Everyday in life kinda thing

Okay so, I am in a rut.
Not just a blogging rut.
An everyday in life kind of rut.

I hate feeling like this.

I need to change things, but pin pointing what it is drives me insane.
I always have a list of things I do that I want to be better at...
a list of things that if I put a little effort into I will be in such better state of mind and feel accomplished.
And sadly, this list is pretty much the same each time I am in a rut.
But finding the will power and desire to get it done...near impossible.

• housework, pretty much ALL aspects could be improved on. (again, that is why my blog has the name messy but loveable)
• sewing, I have started a facebook page, and soon will have an etsy up and running for the skirts I am selling, but when I have a lack of people interested, I find that I have a lack in desire, but when I have a few people wanting skirts, I feel pressured and rushed and don't like the final product.

can't win for losing in my own book.

• my weight..I have had a lapband fill in the last month, however it hasn't really helped me lose weight...but if I got off my lazy bottom and went for a walk, or use the gym membership I am paying monthly for, I am sure it would improve.

and on the same page just about....

• health. I have in the past been diagnosed with diabetes, however i was a bad patient. Jason has recently voiced concerns and wanted me to go to the doctor to follow up...I have done it, and i have been better at checking my blood sugar levels and taking my medicine, next I have to make better food choices.
• organization, lets face it, I read too many blogs.
  And while I know that the bloggers I read are not perfect by any means, and that they are not showing off their lives to be boastful, and to hide the ugly, it still isn't hard to imagine that their lives are all organized with their chalkboard to do lists, their well mannered sweet behaviored children and their menu/meal planning boards, with a cleaning schedule, a reading schedule, a bible study schedule, a blogging schedule and a date night schedule. It makes me envious...but the common theme to most of those who do run a well oiled machine of a life is being organized.
  I lack in the organization department,
  Which is funny because a lot of people outside my home think I am ubber on top of it. ha. little do they know, I live in piles of piles of piles.....only to be hiding more piles in my garage and closets, ha.
• blogging - I want to be on top of it.
  Caught up, not feeling bad about what I haven't posted that I wanted to....
  I want a weekly thing that I do, like fabulous foody Fridays you know something catchy, something that shares with my family and friends who read this a little bit about me...
  I want a pretty awesome blog....I don't care if I get paid a million dollars to write, I don't care if I have a million people following me...but I do care for journaling, and writing and connecting with people who are in the same walk of life as me, and or who have passed through and can share some wisdom, or about to start their journey in where I have been so what I write is helpful and informational for them...

And last but not least....

• I need to develop a greater walk with God. I need to grow stronger in my scripture study, personal prayer and fasting, in my ministries, in sitting and listening to what God is trying to talk to me about, but I always seem to be busy.
  Not necessarily busy with anything important, but if I am always plugged into the world around me, I am not allowing the Spirit to minister to me.
  My pastor gave us a great message on Sunday.
  He was talking about being still and trusting in God. Sometimes we try to jump ahead, and direct ourselves when God put us somewhere. And in the quiet times after he put us where he needs us to be, we try to jump the gun and move on...we take God's silence as His way of allowing us to move ourselves through this life, when He is trying to work in the background and we were supposed to stay and trust Him and His plan.
  I have a hard time with this.
  I try and try and try to over think, over try, over compensate when I think God wants me to SHOW my obedience rather than just BE obedient.
  I was always told we show God through our actions that we praise and worship Him, when in fact being still and not trying to play boss is what we are supposed to do sometimes.
  This brings up many questions....especially about this infertility journey we are on... I have to pray for this more, because I now am wondering this whole "wait and trust" topic, was this directed towards me and trying to jump the gun of God's plan and create a baby through ivf when he has a prefect plan, but I am not staying and trusting. (prayer warriors, i ask you to cover me in prayers for answer to this.)

To help in all of this rut busting.....I usually make lists.
and then I make a list of my lists
and then I make a list of my lists of my list.
and then I make a list of my lists of my lists of my lists.
you get the point.
I am so detailed and listed that I get overwhelmed and my lists just sit there and get dusty because I get defeated before I start. (can I get an amen?)

I love lists.

I feel like I focus better when I can physically mark something off...

I feel like lists can help others too, if they want to jump in and help, look at the list, pick something, and go and do it.
but I never share my lists.
I am kind of stingy with it. not that I don't like to share in the responsibilities, but I get soooo ocd that if they don't do what I feel like is a good job, then whats the point in them helping, I might as well do it myself.
Then because I am not able to get it done like I want.
I don't do it.
so it gets left undone
and I get in a rut..
and then I post blogs like this.
and vent.
and then I feel better about it
but it is still undone.

soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, there is the wicked cycle.

hopefully I can end it.

any suggestions?

Miscellany Monday - Random Random Random.

• Let me preface this with :Jason and I are not fighting! Not in the slightest! but....after the last 3 days of having an involuntary money hiccup because of his job going through a merger, and not paying him when they were supposed to.....I have felt the stress that could lead to fighting about money....I could never before today what would drive couples to fight so much about money.....ack! STRESSED OUT! ha.
• Packing for my trip to Minnesota has been procrastinated too long.....the washer doesn't go fast enough! ha.
• I am going to my sweet friends wedding...in Minnesota...
• I have three things to do when I am in Minnesota.....go to Wisconsin and eat cheese curds, go to the mall of America, and find some Amish people...
• I wasn't interested in Amish when I lived in Illinois, but now after watching so many shows about them, I want to go and give them all hugs!
• Let's see how many times I can say Amish and Minnesota in one post.
• Good thing this is a blog post all about random stuff.
• I need to return library books tomorrow so I don't get late fees while I am in Minnesota, please, if you have my number, shoot me a text and remind me.
• I am trying to decide what to do on the money front.....I want to go to work, I am not sure I want to babysit, I know I need money, but I need something that will be flexible with my infertility appointments, and somewhere that they know I may not come back once I get pregnant. ugh, I am so needy. ha.
• I had to cancel my fill in my lapband today because of the aforementioned money hiccup. makes me sad. I needed it today.
• I have found that I make to do lists for thing I need to make a list about. what does that say about me?
• I haven't caught onto the instagram bandwagon enough to really understand it, its purpose other than doing quick edits to the color of my pictures.
• I heart pinterest.
• When I go to Minnesota, I will be there by myself all day Wednesday and part of the day Thursday. Then Jason drives up. Fun stuff.
• I am excited to plan a babyshower for a girl at church who does nothing but crave sweet cereal....I pinterest ideas, and my mind is flowing! Fun times!
• I want someone to teach me how to be OCD. Maybe that will help me clean faster, better, and with a better attitude.
• speaking of OCD. I read one of those ecards floating around on facebook, and it said "I am going to hold OCD support meetings at my home, not because I have it, but maybe it will drive one of them crazy enough to clean my house.
• I have told people that I do not need a birthday present but if they want to get me something, then donating the amount they were going to spend on a gift to my babyfund would be super helpful.
• I go in today for my baseline sonogram. here we go again.
• I think we got jipped, because when I was a kid, I was pretty sure that I thought that 2012 would have flying cars and hover boards, *shakes fists at the back to the future trilogy*

Thanks for sticking with this randomosity of a post!

For the record:
Minnesota (including this one): 7
Amish (including this one): 4

The Latest on the Baby Front - Actual RE appt.

So can I say this from the start.......
Having a second opinion, will probably lead to a third, then possibly a fourth so on and so on. I have learned going to the appointment that no one doctor has similar opinions, and trying to decide the who's and what's and why's of this infertility thing may just take me having to get my own medical degree and treating us myself. ha.

With that said, I literally busted into tears sitting right there talking to the doctor on Tuesday.

I was, or I guess technically, still am SOOOO confused (more so at the two completely separate answers - not necessarily to the info given) and almost at the point of frustration at the same time excited and ready to get this party started...how's that for some mixed emotions.

So here goes the appointment review:
Hold on to your hats folks, we are about to take a rollarcoaster ride...
So this doctor, we had seen January 2011 back when we were recommended by a friend at the time to see a specialist to get a move on our baby having.
At the time (2011) Dr. Le - a Reproductive Endocrinology (RE) said that I am still young, and since Jason had a kid before, everything should work out for us, and if not, then we should consult my doctor, then proceed from there.
Cue July 2012.
We show up to the appointment I scheduled at the recomendation of Jason's urologist.
He welcomes us.
We explain, I had three rounds of Clomid cycles (round 1, round 2, round 3)with no pregnancy, and Jason was diagnosed with male factor infertility as a result of varicoses.
We also explain that the urologist says we need to look into having IVF - ICSI as that will be the only way for us to have children until Jason can lose 100 pounds and have the surgery to repair his veins.

Off the bat Dr. Le, says the that surgery suggested is unsuccessful at correcting male infertility issues and that he has only dealt two cases of men who had this surgery and it resulted in any kind of difference in their sperm shape.

 WHHHHHHHHHHHHHAT? That's not what the urologist said......who do I believe? AHHHHHH.

Then looking at the sperm analysis (SA), Dr. Le said these three things 1)he questions the integrity of the results because it wasn't done at his lab and 2) says that egg penetration by the sperm have nothing to do with the shape of the little swimmers (not his terminology) but has everything to do with motility (how fast) and quantity. 3) for Jason to stay on the two meds the urologist has him on because they are improving his count and motility, even if it is just a little bit, an improvement is an improvement.

WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT? This whole time we are stressed about their shape.
Why is this?

Dr. Le explained that the shape has nothing to do with it because, if more of the little guys can make it through and into the uterus, then there will be more at the egg trying to get in, the more there are trying to get in, the more the egg wall is compromised and so there will be success in getting in. The problem is knowing the quality of the sperm getting in.....if it is bad dna, then the pregnancy would not be viable....good dna then things proceed......
I. WAS. SO. CONFUSED. (i am pretty sure this was about the point the doctor handed me the box of tissues and I felt like my head was spinning so.much.info. so little to compare it to from the urologist)

But Jason and I agreed, that what Dr. Le said made sense. He has had lots of experience on both the male and female side of reproduction, and we have physically seen his results.....so we will go with it.

so with this there is good news and bad news.....

Good News

• because shape has nothing to do with it, (cue tina turner in my head "whats shape got to do got to do with it.....) IUI should be the first thing to try.
• My insurance covers IUI
• IUI is quicker, less painful, and much much cheaper.
• I get to start this process as soon as I have my next period (which should be any day now)
• This clinic has super cheap rates for iui and ivf.

Bad News

• Jason's surgery may not correct the shape, so therefore having kids naturally in the future may not be possible. ever. (minus that is a miracle from God....and we all must believe in those.)
• With IUI we have "natural" chances to conceive....and with every attempt naturally you only have a 15% chance of creating a baby!
• Once IUI has been tried and is unsuccessful, we are urged to go ahead with IVF - PICSI (the one with the p because if low quality sperm they want to make sure these attempts have a better success rate with a good dna cluster).
• IVF will still cost thousands and thousands of dollars.....can we say fundraisers! can I get an amen?
• on top of all the meds we may have to be taking, I now get to research suppliements aka : Male Prenatal vitamins....yay. not.

In review:
IUI is when they clean up Jason's sample, get the strongest of the swimmers and insert them into me on the optimal day, and let them do their jobs....naturally from that point. The procedure for me is similar to the past clomid regimen I was on....a little invasive, but nothing intolerable.
IVF is when they harvest many eggs from me (as many as  my body will produce at one time could be two could be twenty) then the best of the best is taken from Jason's sample they are both directly put into a petri dish, and they do their job to meet up with each other. Then once they are fertilized, and monitored, two of the best developed embryos are then placed into my uterus on the appropriate day of my cycle (the day my body would have naturally had the eggs in the uterus) and then my body will accept or deny them. With this procedure, once the eggs are fertilized, there is at least a 65% success rate, with at least 50% of the successes are twins.
IVF - ICSI same as the regular IVF EXCEPT for instead of putting everyone in the petri dish, the lab will physically insert a sperm (remember, the best of the best) into the eggs.....the watching, and waiting and inserting into the uterus is still the same.
IVF - PICSI is the new one (there is a few hand drawn diagrams at the bottom of this post that was the doctors explanation.) same things as IVF-ICSI except before the egg and sperm are joined, the sperm go through a very rigorous test to make sure the dna quality will produce a viable embryo.

 As the doctor explained everything, he doodled on paper. I can appreciate a good doodle! These doodles didn't mean much to you because you didn't hear the words that he was saying as doodling....so I photoshoped a few notes along with his original drawings.

IVF - PICSI explained.

stay tuned......for updates, hopefully sooner rather than later!

Miscellany Monday Link Up - AKA Random Thoughts

So as random as this post is, it is all pretty much things I am dealing with, doing, working on, and probably unneccessarily stressing myself out with.

• So I am pretty sure I am about to spend 1,983,894 hours uploading the 45,746,323,543,323.9 videos I have taken over the years, onto youtube. Why you ask? Well mostly because I might want to blog about something, but also there is my 87 year old grandmother who has just fell in love with an ipad she got for her birthday, and there are lots of videos she has never seen, and or would love to sit and watch. So I am basically trying to give her some guilty pleasures, ha.
• Today I will be driving the older youth from our church down to Lufkin to the camp grounds to a week long "senior camp".
• Tomorrow Jason has his follow up appointment to his urologist. Exciting? to you, probably not....for me, not sure there is much to follow up on, ha, Jason still needs to lose weight, and go through the steps, however I think this is to see how his medicine has been "correcting" his low Testosterone....
• I still need to make an appointment with the IVF doctor....just for a consultation.
• I am still believing God can provide several miracles.
• I know several people who are in need of healings, mind, body, and spirit, please keep K,T,R,K,J,A,M,C in your prayers. They are very unspoken, very different needs, but all very urgent!
• I volunteered (why do I do this to myself???) to teach the 4-5 year olds in our Olympic themed Vacation Bible School in three weeks.....if you have ever put together a vbs classroom, or have any pointers, I am VERY open to suggestions....
• Again, I volunteered (still, why why why???ha) to help with the researching and fundraising for choir robes for church.....again, I will gladly take any suggestions for companies with great prices, great EASY and SUCCESSFUL fundraising....
• Do you know that my awesomely wonderful sweet and loving husband has done 90% of the daily cooking at my house for the last two months. Now, don't get me wrong, I love cooking, (I just hate the clean up! ha) however we bought a grill a few months ago and ever since then, we have grilled just about everything, and by "we" I mean "HE" ....we have now decided that we LOVE his steaks a million times more than we love anything from a restaurant. As a matter of fact, I might just be a steak snob now. Just saying.
• With the grill, we have purchased our weight in asparagus, as a matter of fact if we don't have any in the fridge (like right now) we feel like we don't have anything to make.....don't get me wrong, we have a pantry full of veggies, and a ton of frozen veggies, but that doesn't matter, we just don't have aspargus.
• I am still working on be accountable for the list of topics I wrote on this post.
• I started this post at midnight last night, and all of the thoughts were random to last night....here are a few for today.
• IT IS HOT......UGH.....This is pretty much the time of the year I hate.....Texas Summers are horrible. I need a summer house at the North Pole.
• I signed up for care.com and have already had someone email me because they are interested in my babysitting services...I am pretty desperate, I need a job. I have a baby fund to start saving for.
• Speaking of baby fund, is it goofy to say, I am doing "Cans for Kids" and by that I mean I am going be requesting people to save their aluminum cans so I can cash them in for my baby fund.
• Speaking again of baby fund, I am going to start an etsy account of the denim skirts I make (convert jeans into skirts) and hairbows and such, so I can use that money for baby fund also...
• I have an awesome husband, he is sitting next to me, and it is all I can do not to snuggle up to him and melt into his arms.....ahhhhh thats my favorite places...

Okay, so thats all pretty random, and now that I have a few other things to blog about, I will close this post up....yay, I am sure you are finally excited for that! That is if you made it that long through my randomness.

To Be or Not to Be - That's How I Drive Myself Insane.

At what point do you feel like you are crazy?
"Waiting" to know if this week is AF or a positive pregnancy test....everything.that.happens. I assume is a sign for something.....any cramp or stomach pain, is AF cramps. Any unsettled stomach, or indigestion indicates pregnancy. Any headache backache, or grumpy attitude is AF. Any emotional tear, craving, short temper is pregnancy....wait short temper could be AF, so could the tears and cravings......AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
I am sure having a baby the old fashioned way is soooooooooooo much easier, and a whole lot less analytical. ha.
But it is hard to not jump back and forth. Doing such treatments for infertility, you want to believe that everything will point to that second little pink line on the pregnancy test. But knowing what you know about how your body has been working....it is a little discouraging, and expected just to have another AF this month....
People say that once you stop trying it's when it will happen, and not to take all the little "symptoms" to heart....
"Have fun with the process"

Well, I didn't "try" for two years, and it didn't happen.
Now we are trying.

I am having a good time with MOST of the process.....but this mental countdown on when I should be "starting" vs. taking yet ANOTHER pregnancy test......this is what is the making me insane. ha.
God knows, and HE provides.....but doesn't mean I don't get locked in the looney bin in the process! ha!

Here's praying for a good week......

Okay so onto my "Operation Prepare for Baby"....

Here is this weeks "to do" list.

• Finish ALL the laundry in the house - About three more loads
• Start on the laundry in the garage - it's a bunch of random stuff that's been out there since we moved in, it may be "washed" already, but it has been in the garage for so long it smells like a garage.
• Sort through my room for garage sale purge.
• Organize all the pants that I am converting into skirts....the office is cluttered with them.

Thats going to be it for this week....I have a busy week as is with some of my church responsibilities. Jason and I are going to a Youth Conference this Thursday Friday and Saturday, I have Easter celebration to finish organizing, as well as buying the supplies for, and then a special event that is coming up....lots of planning....and last minute things....
Now I am going to take a minute, and switch out the laundry, then snuggle with my nephew while he watches Super Why! yay!

Monday night Tuesday Morning Brain Dump.

Don't you hate when you have a million ideas running around in your head, and you can't figure out how to get it out into their own blog.....
well that's where I am.....so welcome to my first "brain dump".

• I went to Texas Women's Conference this last weekend. I didn't get "everything" I needed to get, and the messages I did get was not necessarily from the actual "theme" but I think I did what I needed to do....that will make it's own post soon.

• it's two weeks till Easter, and I haven't put up a single decoration, I was talking to Alyssa today and said I might not even put anything up since I am already so late....and she said "Layla not put anything up for a holiday, did I hear that right?" ha. We'll see.

• Had a fun day taking Ainsley to get a sno-cone then to take pictures in the bluebonnets and then to the park...

• I have had a pretty lazy day, only did one load of laundry, put away two loads that were waiting for me, cooked dinner and loaded the dishwasher once.

• I have the audio books of the Hunger Game trilogy, I actually physically read the first one...not so sure how I am going to like listening to the book....not sure...we will see.

• I had a picture dump on facebook....I guess today is a dump kind of day.

• I want to have a garage sale, but I don't want to have to clean out the garage to do it....there is so much junk out there I just need to do it.....but I can't find the motivation.

• despite my worries, my insurance company has paid all the claims my doctor has sent....yay!

• I am going to be hosting a jordan essentials party...my friend is a consultant, and I went to a party...it's pretty neat stuff, you should look it up!

• I am in love with pinterest, just sayin.

• We have the dumbest floors EVER, I have decided I do not like tiled floors. I would do ok with a hardwood floor I could put area rugs on, but my floors are stupid......they are patterned and the room is awkwardly shaped to where I can't figure out how I could put area rugs in it.....grrrrr

• I love costco, for the record, they have the best frozen cheese raviolis and prepared carnitas.

• I have NEVER had curtains in my home....not that I don't want them, I just never done it...the venetian blinds just always seemed to do.....I am ready to be a grown up and get some window treatments.

• How do you prevent piles in your house? I need tips/hints....I get that everything needs a home, I guess that's where I need to start, finding a home....ugh.

• I want a better sleep schedule...going to bed late and waking up late is causing me to miss out on something I am sure....ha. maybe some phone calls at least.

• I am in such a need of a fill for my lapband, I have been at this same weight area (between 269 and 173, depending on the day) since about September....but every time we have the extra cash to go and get fills, we forget. grrrrrr. I.Want.A.Fill.Now. It is what I asked for Christmas, and Jason said that isn't a Christmas gift....but to me as of right now, that would have been the best gift ever!! We are going to be getting some mid April when we have a "free" check to spend an extra $200....

• We need to repaint this house.

• Aaron actually studied on his OWN the other day......I was pretty sure the world was ending.....he told Jason he didn't want the TV on or any games, he wanted to eat healthy non sugary foods and go to bed early....sheesh....if I could get that kind of dedication from him 30% of the time our lives would be different.

So I think that wraps up my brain dump, enjoy your day!