Thursday, August 23, 2012

July's IUI, and some praise - but not what you think.

So I have put this post off for so long,
I have been plotting and planning on what I was going to say.
I wanted to get all the details down
I wanted to inform you on all the ins and outs....
since this all happened around the time my grandmother passed away....
I don't have the emotional energy to put THAT much effort.
So I am biting the bullet....
I am going to give you the gist,
and move on.

I did an IUI.

July 14th, I started my menstrual.
July 16th - 20th, I was on clomid, this time around (first time with the specialist) 100mg/daily.
sometime in between all this there was HUGE family dramas
July 23rd, after my local walgreens had my prescription for my trigger shot Ovidrel in there system since the 16th, they never told me they couldn't fill it and that it had to go to their specialty pharmacy. that day, I contacted the specialty pharmacy, and they over nighted the medicine, and didn't require payment up front. (just today I got the $97 bill in the mail for the shot)....
July 26th I went in for a sonogram, they were looking for follicles that were at least a 22cm, my largest one was an 18. Because the doctor didn't feel like it was large enough, he suggested I come back on Monday.
July 26th, the evening after my grandmother was admitted to the hospital, for at this point they thought was a blood clot, and were going to do a CAT scan on her.....I went to visit and we hung out and chatted...she told me she didn't have to worry about me, and that all my baby stuff will work itself out and I will get to be a mommy.
July 30th - Did another sonogram, the doctor was confident I would release one egg, they gave me my shot, and was told to come back in the morning with my husbands sample and they would do the IUI.
July 31st - At this point my grandmother had been at home with hospice since Saturday, and the end we knew was very near.... I hurried to give the sample, came back two hours later to have the procedure.

Now, I know Jason is not 100% comfortable with watching me in a doctors office with a doctor doing his I didn't make him come back in the room with me. But secretly I wanted him with me. It was weird to know that I "conceived" and my husband wasn't around...
The doctor gave me good news about Jason's sample. His counts were much higher than it was in the past two samples he gave, which was promising.....
The procedure was done.
I was tilted backwards for 15 minutes.
At this point Jason came back with me to wait.
 We leave with the instructions: If I don't have my cycle by August 14th, then take a pregnancy test.

My ovulation calculator on my phone said I was to start on August 15th. I am pretty in sync with that thing, so I was figuring it to be on the dot correct.

August 6th, went to go get blood work done to check my progesterone levels
August 8th, called my doc for the blood work, and the nurse said my level was at an 8....they are looking to see a 10 or higher to determine it is a probability that I didn't ovulate even with the trigger shot.
(hows that for a waste of $100...ha.)

August 13th, my birthday.
I was pretty upset, I had a very bad birthday.
So I figured I would take a test, just to see.....the box does say that it can let you know "upto 5 days before your missed period" so I thought why not.
With everything that happened......(huge family dramas during the same week the doctor said I should probably keep calm, my grandmother being sick and then dying) I figured it was my turn for good news. Who cares what my progesterone levels were, women have had low numbers before, and it worked out for them....I need something to make me happy and peppy....come on positive test.
so I took a test, in secret....I didn't want Jason to get all hyped up....
I waited.
and waited.
two minutes takes.for.ever.
not pregnant.

so yeah. two days later I start my period.
and I haven't done anything since.
I haven't contacted the specialist.
I havent tried to get on any infertility treatments this month.
for many reason.
namely we are tight on money right now.
my baby fund was used to pay for the IUI. and so it is now empty.
and according to the doctor, our next step is the ivf.

I think about adoption.
but that scares me.
and it cost tons of money as well.
the ideal situation for me is that I just naturally get pregnant.....

But right now....
the Lord has something in mind for me.
A lesson to learn, a habit to develop, a household to straighten up....

not sure what I am to do, but I trust in the Lord's timing, I will have my babies.....although it seems to me right this needs to hurry up...Jason is about ot 39 years old and I am 32..... but, there is just something that the Lord id wanting, and it is up to me to wait.

And I have come to the conclusion, if it is not the Lords will that I am to naturally have children, I will love whom ever and whatever God has in store for me. Right now I have Alyssa and Aaron at home....and being a step parent is not easy, and it is parenting, if that is all I am given, then thats all I need to have.....
The Lord knows my desires. He knows I want to experience having a baby in my womb, and to feel it move and grow and know the little thing before it knows the world....God knows that I want to raise my own baby, watch it develop into the toddler that will make me laugh as Ainsley did, and i will not have to give it up to someone who moves far away.
God knows I want to be the sappy mother who cries the first day of kindergarten and takes a million pictures, the mother that gets to know what it feels like to have a little heartbeat who knows mine, and who will look up at me and say "Mommy I love you".
He knows I want to be more than just Layla the wife, Layla the daughter and sister, Layla the step mom.....I want to be a childs superhero, I want to be Layla the mommy.
God knows.
and even if that never happens for me.
Or if it happens to me at the age of 60
I praise God for this time he has given me to prepare for the life He wants me to have.
I praise and thank God for the ability to reach out here on this blog and share my experience, to give comfort to those who are in the same process and feel so alone.
I praise God for this moment in my life, even though I have experienced a lot of sad and hurtful things in the last month....I still love and praise my God.


  1. Girl, as much as anyone can understand what you're going through, I understand. Bless you for looking to God to get you through this. I'll be praying for you!!

  2. You are such an inspiration to me, Layla. I love you to the moon and back. Waiting on Gods timing can be so hard at times but I know that He has a wonderful plan for your maternal life and you are well on your way. I draw so much strength from you and admire your ability to be such a great example of a woman of God. Trust in God and trust that Grandma is working it out for you. Trust. Keep your faith where it is and all will turn out as God plans. You have an amazing, and supportive, husband......I thank God everyday for that blessing in your life. Love you! - Christine Cadena