Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Holding me Accountable, Again

The last time I heald myself accountable for upcoming blog posts, I was actually lets try for round two....
So heres how this goes, as I write the blog, I will then put a link to that post here on it's you will only have to find this page and then go from there....

Posts to be up in the next few days include

Pre IUI Journey

Insurance Faux Pas

Minnesota or Bust

Ainsley in Cali and Her 4th Birthday!

Christmas in July

Birthday Plans.

Post #100 and 1

I blog for many reason....

I have always loved journaling...I have done it since I was a kid.

I have always loved to much so I was on the yearbook staff for three years in high school.

I have always loved to connect with people...I can work a crowd at an event and turn around and have five new bffs....

Some people feel like I share too much....
Some people who are going through the same things as I am wished I shared more.
I have gotten comments going both ways.

I have always wanted to just say what I want on here...let all the beans spill right after I type the words "Dear Diary"
but this blog isn't hid underneath my mattress, in fact can read what I write.
That idea is exciting and terrifying all at the same time.
People who love and support me will log in and read about my latest antics, funny stories, or medical issues....
People who I don't necessarily care for will read through, combing each word for arsenal against me, reading in between the lines wondering if they are who I am writing about....each vague word is taken personal and they have satisfaction thinking I think that much about them....usually not the case.

Wouldn't a completely anonymous blog be wonderful, a place where I can write and write and write not having to worry about others thinking too much or too little about it...a place where I can vent and be angry and not have to worry about oversharing.....

I guess I can do that here, and make this a private blog......but if I do that then sharing my infertility journey would be pointless.......

So for now I will keep this blog the way it is going............. infertility, random lists, and a public service announcement or two.....

This is 101 blogpost here at

I have had several on my other blog....
that was my blog for several years, after my wedding and a few unhappy incidents, I took a blogging break, and just decided to restart with this one....

**Update** 9/11/12 I just merged all my blogs together, so technically this is not number 101 anymore.

Yay, for blogging. I hope I am helping you along on your journey through life.....

On another note:

I squishy heart love my husband......and here is why..... this is facebook yesterday
And then read my pastors wife's comment.
She is such a sweet and constant person in my life. She called me after i texted her a prayer request for my sanity that Monday because I felt from the start it was a rough day in the making...and guess was...but her words just echoed through my head during the day and I knew what she said to me was true and probably the best thing anyone could have advised to me! I squishy heart love Sister Duvall as well!

Monday Listicles on a Wednesday Morning.

Monday Listicles on a Wednesday Morning.

I will learn how to better manage my time to where I can get these things out on the day the blog writter intended....but for now, my turtley pace must due...
This week List would be something near and dear to my worries right now.....but next weeks is even more specific to me, ha ha stay tuned to that...

Monday July 23,2012 Listicle is....

  1. I am a year older, and as of right now, I am physically childless, so I automatically go to the thought process "IF I have a kid at 35, when he or she is 35, I will be 70.....thats old!" basically start compairing my age to the age of my ficticous kids...
  2. I can never remember anything I "want" for my birthday, but this year I think I have resolved this issue by putting a pinterest board together....lets see if it works.
  3. Being disappointed by who remembers and who doesn't
  4. The happy birthday wishes on facebook from people who never talk to you otherwise (I am guilty of this)
  5. Feeling let down when the people I love don't try to make it special for me, no matter how special I try to make theirs..
  6. Life still goes on even if it means you have to pay bills, get tickets, etc on your day.
  7. when it rains on your birthday, growing up my mom and grandma have always said, if it rains on your birthday you have to share your gifts with everyone....yuck!
  8. Chocolate cake. I do not like store bought chocolate sheet cake. gross! and marble cake makes me mad, ... for some reason I feel like the chocolate dries out bad.
  9. The older you get the more of being a grown up you have to to wish I was 18 years old, and know the things I know now, the difference I would have made for my would have been a super priority, saving money, just better choices all together.
  10. last but not least, the reason birthdays are no good is because no matter how hard I want to stay young, each August 13th I get that much closer to grey hairs...............I don't have any yet, not that I know of, but they are coming...and with the stresses in my life right now, they are just right around the corner.
next week, 10 sounds that drive me bonkers!

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Lists Lists Lists

I was reading a blog today and saw she participates in "Monday Listacles" basically a day where they have a topic, and we make a top ten list about it and link up, uh can we say Right. Up. My. Alley!?!?!
Well it is.

So I am gracing you with yet another link up for Monday, and I may or may not love that it is a list.

Today's topic... "Thanks"

1. Thanks to Decorators Warehouse for being open 365 days a gives me a smile in my jinggle bell soul to know on the hottest day of the year I can be magically transported to a fun and emotionally pleasing time....yay for Christmas!
2. Thanks to God for giving me a rainbow, the biblical symbol of God's peace and fresh start.....this was the view from my front door.

3. Thanks to the people who finally got my car fixed and now it is back has only been 3 months, my dad is glad to have his car back and we are glad to not have to fold ourselves up to get into our car anymore
4. Thanks to my cousin who is the only person who has donated to my online baby fund. (this is serious, not sarcastic...)
5. Thanks to a couple in our college and career group, who are so cute that when one was away on a mission trip the other would come over so he could skype using our webcam....they were cute and reminded me what it feels like to love someone so sweetly.
6. Thanks to friends writting random notes for you to find......'tis so sweet!

7. Thanks to the hours and hours and hours of time I have spent on pinterest I now feel inadequate and untalented...but I still go and stare and stare and search and search.
8. Thanks to reading blogs.....I feel the same way as number 7, but I am still hooked.
9. Thanks to everyone who read this blog, but I wish more of you would comment...I am still trying to find that online friend who is going through similar things I am with the infertility, but no one is speaking up......hello, I don't bite, hard.....
10. Thanks to my husband who loves me despite the emotional rollarcoaster I have been on this last few weeks. And who bought me $45 worth of crab this weekend even though we probably shouldn't was soooo tasty!

Miscellany Monday - Random Random Random.

  • Let me preface this with :Jason and I are not fighting! Not in the slightest! but....after the last 3 days of having an involuntary money hiccup because of his job going through a merger, and not paying him when they were supposed to.....I have felt the stress that could lead to fighting about money....I could never before today what would drive couples to fight so much about money.....ack! STRESSED OUT! ha.
  • Packing for my trip to Minnesota has been procrastinated too long.....the washer doesn't go fast enough! ha.
  • I am going to my sweet friends Minnesota...
  • I have three things to do when I am in Minnesota.....go to Wisconsin and eat cheese curds, go to the mall of America, and find some Amish people...
  • I wasn't interested in Amish when I lived in Illinois, but now after watching so many shows about them, I want to go and give them all hugs!
  • Let's see how many times I can say Amish and Minnesota in one post.
  • Good thing this is a blog post all about random stuff.
  • I need to return library books tomorrow so I don't get late fees while I am in Minnesota, please, if you have my number, shoot me a text and remind me.
  • I am trying to decide what to do on the money front.....I want to go to work, I am not sure I want to babysit, I know I need money, but I need something that will be flexible with my infertility appointments, and somewhere that they know I may not come back once I get pregnant. ugh, I am so needy. ha.
  • I had to cancel my fill in my lapband today because of the aforementioned money hiccup. makes me sad. I needed it today.
  • I have found that I make to do lists for thing I need to make a list about. what does that say about me?
  • I haven't caught onto the instagram bandwagon enough to really understand it, its purpose other than doing quick edits to the color of my pictures.
  • I heart pinterest.
  • When I go to Minnesota, I will be there by myself all day Wednesday and part of the day Thursday. Then Jason drives up. Fun stuff.
  • I am excited to plan a babyshower for a girl at church who does nothing but crave sweet cereal....I pinterest ideas, and my mind is flowing! Fun times!
  • I want someone to teach me how to be OCD. Maybe that will help me clean faster, better, and with a better attitude.
  • speaking of OCD. I read one of those ecards floating around on facebook, and it said "I am going to hold OCD support meetings at my home, not because I have it, but maybe it will drive one of them crazy enough to clean my house.
  • I have told people that I do not need a birthday present but if they want to get me something, then donating the amount they were going to spend on a gift to my babyfund would be super helpful.
  • I go in today for my baseline sonogram. here we go again.
  • I think we got jipped, because when I was a kid, I was pretty sure that I thought that 2012 would have flying cars and hover boards, *shakes fists at the back to the future trilogy*
Thanks for sticking with this randomosity of a post!

For the record:
Minnesota (including this one): 7
Amish (including this one): 4

Thursday, July 12, 2012

The Latest on the Baby Front - Actual RE appt.

So can I say this from the start.......
Having a second opinion, will probably lead to a third, then possibly a fourth so on and so on. I have learned going to the appointment that no one doctor has similar opinions, and trying to decide the who's and what's and why's of this infertility thing may just take me having to get my own medical degree and treating us myself. ha.

With that said, I literally busted into tears sitting right there talking to the doctor on Tuesday.

I was, or I guess technically, still am SOOOO confused (more so at the two completely separate answers - not necessarily to the info given) and almost at the point of frustration at the same time excited and ready to get this party's that for some mixed emotions.

So here goes the appointment review:
Hold on to your hats folks, we are about to take a rollarcoaster ride...
So this doctor, we had seen January 2011 back when we were recommended by a friend at the time to see a specialist to get a move on our baby having.
At the time (2011) Dr. Le - a Reproductive Endocrinology (RE) said that I am still young, and since Jason had a kid before, everything should work out for us, and if not, then we should consult my doctor, then proceed from there.
Cue July 2012.
We show up to the appointment I scheduled at the recomendation of Jason's urologist.
He welcomes us.
We explain, I had three rounds of Clomid cycles (round 1, round 2, round 3)with no pregnancy, and Jason was diagnosed with male factor infertility as a result of varicoses.
We also explain that the urologist says we need to look into having IVF - ICSI as that will be the only way for us to have children until Jason can lose 100 pounds and have the surgery to repair his veins.

Off the bat Dr. Le, says the that surgery suggested is unsuccessful at correcting male infertility issues and that he has only dealt two cases of men who had this surgery and it resulted in any kind of difference in their sperm shape.

 WHHHHHHHHHHHHHAT? That's not what the urologist said......who do I believe? AHHHHHH.

Then looking at the sperm analysis (SA), Dr. Le said these three things 1)he questions the integrity of the results because it wasn't done at his lab and 2) says that egg penetration by the sperm have nothing to do with the shape of the little swimmers (not his terminology) but has everything to do with motility (how fast) and quantity. 3) for Jason to stay on the two meds the urologist has him on because they are improving his count and motility, even if it is just a little bit, an improvement is an improvement.

WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT? This whole time we are stressed about their shape.
Why is this?

Dr. Le explained that the shape has nothing to do with it because, if more of the little guys can make it through and into the uterus, then there will be more at the egg trying to get in, the more there are trying to get in, the more the egg wall is compromised and so there will be success in getting in. The problem is knowing the quality of the sperm getting in.....if it is bad dna, then the pregnancy would not be viable....good dna then things proceed......
I. WAS. SO. CONFUSED. (i am pretty sure this was about the point the doctor handed me the box of tissues and I felt like my head was spinning so little to compare it to from the urologist)

But Jason and I agreed, that what Dr. Le said made sense. He has had lots of experience on both the male and female side of reproduction, and we have physically seen his we will go with it.

so with this there is good news and bad news.....

Good News
  • because shape has nothing to do with it, (cue tina turner in my head "whats shape got to do got to do with it.....) IUI should be the first thing to try.
  • My insurance covers IUI
  • IUI is quicker, less painful, and much much cheaper.
  • I get to start this process as soon as I have my next period (which should be any day now)
  • This clinic has super cheap rates for iui and ivf.
Bad News
  • Jason's surgery may not correct the shape, so therefore having kids naturally in the future may not be possible. ever. (minus that is a miracle from God....and we all must believe in those.)
  • With IUI we have "natural" chances to conceive....and with every attempt naturally you only have a 15% chance of creating a baby!
  • Once IUI has been tried and is unsuccessful, we are urged to go ahead with IVF - PICSI (the one with the p because if low quality sperm they want to make sure these attempts have a better success rate with a good dna cluster).
  • IVF will still cost thousands and thousands of dollars.....can we say fundraisers! can I get an amen?
  • on top of all the meds we may have to be taking, I now get to research suppliements aka : Male Prenatal vitamins....yay. not.
In review:
IUI is when they clean up Jason's sample, get the strongest of the swimmers and insert them into me on the optimal day, and let them do their jobs....naturally from that point. The procedure for me is similar to the past clomid regimen I was on....a little invasive, but nothing intolerable.
IVF is when they harvest many eggs from me (as many as  my body will produce at one time could be two could be twenty) then the best of the best is taken from Jason's sample they are both directly put into a petri dish, and they do their job to meet up with each other. Then once they are fertilized, and monitored, two of the best developed embryos are then placed into my uterus on the appropriate day of my cycle (the day my body would have naturally had the eggs in the uterus) and then my body will accept or deny them. With this procedure, once the eggs are fertilized, there is at least a 65% success rate, with at least 50% of the successes are twins.
IVF - ICSI same as the regular IVF EXCEPT for instead of putting everyone in the petri dish, the lab will physically insert a sperm (remember, the best of the best) into the eggs.....the watching, and waiting and inserting into the uterus is still the same.
IVF - PICSI is the new one (there is a few hand drawn diagrams at the bottom of this post that was the doctors explanation.) same things as IVF-ICSI except before the egg and sperm are joined, the sperm go through a very rigorous test to make sure the dna quality will produce a viable embryo.
 As the doctor explained everything, he doodled on paper. I can appreciate a good doodle! These doodles didn't mean much to you because you didn't hear the words that he was saying as I photoshoped a few notes along with his original drawings.

IVF - PICSI explained.

stay tuned......for updates, hopefully sooner rather than later!