which seems right, because we were a family...
Now Tracy and I get along great...we team up and harass Jason, all three of us are involved with the kids decisions, discipline, health, etc...and we make sure to have our own family traditions and memories..we are the definition of blended family.

I am just "Layla" to them, and that is all I want to be. They have a mother they call "mom".....

(Funny story, poor Alyssa didn't know what to call me, and since I stay at home, I would typically be the person who would go up to the school, volunteer, etc. and when someone asked her who I was, she told them I was her "Aunt" so for a long time, before I knew that no one explained the situation, they thought I was Aunt Layla. ha ha)

BUT to say everything is always peachy keen would be giving into a fantasy that all step parents dream of. I have had my fair share of "You are not my mother". I have had complete disregard and disrespect that no one else but I have seen from both of the children. I have had to find my groove with each of them, and most times when I think I have an idea of where the groove is, I am taken for a ride just to find out I was completely wrong.....I sometimes over compensate for the lack of structure Aaron was raised with, I over compensate for what I feel is the "baby-ing" that happens way too much. I hold the kids up to a standard that sometimes Jason and I don't agree to because I am way too strict and on top of actions and behaviors that I come off as the bad person all the time...but, at the end of the day, (most days) Aaron will hug my neck when he goes to bed, and tell me he loves me. And that works.

I feel being a step parent is hard when not having kids of your own, because you have to learn to love the kids after the honeymoon phase is over. After everything you did was cool, neat, and awesome, and now everything you do is wrong, mean and horrible. You have to learn to love the kids without knowing what loving "your" child really means. There is no basis of comparison between the child/step child love....I have no other place to start than from where I am with them no matter what the age...and that's what is hard, not knowing how to love like a parent......however just because I don't know what it feels like to love a child that has come from my womb doesn't mean I don't love them with a passion. After 21 years of babysitting, I have had my fair share of falling in love with kids. And with all those experiences, I can "hand on the bible" say that I love my son and daughter with all my heart, and would lay down my life for them in a heartbeat.

Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions, concerns, or just want to connect with someone who may know where you are in the world of step parenting.....I am pretty easy going and would love to chat with you!

layla.weaver@yahoo.com

I haven't forgot .... I am just at a stalemate.

So yeah....I have a bunch of conflicting thoughts....feelings ..and opinions on fertility ....pregnancy....and other people....so it has left me with writers block. I think mainly because I don't want to come across as ungrateful ...mean....or spiteful. So there has been a post I have been trying to write since February 15th. It has been an open window on my internet browser this whole time.
I will buckle down and get at least the fertility facts/process post out...as far as this hurdle of a post....ugh...not too sure.

We will see.

Lufkin adventures

I went to Ladies Conference with the women who go to Jason's church. It was a very different experience for me.

I grew up Mormon, very quiet and reverent church worship. Well Jason's church is pentecostal,  VERY loud, lots of music and active hand raising worship. I am not used to it. I have learned a little bit, I have felt very uncomfortable in my skin. And I don't think it was because of the actual conference I think I was uncomfortable because I am changing.... It was weird. A bit undescribable. Life changing. I am not sure what I will end up knowing or beliving at the end of this journey, I just know that I now have a lot of soul searching to do.

 

My friends, Jenna and Kim

 

 

The got me all "pentecostal" looking and stuff.