Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Baby Making Update...and question

First I want to clear something up.....when I posted last time about infertility, I incorrectly wrote that a week after I ovulated I should expect AF or a PPT(positive pregnancy test).....that time frame is incorrect, it is TWO weeks after the ovulation that I can expect AF or if you are waiting for me to report either way, you still have another week to wait. Sorry.
For those of you anxiously awaiting a new "update" on my baby making it goes.

I ovulated last monday, yay. This was my first positive OTK (ovulation testing kit).

I went to my church Women's Conference last Thursday noticing I had very sore lady parts.....I got know, that feeling you get when you are trying to conceive and you take every little unusual thing as a sign of pregnancy....ha. who know.

I came home from the Conference on Saturday.

Tuesday I went to my doctors office for a Progesterone level blood test. They said it will take up to 48-72 hours to get word on what it is.

Today (less than 24 hours) Nurse Debbie called and told me that my Progesterone level was a 22. Just to keep you informed the ideal level would be higher than 15. So I am well over the desired number. yay!

For those of you who are not in the 'know' According to WebMD:
Progesterone is a female hormone produced by the ovaries during release of a mature egg from an ovary (ovulation). Progesterone helps prepare the lining of the uterus (endometrium) to receive the egg if it becomes fertilized

So now.....Debbie told me, we are week will be AF of PPT. (for real this time! ha.)

Soooooooooo I have done this so far, and I am not sure how long I will keep it up....but it is fun to think about anyways....

IF I conceived this time....I would be due December 11,2012!

Now for those of you that have been pregnant before, I have a question.....

When you found out you were pregnant, did you announce it to everyone right away, or did you wait till after the first trimester?
I ask this because of a friend from church, she is just now sort of annoucning her pregnancy, but she has managed to keep quiet about it because she had previously had a miscarriage.....but the word is just now getting out about her, and she is already 17 weeks.
I told Jason I may want to wait, and he said he could keep the secret for as long as I wanted, but.....I don't know.....I want to make sure it was a viable pregnancy so not to get hopes up and such, but I am not sure how good I am with such a secret.....what did you do???

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Monday night Tuesday Morning Brain Dump.

Don't you hate when you have a million ideas running around in your head, and you can't figure out how to get it out into their own blog.....
well that's where I welcome to my first "brain dump".

  • I went to Texas Women's Conference this last weekend. I didn't get "everything" I needed to get, and the messages I did get was not necessarily from the actual "theme" but I think I did what I needed to do....that will make it's own post soon.

  • it's two weeks till Easter, and I haven't put up a single decoration, I was talking to Alyssa today and said I might not even put anything up since I am already so late....and she said "Layla not put anything up for a holiday, did I hear that right?" ha. We'll see.

  • Had a fun day taking Ainsley to get a sno-cone then to take pictures in the bluebonnets and then to the park...
  • I have had a pretty lazy day, only did one load of laundry, put away two loads that were waiting for me, cooked dinner and loaded the dishwasher once.

  • I have the audio books of the Hunger Game trilogy, I actually physically read the first one...not so sure how I am going to like listening to the book....not sure...we will see.

  • I had a picture dump on facebook....I guess today is a dump kind of day.

  • I want to have a garage sale, but I don't want to have to clean out the garage to do it....there is so much junk out there I just need to do it.....but I can't find the motivation.

  • despite my worries, my insurance company has paid all the claims my doctor has sent....yay!

  • I am going to be hosting a jordan essentials friend is a consultant, and I went to a's pretty neat stuff, you should look it up!

  • I am in love with pinterest, just sayin.

  • We have the dumbest floors EVER, I have decided I do not like tiled floors. I would do ok with a hardwood floor I could put area rugs on, but my floors are stupid......they are patterned and the room is awkwardly shaped to where I can't figure out how I could put area rugs in it.....grrrrr

  • I love costco, for the record, they have the best frozen cheese raviolis and prepared carnitas.

  • I have NEVER had curtains in my home....not that I don't want them, I just never done it...the venetian blinds just always seemed to do.....I am ready to be a grown up and get some window treatments.

  • How do you prevent piles in your house? I need tips/hints....I get that everything needs a home, I guess that's where I need to start, finding a home....ugh.

  • I want a better sleep schedule...going to bed late and waking up late is causing me to miss out on something I am sure....ha. maybe some phone calls at least.

  • I am in such a need of a fill for my lapband, I have been at this same weight area (between 269 and 173, depending on the day) since about September....but every time we have the extra cash to go and get fills, we forget. grrrrrr. I.Want.A.Fill.Now. It is what I asked for Christmas, and Jason said that isn't a Christmas gift....but to me as of right now, that would have been the best gift ever!! We are going to be getting some mid April when we have a "free" check to spend an extra $200....

  • We need to repaint this house.

  • Aaron actually studied on his OWN the other day......I was pretty sure the world was ending.....he told Jason he didn't want the TV on or any games, he wanted to eat healthy non sugary foods and go to bed early....sheesh....if I could get that kind of dedication from him 30% of the time our lives would be different.

So I think that wraps up my brain dump, enjoy your day!

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

PSA: Towels and a tutorial.

So I have some little quirks that make me who I am.....
  • When vacuuming, I need all my vacuum lines going the same way, and or as neat as possible, including no feet print in them.
  • My husbands underwear have to be nicely folded and in neat piles, where mine can just be tossed in the drawer with no rhyme or reason.
  • my towels have to be folded nice and neatly and stacked nicely in the linen closet.
This last quirk is what I will be discussing briefly today.

This picture shows the way I used to fold towels vs. the way I fold now...aka...the only way to fold towels properly in my opinion.

Here is the close up, individuals on each style.

If at any point I see the towels unkept in the closet, I will not hesitate to refold is an OCD habit that will drive me insane.
I can have a messy kitchen, piles of papers, and junk, clothes on my bedroom floor, a whole house in desperate need of attention, but....if I have a mess stack of towels my skin will crawl until it is fixed.
dumb I know.

Typically when the kids fold the towels,the messy stack is how they usually put them in the closet.
Now don't get me wrong. I appreciate the effort made. I appreciate that they took their time to fold them and actually put them away...I get it, they tried.
and it is a really big BUT....

I have taught them how to do it "right".
I have taught them how to stack them nice and neat.
and when the towels are in my closet looking like this, I know that the effort was half hearted and they didn't take the time to do it nice and neat.
And before you get all up in a tissy, and tell me they are just kids, I have to tell you, if I don't help them strive to do things right, then who will.
It will be my ever living thrill when I have grandchildren one day and my kids come to me and tell me their frustrations on how the kids are not doing things right....I can wait to be a grandmother, but I can't wait for the "payback" satisfaction!
Again, no comment about my messy house....I can have some kind of perfectionism can't I???

So to make sure that when I come over to your house and look in your linen closet I don't get horrified to see messy is a quick tutorial on how I fold towels the right way.

Step 1: ....lay the towel flat (or if you become a pro you can do this without having ot lay it on the bed, that's how I roll)

Step 2 Fold the towel in half, the long way.

Step 3: Fold it again in half

Step 4 turn the towel long ways

Step 5: Fold the end into the center of the towel (so basically into 3rds)

 Step 6: Fold the other side unto the already folded part.

 This is the finished product.....all nice and neat, ready to be unfolded and used at any time, but while it waits it is cute and put together.

The person to thank for teaching me this OCD habit would have to be my sister - in - law Julie, she taught me how she folded towels almost 7 years ago and then I have never looked back. I hope you use this as your public service announcement and benefit from this newly found knowledge....your linen closet will thank me.

Monday, March 19, 2012


So today is "the" day.
According to my Clear Blue and Easy Ovulation test, I got the positive smiley face icon. Last month I didn't register a spike in ovulation, but this time around, I did.
I nearly jumped out of my skin when I got a positive. I am not too sure why....maybe because after peeing on a few sticks in my lifetime, this is the first positive I have had.
So now.....we have some baby dancing to do for the next few's still amazing how the Lord's timing is....because Thursday and Friday of this next week I will be at a ladies conference in Lufkin and my husband will be here at home, so if I had ovulated then, there would be no way I could have had a baby dance done.....
A week from now I will either have a visit from AF or, I will have my second positive test .... but this time a positive PREGNANCY test.....
Here's to having a great night! :-)

Prayers are welcome.... :-)

As of today.....

Today was supposed to be the day I went to get my internal sonogram....however, last Thursday Nurse Debbie called asking if she could reschedule me to the Saturday before.
I went in on Saturday, and she did the sono, she said that my right ovary is still the dominate and again there are two great perspective follicles, one being a 14mm and the other a whopping 18mm. A mature egg measures at 18mm. She said to expect them to get larger before I ovulate, and as of today, they may be an 18mm and 22mm......she also said my lining looks good and thick, at a 9, and everything is on course.
My only instruction for this week was to do the baby dance every other day between Sunday and Thursday, and do ovulation testing....and with that when I do have a surge to call the nurse. Last month I didn't surge, however she thinks it was the test I used, either faulty tests or user error.
Those dumb tests are not fun, you have to do them at the same time every day as well as you can't pee for 4 hours before hand.....grrrr.....dumb.
I am estimated to ovulate Monday or Tuesday, but she said it could happen as late at here's hoping for a baby making week! yay.

In other news, I am excited that at the end of this week I am going to Ladies Conference. It will be a relief and relaxation from the baby making tasks and all the everyday hohum of life. I can't wait! Yay!

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Sweet Sunday Company.

I took my niece to church with me today.
She is the sweetest little chunky monkey...

Yesterday Victoria told me that she wanted to spend the night with me...she wanted to have a slumber party...sure she may only be about 4 months old, but like Jason says "What a princess wants a princess gets"
Veida bought her dress yesterday, and then last night I searched Walmart high and low to find the perfect ribbon to make her bow. While I was there I realized she needed shoes to go with the outfit. I found out today, I bought her her first pair of shoes. YAY! Don't be mad that she wore white shoes before Easter.....ha.

 I think she turned out way to precious.....she was such a doll at church and everyone fought over who was going to play with her after service. She is such a happy smiling baby!

such sweet feet
Sweet as pie

Ready to go to church

I love when she spends the night with me. I get to cuddle her in bed, and she snuggles right into the nook between my neck and shoulder and just gently lays her hand on me as if she knows how to cuddle. She wakes up smiling and sweet. She is such a joy.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Waiting Faithfully, or alternate title: Thank you Julee Turner

So I have been in a real conflict in my head about the infertility treatments I am undergoing right now. Because I am not doing IUI or IVF I can say the treatments are only nothing too too bad. That's not my problem.

My problem is whether or not I am "waiting on the Lord". People tell me all the time, it is in the Lords time. And obviously, I am the worst at being patient for what I want, and knowing the Lords time is not my time, I can get a bit antsy.... with that said, is what I am doing with infertility stepping on God's toes? Am I trying to rush it and go around the plans God has for I trying to find a loophole in all this?

For a few weeks now, I have felt this way. I have felt like this is not happening for me because I am trying to make it work without the support of the Lord.
Who am I to tell God that I am 100% ready to have a baby, and then just go in and try to play the creator.....

As I was having this doubting type feeling the other day, I couldn't help but worry about God seeing me and shaking his head at me, is the insurance dragging their feet with payment to the doctors because God doesn't really want this and so it is going to be a huge financial burden to us to the point I give up and let God do what he wants to do with every negative pregnancy test and ovulation test Gods way of laughing at me...
I was really internally fretting.

After each church service we have the opportunity to go to the alter and pray, repent and really get ahold of God....well the last few services I have really felt a peace after each alter visit. I have felt a burden lifted, and after the services where God gave me a new outlook, I have really been relaxed about my whole situation....but with this relaxation, I still didn't have the complete knowledge that what I was doing was ok. I was just doing it. And so the evil fretting continued....

Then one day, as I was sitting and thinking about everything, I said a quick prayer, and all I said was "Lord show me, show me if this is what you want me to do, or if I should stop". Then I put down the "infertility stimulus sheet" (which is the schedule of things to do from my doctors office) and went about my day. That night Jason and I were about to leave the house, sitting in the car, he had just picked up the mail and I was going through it. And I saw an EOB from my insurance company, and sure enough they paid for the sonogram. Holy Smokes! Thank you Jesus! I was for sure I would be billed for the past 5 internal sonograms they did on me, and I was for sure I was going to have a huge bill and not be able to continue for that reason alone....but God did it. Like I said in a previous post, my insurance company ONLY covers IUI and nothing else in the way of infertility, and that has to get approval and have lots of rules and stipulations... As I saw what God did for me with the insurance company and remembering the peace I found while at the alter an overwhelming warmth flooded my body. Then a scripture came to mind.....

James 2:26
For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also.

I looked up this scripture and read the entire 2nd chapter of James. It talks about Abraham's faith in could someone longing for a child as long as Abraham and Sarah did take that child and sacrifice him......that was true faith on Abraham's part...but had he not taken Isaac up the mountain and laid him on the alter and raised the knife WITH the honest intent to do what the Lord asked he would not be SHOWing his faith. So this tells me that to prove faith there must be an action....
I decided my action/"works" would be going through these treatments...charting and calculating and documenting my "fertility life" and then leaving the miracles to God.
As soon as I decided this the same day I read a blog. Julee's words hit home with me. She went through infertility and now has a baby...the blog she wrote was to simply remember the part of her journey through ivf and the day they did the embryo transfer that resulted in her baby girl...
"I will never forget the feeling of relief that I had done everything I could and it was up to God if this would turn into a pregnancy!"

And there it was....the words that the Lord gave this woman to touch me a woman who lives a state away and she is a person whose blog I follow who doesn't know me to be more than a twitter stalker, and more than likely will never meet me, know me, or even give me a second glance.... she was comforted in her faith actions and left the miracle up to the professional......and there I am....

I am learning the lessons God had for me during this time in my life,

Wait on Him and be faithful in the process.
How to have faith in times that seem too hard to believe in anything
Do what I can to prove my faith, but know it is in His time....

Thank you Lord for these lessons, Thank you Julee for being such a blessing with your blog, Thank you all for your love support and prayers. Keep them coming.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Suffer the little children

Matthew 19:13
But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven.

I am a firm believer in this....

Ainsley is a little girl that I have babysat since she was 5 months old. So I have been watching her for about .... 3 1/2 years.
this is Ainsley December 11,2008
Not sure when this picture was, but isn't she so sweet!?!? 
This was last summer at Jason's works outing to the Rangers game
We even took her to Disney with us two summers ago (she was about to turn 2)....

When Ainsley eats dinner with us, she insists on praying, so even if someone else prays for dinner, Ainsley always follows up with her own prayer....and it normally goes something like this
"Thank you Jesus for our dinner, for our friends and for our family amen"
It is so sweet to hear.
Tonight, however, after praying, she sits up on her knees looks me dead in the eyes and said "You need a baby" I told her that Jesus will give me a baby, and when she said her prayers to ask Jesus for one. And right then she lays her hand on my back, bows her head and rests it on my shoulder and said
"Thank you Jesus for my day, and for my food, and Jesus give Layla a baby, amen"
I can't wait to see the woman of God Ainsley turns into.... a few months ago she was walking around church and asked EVERYONE to pray for her dog. I mean EVERYONE. Well by dog, she was referring to her grandmothers dog Janie. Well, no one knew why she was asking everyone.....last week Jason was talking to Ainsley's mother and told her that the prayers worked, because at the point of Ainsley's prayer request, Janie was very sick and they were sure that the dog was not going to make, the dog is perfectly healthy.
How awesome is that, Ainsley's prayer was so sincere and the requests were in such faith, that no matter how many people genuinely prayed for Janie, Ainsley's faith was enough to show God that the miracle was needed.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

10 things about me random style.

After realizing that this blog is pretty new to most people, and I haven't done much in the way of introducing myself, I thought I would do a top ten list of random facts about me....yay. Enjoy.

1) I didn't have two front teeth from the age of 2 till I was about 8 years old. I was running through the house and tripped and hit the coffee table when I was 2, and because they prematurely got knocked out, my adult teeth didn't grow in till they were supposed for 6 years, all I really wanted were my two front teeth....for reals.

2)  As a kid I was diagnosed with having Marfan's Syndrome, a connective tissue disorder. There are some very very clear physical characteristics of this syndrome and when I was 6 the doctors thought I displayed them. I was then un-diagnosed at the age of 14 when the doctors I had been seeing for this syndrome decided that the characteristics I had were genetic and not associated with this syndrome. So I spent several years being restricted in my physical activities as well as having tons of eye, MRI, Echocardiagrams and twice a year visits to the cardiologists, they did however say that I had MitroValve Prolapse (MVP), but it was common in tall people, most people think it is a heart murmur.
Unfortunately my father and middle sister have it, but it isn't too much of a hindrance, my dad is healthy and my sister is too with the two children she carried to term despite the doctors telling her as a kid she would never get to have any kids.

3) I am the worst at cleaning up behind myself in the kitchen. I get the concept of clean as you go, but putting it in action is harder for me than it sounds.

4) I have already read 4 books this year, which is about 2 more than I read last year. I am excited because the ladies of my church are about to start a book club! yay!

5) I am one day younger than Jason's baby sister.

6) While getting tested for lapband surgery, I mentioned I had MVP, they did a stress test of my heart and told me that I no longer had it, that either I was misdiagnosed, or it corrected itself, which is possible, I am going to go with, I was healed! :-)

7) I have to have white hangers in my closet. I was scarred as a child when we had all kinds of hangers and most of them were wired...and I hated them, and now I can't have other colored hangers, and Aaron's room has to have black.....who knows, I am sure I have mental issues. ha.

8) I have self diagnosed myself with Selective Sensitive Sound Syndrome (4s) and if anyone knows me, I hate smacking, Aaron's whistling pierces my ear with a dog whistle quality, and when Aaron sucks his tonueg (and he does it 24/7!!!!!) it drives me to the brink of insanity, and I am the ONLY. ONE. WHO. HEARS. IT!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate when people type fast, click pins, tap their fingers.....these noises are HORRIBLE and when it is happening, that is almost all I can concentrate, after reading someones comment on facebook about having it, I googled it, and right then diagnosed myself, and when my husband read it, he then understood that it wasn't me trying to pick at Aaron to find things that annoyed me, but it really was something that was wrong with me. Now, if I could only conquer this syndrome.
this is the definition from the website I found......
Selective Sound Sensitivity Syndrome or 4S is an intense and immediate emotional and physiological reaction (possibly rage, frustration, sadness, or panic) upon hearing certain sounds - most prominently noises associated with oral functions such as eating, breathing, chewing or other noises such as typing sounds or pencils scratching.

9) I have made thousands of oreo truffles in the last few years, but have only eaten 5 myself. When I cook something, or make something, I typically don't want it after it is made.

10)  I was born into the Methodist Church, then spent my tween, teen and early 20's in the Mormon Church, but now as of May 31,2009 was officially filled with the Holy Ghost and baptized in Jesus name and now am a Pentecostal. (Conversion story coming soon)

Yesterday Appointment Summary - Here we go again.

Yesterday was the first day of my round two in my infertility adventure.
I over slept yesterday morning, and missed my 7:30am appointment. Debbie tries to schedule her sonograms at that time so she can do other procedures throughout the day...
I called the office a BILLION times, however since their main business doesn't open till 8:30am, the tries were in vain.
I got Debbies voicemail and pleaded with it to let me come in sometime that same day. She called me back and scheduled me for 2pm. YaY!
I am on my "AF" (aunt flow).....and the pain this time around is enough to kill a man....well with that pain and the pain of her doing the internal sonogram, I had tears in my eyes, I was jumping and sucking air at every push poke and prod, it was not a fun experience.
Everything looks good she said, there are a lot of potential eggs in there.....yay.
Also, she is starting me on Clomid on day 3 instead of day 5. She said this is so the eggs develop a little faster so when ovulation happens they are super ready to go.
I think that's what she explained.
It is all overwhelming sometimes.
ya think.

Well the schedule this month is
5 days of Clomid - starting today and ending on Sunday
then every day ovulation tests starting on March 15th.
with every other day "baby dance" (BD) from the 15th to the 23rd....which may be a bit hard because I should be out of town on the 22nd-24th at a church ladies conference....Jason says no matter what, I can't miss it (not that I want to miss it.)

So that's it for now.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

A new outlook. Thank You Jesus.

We had an Evangelist come to our church this last weekend.
And he was an awesome awesome preacher.

Sunday morning he preached about....
He Loves me Anyways.
Despite what God KNEW what I was going to do to fail Him, even beyond how I think and feel about myself, and even though it was my actions that caused him to suffer on the Cross for my sin, he loves me anyways. And because of that love, I have strength....because it says in His word, that "I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me".

After this service my sweet sweet dear friend Kim came up to me, and told me as she was researching some health things she kept reading over the idea of getting enough sleep.....and when she would read it she would think of me. And then she read about sleep again and it was in combination of health things and fertility, and the Lord spoke to her to tell me, to "get more sleep". That is the first time I had recognized the ability of someone to be given a Word for ME, and I felt so special that God would Love me Anyways and use a mighty spiritual woman like Kim to give ME a message.....

And then Sunday night.....
Give me this Mountain.
There is a story in the Old Testament about Caleb (Joshua 14) being promised an inheritance of the land Moses had him spy on, but it was inhabited by the giants....finally after waiting 45 years, living wholly for God while he waited...Caleb declared that the land his and was ready to go to war for it even though he was 85 years old, and because of this confidence and faith in the Lord, Joshua granted him his inheritance.

Michael Ensey then preached about faith.
And that having faith doesn't mean you won't have doubt, but, it is what you do with the doubt.....having faith should help you starve the doubt and eventually your faith will grow stronger and you will no longer doubt.....

The gist of the evening service was, EXACTLY what I needed to hear.

And I sat through alter service praying, crying, praising, thanking and laying out all my fears and failures to my God....and after service, I was in a stupor. I touched a part of the throne of God I don't think I have ever reached. A peace and calm fell over me like I have never felt before. That there was my first miracle in this baby having process.
As I was sitting and collecting myself, my pastors wife came to me and held me for a second and told me to "never give up, starve the doubt and don't give up", it was the icing on my spiritual cake right then.

God KNOWS my hearts (and wombs) desire.
God KNOWS what I need in my life to be successful.
and I KNOW it is in HIS time, and HE will prepare me, my mind, and my life for HIS blessings.

I am finally at peace with this process.....the tic tock of my clock has quieted down and isn't ringing in my ears constantly.
I am now more focused on the things I need to do to you know how unorganized I am right now in my life, and if I did end up pregnant, I would probably freak out at how chaotic I feel with the mess!?!
When the Lord says He knows, He isn't joking.

Let me now get on with Operation Prepare for Baby 2012.

Here is my organizing/ to do list that is ever running in my head....
Clean out Craft/Junk Closet - organize it all and make stuff easier to get to, ultimately easier to put away.
Organize coupon closet
Clean out and organize garage
Closet, get all the laundry done, go through the clothes get rid of old stuff, organize shoes, and utilize storage space that is being wasted right now.
Develop a cleaning schedule for the whole house
Start routines such as exercise, formal personal bible study

The Lord answers prayers.
He has mine.
I may not be pregnant yet....
but I have learned to use Him to lean on

Peace is a sweet sweet feeling.

My husband constantly claims twins in Jesus name and speaks it into exsistance all the time... And I have a TON of people praying for me in this time of my life....and with that I say thank you to everyone involved in prayer for my sake..all this used to upset me because I wasn't seeing the results in prayer but now...keep praying, however know, my urgancy and panic has left and I am comforted by the ultimate Comforter.


Monday, March 5, 2012

Round Two.

Waking up today, I was crampy....and guess what. Yes that is right. I started.
So no taking tests today.
I had to call Debbie, and she asked me to come in tomorrow (Tuesday Cycle Day 2) for the next round of fun.
She also mentioned that I will be starting Clomid at Cycle Day 3 this time around. Jason wants to know why, but to satisfy his curiosity I will ask tomorrow, or google tonight.

So here we go again.
Round Two.
Wish me luck.

Catch Up End of the months test and stuff.

back to keeping up with the fertility.
my poor cousin Christine has been out of the loop for 15 days.
Sorry Cousin!

The last time I posted, I explained the internal sonogram I had done on Valentines Day. So, I didn't get a surge in ovulation the whole week. I went back on Saturday Feb 18th at 8am to do another internal sonogram to check the eggs development well I had two good ones, however I had an egg measuring at a 17mm, which is way good, so I hear. Debbie my infertility nurse was expecting that egg to do something. If I hadn't got an ovulation surge by Wed the 22nd, I had to go back again. BUT I had to continue do the "baby dance" every other day to make sure my days were covered if I ovulate and don't pick it up on the tests.
Well. On the 22nd.....I still hadn't had an ovulation surge. boo. She then did another sono, and saw that the 17mm egg was missing. Someone had stole it right out from under really, she said that I ovulated and didn't know it, so I had to come back and get blood work to see if my progesterone levels indicate I ovulated.
On the 28th of Feb, I went in for the blood test, it came back as a 14.8 which they rounded up to 15, and a 15 is levels of ovulation.
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO......with that she told me either I will start my period or that I would have a positive pregnancy test the next week.

Jason, being the eager beaver he is, had me buy tests on March 3, while we were at walgreens....I took the test that night, and plus sign to be had.

According to my ovulation tracker, Tuesday would be the day I should start my period....

And that leads us up to today.

Catch Up post: Valentines post 2

This note is VERY important to remember as you read the following blog......I am not angry, or resentful to anyone in this post. As a matter of fact I love each and every one of these people.....I however am just going through my own type of fertility issue that causes me to cringe at the thought of anyone else getting pregnant.....It doesn't stop me from being genuinly happy, and I pray that my emotional state does not prevent people from sharing their joy with me....but know I have to have my moment of saddness or greif, or whatever word describes the feeling that makes me sad about it....

Okay so after my Valentines Day post, I continued to have a ugh kind of  love day.

The love part was great, Jason and I went to visit my grandmother who had just got out of the hospital...we visited with my Aunt and Uncle....and then we went to get Aaron home (he was at his Moms house), and then Ainsley to her dad. Afterwards we decided to go eat at Houlihans. It was scrumptious.....we came home, and I watched the biggest loser and Jason did a little work. It was relaxing evening....BUT I did have an emotional blow in the middle of it all....
My other Sister in Law announces on Facebook that she is pregnant....


When I read it on facebook, we were on our way from picking up Aaron, and taking him home...I was doing all I could do not to bust out in tears.
When we got Aaron home and Ainsley to her dad, Jason did what he could to reassure me....he did what he could to help me talk about it.
It's hard to explain it. And I have yet to find the right word to define it.....but the feeling that goes through my body at each announcement of someone's upcoming bundle of joy....
Then, the sweet lady I befriended at the Walgreens I go couponing at.....announces on Facebook the next day, she too is expecting.....
So that puts the number of women I know expecting up to....5. Out of those 5, only one...ONE has never had children before.
It's defeating.

So yeah, happy freakin' love day to me and my empty womb.

I was defeated....but my sweet sweet husband tried to cheer me up, and  by the end of the evening, though a little sad, I did enjoy our night together.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Step is parenting none the less

I am linking up with Kelly's Korner for her "Show us your Life Series"....this week the topic is Step Parenting.

Being a step-parent is hard. And I am going to go with it and say, if you don't have kids of your own, to step-parent is SUPER hard. I will explain this theory in a second....

I have two step children.
Aaron, is Jason's biological child, he was 6 years old when I was friends with Jason, but when we started to officially date, he was 8 years old, and at the point of us dating, Aaron didn't remember meeting me the handful of times, so it was like starting over learning me.
Alyssa is not Jason's biological child, she is Jason's ex-wife's daughter from another relationship, however before she was born, Jason felt God leading him to father this child by giving him "the little girl he always dreamt of having". He declared his love for this baby, and vowed to always be there for her and give her the life she wanted and deserved. It's a complicated situation as she is mixed race, but we don't even notice it, until we tell people she is his daughter, and they look all confused...sort of funny to watch their reactions, but we don't care.

Jason has Aaron at our house full time, he is now at the age where he decides to go to his mom's house or not (unless we are at a situation where he has to go...or if he is in trouble here at our house, he typically uses her house as an escape from punishment) but on average he is over at her house at least once or twice every two weeks.
Alyssa is at Jason's ex wife's house because technically that is not his daughter. But after school she comes to our house and we take her to church on Wednesdays and Sundays, those two days she typically spends the night with us as well.

I fell in love with my Aaron first. I fell in love with him way before I knew I was in love with Jason (my then boyfriend, my now husband). Even to this day, Aaron loves hearing how he was my favorite first.
When I met Jason, Aaron was little...a few memories I had of Aaron before I was dating Jason (we were friends for two years before we started dating) was Aaron eating bean burritos and hot sauce from Taco Bueno, and also Aaron showing me his two tiny mini turtles and me trying to convince him to let me babysit him.
Unfortunately at the time Jason and I were just friends, up through our first year together, Aaron's mother was not around, and that means neither was Alyssa, but when I finally met little miss Alyssa, I was blown away. This little (in size, she is tiny) firecracker was so mature, wise and smart for her little 4 years of age. She had spunk and sass I had never seen, she could keep up with adult conversations and read words from the Olive Garden menu like a professional Italian person. I was blown away.
After a few years of absence, Tracy, (Alyssa and Aaron's mother) came back around. She started to rebuild her broken relationship with Aaron...and I was still in the process of learning her, and the kids personalities, and quirks.
We spent most major holidays together, as a blended family, with no problem. When Jason and I got married in 2009, we had a decent and manageable relationship with Tracy. She was very friendly with me and only (sometimes) fought or had problems with Jason (Jason did and still likes to push her buttons sometimes, you know, he is one of those "push the envelope" kind of people). But in 2010, Jason and I had an opportunity to get away and have the honeymoon we never got to go on. We were going to Florida, his friend had a time share he gave us for the week and we were going to live it up. My first thought was, I am going to Dinsey....then it dawned on me, I couldn't go without taking Aaron, and then I thought, it wasn't fair to go without Alyssa, and then my next thought was, how horrible it would be to know that Tracy missed out on her kids experiencing Disney for the first long long story short, with a few more people involved we had Tracy with us on our family vacation, which seems right, because we were a family...
Now Tracy and I get along great...we team up and harass Jason, all three of us are involved with the kids decisions, discipline, health, etc...and we make sure to have our own family traditions and memories..we are the definition of blended family.

I am just "Layla" to them, and that is all I want to be. They have a mother they call "mom".....

(Funny story, poor Alyssa didn't know what to call me, and since I stay at home, I would typically be the person who would go up to the school, volunteer, etc. and when someone asked her who I was, she told them I was her "Aunt" so for a long time, before I knew that no one explained the situation, they thought I was Aunt Layla. ha ha)

BUT to say everything is always peachy keen would be giving into a fantasy that all step parents dream of. I have had my fair share of "You are not my mother". I have had complete disregard and disrespect that no one else but I have seen from both of the children. I have had to find my groove with each of them, and most times when I think I have an idea of where the groove is, I am taken for a ride just to find out I was completely wrong.....I sometimes over compensate for the lack of structure Aaron was raised with, I over compensate for what I feel is the "baby-ing" that happens way too much. I hold the kids up to a standard that sometimes Jason and I don't agree to because I am way too strict and on top of actions and behaviors that I come off as the bad person all the time...but, at the end of the day, (most days) Aaron will hug my neck when he goes to bed, and tell me he loves me. And that works.

I feel being a step parent is hard when not having kids of your own, because you have to learn to love the kids after the honeymoon phase is over. After everything you did was cool, neat, and awesome, and now everything you do is wrong, mean and horrible. You have to learn to love the kids without knowing what loving "your" child really means. There is no basis of comparison between the child/step child love....I have no other place to start than from where I am with them no matter what the age...and that's what is hard, not knowing how to love like a parent......however just because I don't know what it feels like to love a child that has come from my womb doesn't mean I don't love them with a passion. After 21 years of babysitting, I have had my fair share of falling in love with kids. And with all those experiences, I can "hand on the bible" say that I love my son and daughter with all my heart, and would lay down my life for them in a heartbeat.

Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions, concerns, or just want to connect with someone who may know where you are in the world of step parenting.....I am pretty easy going and would love to chat with you!