Monday, September 24, 2012

Sad news

.... The title is a bit concerning I know but just bare with me.... Or should I say humor me for a bit.

A few weeks ago I got the bright idea.... Let me combine my three (yes you read right THREE old blogs into this here my "new" blog. So when this blog has documented my life basically as a married woman I had a blog that was from my early dating years with Jason all the way up to my wedding .... I had a food blog where I documented my favorite recipes and last and definitely not least I had a blog where I documented my time with Ainsley. So.....I thought... Why not combine them so I can eventually make a book out of all of that is what I did I followed the instructions given by blogger to upload the blogs to my computer then download them back to the blog I wanted.
Sounds innocent enough.
I followed all instructions.
And then I went through each blog post and deleted all the paid blogs I used to write. I tagged and cleaned up some other posts and finally I posted each one live to this blog.....
I went through checking each picture checking most links and everything was great. I did it! Yay.
Then I deleted all three of the old blogs. Why not.... That's the point combine them do there is not a million of places on the World Wide Web I have to go to visit my pictures or stories or recipes.....
I haven't looked back...
Well that was until yesterday.... I wanted a cake recipe.... I went to the post....this is one I had merged a few weeks ago...and noticed on the picture it was black with a big yellow exclamation mark.
Wow wait a cotton pickin' second!
This picture was here a few weeks ago. I checked other random old!!!!!
Jason said maybe it didn't show up on the iPad. I explained that I read blogs all the time from the iPad. So that didn't make sense.
Then he being all computer savvy and such looked at the code behind the post. And he found the problem....
Well. When I uploaded my blog to my computer I uploaded text only. So the pictures were then being "hosted" by my old blogs....since it was my old blog that I uploaded the pictures to....and since I just uploaded text....and since there was NOT clear information regarding the status of pictures being hosted by the blog itself and not by other places.....and since I DELETED the said hosting blogs........ I accidentally D-E-L-E-T-E-D ALL my PICTURES!!!!!!!

So I spent the latter part of Sunday afternoon crying. Lamenting over pictures lost.... Time spent creating the posts....just sad.
On a semi-brighter note....I can report that between two laptops several old phones and a desktop that got bought by a friend (we hid the files to be retrieved at another time because it was sold in haste) about 90% of the pictures are retrievable....however getting the pictures gathered,organized, and reposted to the right blogs is a task I am not ready for.....ugh

So lesson learned. I will now up load to an Internet picture hosting site .... something like photobucket or Flickr or something....this will save a lot of headaches later.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

9/11 Chat.

I have already written about where I was and what I was doing when September 11th happened.

I am 11 years older.
I am 11 years wiser.
I am 11 years desensitized.

That sounds bad. Desensitized. However it is the truth for the majority of us. 10 years ago, if we heard "Twin Towers" or "9/11" we would have probably shed more tears, a year later.
those words are just adjectives used to define war, high gas prices, new normalcy.
Don't think I am callus.
It's not just me.
It's the way it has turned out..
I have heard many a comedian make jokes, some even crude about that terrible day.
And the day I heard the first joke, I was no longer "too soon".
There was enough time for people to process and heal and now make light of it. Sometimes making light of things helps with continual healing, better to push down the emotions and make a joke at someones else expense.
The new generation of adults coming through were just little kids, and as kids they didn't have the worry and concern. They really didn't know how simple life was before. It was easy. It was less international. It was safe.
Can you imagine in another 11 years... that generation of adults will be completely oblivious to the emotional impact and just see 9/11 as a passage in a history book. The turning of an Era.
As sad as it is. That's where we are headed.
We can pledge to never forget, but we are not committing to never letting go of the emotions that blanketed the entire nation.
And that letting go of emotion is what turns this into a history passage rather than an emotional driven desire to see the United States rise up victorious and get whatever restitution we think we need.
Or did we already get the restitution and now we are comfortable with the new normal....

Don't confuse all this with my lack of appreciation.
I appreciate each and every person who is serving this country and sacrificing their time, family, and lives for me and keeping me as safe as they can.
I have a lot of people in my family who have served or is currently serving in the military. And I couldn't imagine knowing they died in their service pursuit.
Thousands and thousands of families are without loved ones because of 9/11, between the actual deaths on the day of, or the deaths in combat trying to defend..... and for that, I have sorrow...and for that I will try and not take for granted the liberties I have daily....
this event is well on it's way to the history books, and like Vietnam or any of the World Wars, emotions will soon be fleeting.
The new normal is here....and the new desensitization is too.

Facetime with a special someone.

Sunday I got a text from Ainsley's mom.
She asked if we could Facetime with Ainsley on Monday.
So we made a date.
At 2pm on Monday, we would get on and visit.

I couldn't have asked for a better thing!

After Ainsley got out of the bath at about 2:30 (Texas time) she got on her mom's phone and facetimed me.

She was a nut.
She was soooo grown up.
She was the same ol' Ainsley.
She was perfect.

We acted silly making silly faces to each other.
She told me how she had a dog, she then corrected herself and said it wasn't a dog it was a pup pup.
She showed me a flip she learned in her gymnastics class.
She gave me a tour of her room
Showed me some of her toys.
She told me she was now 4 years old
Showed me the bunny rabbit we had stuffed for her at build a bear
She put me in a cabinet
She put me under a puzzle box
She took me outside for a "fantastic time" as her mom took the pup pup potty.
She let me watch her put a puzzle together
She told Jason to give me a wet willy
She kept saying "Layla I just have to tell you something"
She asked me if I cried for her while she was gone (i used to ask her that jokingly when she came to my house)
She showed me one of her "school books" and sang me her ABC's
and and hour and a half later, i finally had to let her go.
She was sad.
I told her I had to go cook dinner and she told me to put her on the counter so she could watch me.
It broke my heart to see her little face turn sad when we hung up.
I cried.
a lot.

I am not over it.

And I am not going to be.

But I will talk to her as much as possible for as long as I can any time of the day no matter how sad I may day it will be easier....

Monday, September 10, 2012

Everyday in life kinda thing

Okay so, I am in a rut.
Not just a blogging rut.
An everyday in life kind of rut.

I hate feeling like this.

I need to change things, but pin pointing what it is drives me insane.
I always have a list of things I do that I want to be better at...
a list of things that if I put a little effort into I will be in such better state of mind and feel accomplished.
And sadly, this list is pretty much the same each time I am in a rut.
But finding the will power and desire to get it done...near impossible.

  • housework, pretty much ALL aspects could be improved on. (again, that is why my blog has the name messy but loveable)
  • sewing, I have started a facebook page, and soon will have an etsy up and running for the skirts I am selling, but when I have a lack of people interested, I find that I have a lack in desire, but when I have a few people wanting skirts, I feel pressured and rushed and don't like the final product.
can't win for losing in my own book.
  • my weight..I have had a lapband fill in the last month, however it hasn't really helped me lose weight...but if I got off my lazy bottom and went for a walk, or use the gym membership I am paying monthly for, I am sure it would improve.
and on the same page just about....
  • health. I have in the past been diagnosed with diabetes, however i was a bad patient. Jason has recently voiced concerns and wanted me to go to the doctor to follow up...I have done it, and i have been better at checking my blood sugar levels and taking my medicine, next I have to make better food choices.
  • organization, lets face it, I read too many blogs.
    And while I know that the bloggers I read are not perfect by any means, and that they are not showing off their lives to be boastful, and to hide the ugly, it still isn't hard to imagine that their lives are all organized with their chalkboard to do lists, their well mannered sweet behaviored children and their menu/meal planning boards, with a cleaning schedule, a reading schedule, a bible study schedule, a blogging schedule and a date night schedule. It makes me envious...but the common theme to most of those who do run a well oiled machine of a life is being organized.
    I lack in the organization department,
    Which is funny because a lot of people outside my home think I am ubber on top of it. ha. little do they know, I live in piles of piles of piles.....only to be hiding more piles in my garage and closets, ha.
  • blogging - I want to be on top of it.
    Caught up, not feeling bad about what I haven't posted that I wanted to....
    I want a weekly thing that I do, like fabulous foody Fridays you know something catchy, something that shares with my family and friends who read this a little bit about me...
    I want a pretty awesome blog....I don't care if I get paid a million dollars to write, I don't care if I have a million people following me...but I do care for journaling, and writing and connecting with people who are in the same walk of life as me, and or who have passed through and can share some wisdom, or about to start their journey in where I have been so what I write is helpful and informational for them...
And last but not least....

  • I need to develop a greater walk with God. I need to grow stronger in my scripture study, personal prayer and fasting, in my ministries, in sitting and listening to what God is trying to talk to me about, but I always seem to be busy.
    Not necessarily busy with anything important, but if I am always plugged into the world around me, I am not allowing the Spirit to minister to me.
    My pastor gave us a great message on Sunday.
    He was talking about being still and trusting in God. Sometimes we try to jump ahead, and direct ourselves when God put us somewhere. And in the quiet times after he put us where he needs us to be, we try to jump the gun and move on...we take God's silence as His way of allowing us to move ourselves through this life, when He is trying to work in the background and we were supposed to stay and trust Him and His plan.
    I have a hard time with this.
    I try and try and try to over think, over try, over compensate when I think God wants me to SHOW my obedience rather than just BE obedient.
    I was always told we show God through our actions that we praise and worship Him, when in fact being still and not trying to play boss is what we are supposed to do sometimes.
    This brings up many questions....especially about this infertility journey we are on... I have to pray for this more, because I now am wondering this whole "wait and trust" topic, was this directed towards me and trying to jump the gun of God's plan and create a baby through ivf when he has a prefect plan, but I am not staying and trusting. (prayer warriors, i ask you to cover me in prayers for answer to this.)
To help in all of this rut busting.....I usually make lists.
and then I make a list of my lists
and then I make a list of my lists of my list.
and then I make a list of my lists of my lists of my lists.
you get the point.
I am so detailed and listed that I get overwhelmed and my lists just sit there and get dusty because I get defeated before I start. (can I get an amen?)

I love lists.

I feel like I focus better when I can physically mark something off...

I feel like lists can help others too, if they want to jump in and help, look at the list, pick something, and go and do it.
but I never share my lists.
I am kind of stingy with it. not that I don't like to share in the responsibilities, but I get soooo ocd that if they don't do what I feel like is a good job, then whats the point in them helping, I might as well do it myself.
Then because I am not able to get it done like I want.
I don't do it.
so it gets left undone
and I get in a rut..
and then I post blogs like this.
and vent.
and then I feel better about it
but it is still undone.

soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, there is the wicked cycle.

hopefully I can end it.

any suggestions?