Sunday, December 30, 2007

A few things on December

Christmas has come and gone, and the new year is fast approaching...I didn't blog once this December, but I thought about doing it constantly.

Here is a few thing that happened this December....

1) Julie and her family moved out of the apartment, leaving Jason, Aaron and me to have our own little place.

2) Because of Julie moving, I was able to get all of my belongings out of storage!! woot woot, It was fun to see things that have been packed away for almost 23 months. YAY!

3) I had and lost another job, at a moving is what it is....

4) Decided to start selling things on EBay, as well as on info on that to come..

I am sure there are more things done in December....but as it has already taken me 2 hours to type this blog, due to getting dinner ready, cleaning, and such....I am at a loss for more information.

I will be back on tonight or tomorrow to put up new years resolutions and more info on etsy and ebay.....but I have to get the kitchen cleaned up, pack a to go plate for Jason's dad, and get ready to go to the movies with Veida....Kite Runner here I come......

Friday, November 23, 2007

Another one done.

This year during Thanksgiving, I cooked my first turkey.....I made a whole meal for our little family get together, it was Jason, Aaron, Hershal, Tracy and Alyssa. The turkey was moist and basically falling off the bones, I am not sure if that is a good thing, but I thought it made for easier carving.
After we ate, we went to Veida's house for more food. My mom, her boyfriend, my grandma, sisters and Jason and Aaron were all there. The coolest thing ever is when it started snowing. Now being 80 degrees yesterday, the snow didn't stand a chance when it hit the ground...but none the less, it was pretty dang cool.
Today is the annual parade of lights downtown fort worth. Woo hoo...normally I would be excited, however I am not looking forward to the cold and craziness.
All the while, I haven't taken a single picture this year, because I let Jason's sister Julie take the camera with her to show her mom a few pictures of their new house. I think Veida is going to be irritated that I don't have her camera.

Yesterday, Jason did the sweetest thing....while getting gas, he knew that I was sort of stressed out because we were running late to Veida's house, and he was just trying to be sweet....he bought me a single red rose and he and aaron gave it to me in the car. That was one of the first "just because" flowers he has ever given me.

Well, thats all I have right this second, I do have more to share, just I am not in a comfy position with this lap top and i have to go clean some more, so I will talk to you later.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Frustration and anger quickly set in as her true feelings are overlooked and his are right, regardless of the situation.
No matter where she turns her hurt overwhelms her heart. She hurts for many reasons, but maybe the heaviest is for all the sacrifices she makes for the love she harbors.
Those acts are felt to have been made in vain. She can't help but wonder if everything she has done is with selfish intentions. Were they done to help stimulate a reciprocal love?
If so, her plan is unraveling right before her eyes.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Questions borrowed from another blog

1.Three biggest fears?
(besides anything bad happening to a family member/child)
a. Not knowing who I was if I was knocked out or had amnesia.
b. Dying and no one coming to my funeral.
Never getting financially stable

2. When was the last time you danced?
other than at a stoplight in the car...I would have to say Jennie's birthday party in July.

3. Do you creep on stranger's blogs?
Um, yes a lot, how else am I supposed to be inspired, or kept up on the latest drama?

4. If you could go back to be any age for a day, what age would you be and why?
 I would have to say 16, that way I could make better choices....and I probably would have talked to my aunt and uncle more to learn how to balance a check book and save money.

5. Are you a good liar?
I could say no, but then the answer would be yes, because who knows if no was a lie or not....confused yet?

6. Do you judge someone when you can tell they've had elective cosmetic surgery?
Depends on why they had it...and if they looked freakish or not.

7. If you have children, what's one thing that you always told yourself you'd never do when you had kids?
I told myself that as a mom I would not sleep in while the kids were awake in the morning, but I have long sense changed my mind, so long as the kid is self reliant.

8. What's something that totally grosses you out?
Other peoples pimples and the idea of me popping them *PUKE

9. Do you ever delete forwards without reading them?
 yes just about all the time, unless they grab my attention.

10. Do you ever lie to get out of obligations?
I have before, and it depends on the obligation.

11. Consider your body weight and your yearly income at their present states. Would you rather be 200 pounds heavier and $200,000 richer or stay at your present states?
200 more pounds??? no that would make me over 500 and that is TLC "Layla the Whale" special....kinda big. No thanks!

12. When was the last time you bought a pair of shoes and what were they?
We almost bought baby booties for Lindsey tonight, but I would have to say that the last pair of shoes was for Jason, and they were cool brown tennis shoes...I need more shoes!

13. The Olympics. Take them or leave them?
Leave everything except for volleyball.

14. What's your favorite accent?
 I would have to say anything Western Europe.

15. What's your favorite scent?
Scent as in perfume?, well for guys it is Aqua Di Gio YUMMO! and for girls, well, anything with it.

16. Gum or breath mints?

17. If you could look like any celebrity, who would it be?
 I was once told by a 3 year old I looked like Rosie O'Donnel, pre full blown lesbian.....I would want to look like someone cute, possibly Jennifer Garner.

18. If you had the chance of looking like said celebrity in exchange for your thumbs would you do it? nah

19. Do you religiously wear sun screen?
No, I should though.

20. Do you generally trust people/their motives or doubt people/their motives?
That is my downfall sometimes, too trusting.

21. Would you describe yourself as a complicated person or is what you see what you get?
Well, depends on the situation, I guess this answer in itself explains I am complicated. lol

22. Do you watch what you eat?
 Yeah, I watch it go into my

23. Do you watch what other people eat?
 I do because I hate when people smack or chew with their mouth open.

24. Do you judge how other people raise their kids?

25. Do you judge people who dress poorly?
Well kinda, if they are too extreme in their dress I do make comments

26. Do you judge people who are homely?
Judge no, point and laugh, yes, lol, jk

27. Do you judge people who are overweight?
I judge myself daily.

28. Your interest in politics: High, Medium-High, Medium, Medium-Low, Low, Obsolete?
Low. I don't vote enough to have a higher interest level.

29. Favorite song of all time? Ready for Love by India Arie

30. Acoustic or electric?

31. If you were a hermit, would you shave?
 no, and i rarely do

32. If you could shave your head without your significant other throwing a complete hissy, would you?
on a bad hair day possibly.

33. What was your least favorite age?
4-11 during bits and pieces.

34. How many times a day do you check your email?
at least twice or three times.

35. Are you in a tiff with anyone right now?
 Well, I am generally always in a tiff with myself.

A little on the late side.


I have been having a bad few weeks, the thoughts and feelings expressed in the blog should be taken with that in mind. It isn't always bad, but it is easier to vent about the bad things than remember to mention the good!


Life has always been a roller coaster...that is an inevitable fact. But, why doesn't my roller coaster have any peaks anymore? UGH. I am tired of feeling like crap. I am tired of feeling like the bad guy....I am tired of it.

I never catch a break.

Jason has been acting like a total jerk to me lately. He doesn't like how I don't clean and wash, he is mad about my job situation, he doesn't like how I "deal" with his dad or son. Why is he with me if I am such a horrible person? Am I just his convience? Am I his go to girl...his semi (because he says I don't do it) maid, his cook, his taxi, his nanny.....and someone he can get physical with when it is convenient and when he is in the mood for it. I don't like not feeling special. and I don't feel anywhere near special with him right now. Seriously the past few days, the only time he talks sweet to me is when I bring him food. After that he is short snippy and typically jerky.
He wants me to be sweet and fun all the time. I would love to be that. BUT I CANT BE. I am the one who has to follow through with Aaron, he doesn't. Obviously what he had going on with his son didn't work. And what I did....does. Not that everything I do is right, but I am making Aaron accountable for his actions, and not giving him a way out. Jason's answer to anything is a threat of an butt whooping, or a trip to his moms. Me, I follow through with what I say is going to be the punishment. I make sure things are done as they are supposed to be...I do it. Not Jason. I am the one who talks to the teacher, I am the one who looks over, or makes sure Jason looks over the homework, I am the one who check to see if Aaron gets stamped or signed (good day or bad day) in his planner..I am the one who punishes him when he gets in trouble. I am the one who quizzes him on his spelling, I am the one who makes sure he has clean clothes to wear, I am the one who makes sure that the dog is taken care of, I am the one who attempts to clean up after them both, I am the one who makes sure there is some kind of dinner to be eaten, I am the one who most of the time has to make sure a bath is taken and hair washed, I am the one who arranges play dates and sleepovers, for the past two years I am the one who organized and executed his birthday parties, I am the one with the teachers and friends email and phone numbers.......but I am the one who gets the guilty comments about not having the job, I am the one who has a broken car and is stranded unless I am the taxi service, I am the one who is responsible in getting the broken car fixed....

I am at my wits end. I just want to sit and cry.

He hasn't kissed me in three days.

No cuddles for me in three days, and last week, it was no cuddles in almost two weeks.

I punish Aaron for not listening, he overrides. Makes me looks dumb. BUT how many times do I have to say that you need to have shoes on your feet when you go outside, especially in the HOOD where crack heads leave needles, used condoms, broken glass and who knows what else laying around....I am an adult I can look after myself, but Aaron, he can't pay attention to his own two feet, I don't trust him with the outside world...I make Aaron do a book hold, and because Jason wants to sleep, Aaron gets out of doing it. Book holds are two minutes wtih a book straight out in front of you, while you have to stand straight and deal with the muscle pain. UGH.

Tomorrow my phone will probably be shut off for a long while. I have no money, Jason has no money, Jason's dad (who has a cell phone account with me because he needed a phone and Jason volunteered me), has no money.....I am starting to babysit again next week, so hopefully it will be back on soon, but until then the best way to get ahold of me is through email.
My phone is a priority sure, but also my storage payment is due. And that is my first concern. I don't want to lapse too much in the storage, because I don't want all of my stuff to go to auction. I would be heartbroken if that happened. If for some nightmare of a reason that happened to me, you would probably have to commit me to a lunny bin.
I used to have my stuff together. I used to live on my own, paid my bills in a timely fashion, feel secure about my state in life. I held reputable jobs, and had moderate goals. Now, I feel like I am living day to day as our life is paycheck to paycheck, and we are still living in a two bedroom apartment with 7 people. Jason wants me to clean the room better, but most of it is crap piled on crap because we have no where to put stuff. Julie has the whole apartment to spread her stuff in, for three people we have a 12x12 room with a closet who's doors are jacked up, a huge king sized bed with a huge plasma screen and a huge desk, small dresser drawers and a medium sized dog cage. TONS of computer crap shoved under the bed, millions of school books and assignments he refused to toss, and unwashed clothes in plastic bins that also are used for table tops at the end of the bed.

I used to have the freedom of a car, to get to go and do what I want. But now, since we are depending on Jason's truck, I no longer have the ability to come and go, I have to work it out with everyone's schedule. During the day Hershal has the truck to buy and sell car parts, in between taking jason to and from Mckinney and Lewisville (depending on the day), How am I expected to find and keep a job if I have no sure way of getting there? I can't depend on other people. Jasons dad has no care or concept of others people schedule. He made me late for my cousins wedding because he wanted to do what he wanted to do. It makes Jason mad when I am not super friendly and cheery with his dad (and ex wife, but that's another issue all together - covered in a previous blog) I work with him, to no avail. But Jason doesn't see it. He just hears his dad gripe about me and me gripe about him. But when I am grippey I am in the wrong. Past few days, Jason says it is hard dealing with his dad, and so now he is in the right, but if I have a hard time dealing with him, I am wrong. How is that fair? I don't get to go to my aunt and uncles house like I used to, I don't get to go job hunting like I need or want to, I don't get to....all because my car is not here. And I bet as soon as it is fixed, Jason will take it to work, and I will still have to "work it out" with his dad. I don't want to. I want to have my freedom back. If I need something from the store, I don't want to ask Julie, or figure out where Hershal is, I don't want to walk down to the little store where the Chinese man stares at your everymove to make sure you are not the person who steals from him. I don't want to send Aaron to the store.....I want to get in my car and go. I don't want to have to worry about not having a car to go babysit, or work, or socialize.....I WANT MY CAR! Not to mention my job searching is limited the Arlington area to which we live, because I have to be convenient for everyone. Jason can work in Timbuktu, but that is for the best of everyone. I don't care where he works, just lets get my car working so he doesn't have to care where i work.

I am having a Partylite party tomorrow at my aunts house, and I didn't know how I was going to get there, not to mention that I was going to be making my gourmet caramel apples to take, but there is no money to do it. So, I lied to everyone about that. I was going to have to work with hershal to get me there, but now I am going with Julie, but I have to rush now, because she already had a baby shower to attend later in the afternoon, but now, since she is taking me, I am being nice (which I am rarely anymore) and helping her with the gift, games and food for the party.
Julie and I had a date tonight, we went shopping at walmart, and then went to Texas Roadhouse and had dinner. She was the guy tonight, because she paid. lol. We had fun, sitting there talking about how crappy our boyfriends treat us, and how they don't take the time to sit back and see how they are acting, they just blame us. It is good to know that I am not the only person having boy issues, and they don't even realized there is a problem.
Only if Jason could see, that I am still sweet and thoughtful, I am still me, but I am bogged down with his life more than I get to experience mine. If I wasn't sweet, I wouldn't pick him up from work, I wouldn't cook, I wouldn't worry about Aaron's school, or his social well being, I wouldn't be here. I would have said "forget you" a long time ago.
I love Jason. And he can't love me back. I have loved Jason for a long time. He has denied my love. Jason is probably my best friend. And he says I am his, but he doesn't show me. I was talking ot another friend and she has repeatedly told me to leave him. It isn't that easy. I know that I should be treated like a princess, and I know someone should adore me...and his quirky ways, he does do those things, but it isn't consistent, and all the other players in our storybook romance makes it less storybook and more horror. I am not blaming everyone else for Jason's behavior, and I am not saying I am not guilty, but what I am saying is that everyone around us and his concentration to work and television absorbs so much of Jason's emotion and time that he is spent, and puts me off for another chapter. *sigh*

He makes me laugh, he makes me smile, he makes sure that I have things around me that I enjoy doing, when he does hold me, I feel like I am the only person who matters, I wish it was like this more often.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Feeling it.

So today I leave for Nacogdoches. Shayda is now in High School and it is her first dress up Homecoming Dance. Veida and I are going to be there like doting mommies with cameras and making sure every hair on her head is where it is supposed to be. Also we believe our presence is necessary to make sure her boyfriend/date knows we mean business.
Shayda makes me feel old. She likes to remind me that in a few short years I will be 30. I remember being a 12 year old trying to imagine what life was going to be like when I was 27, Veida was 23 and Shayda that time is here, I wanna turn back and be 12 again. Not possible I know. *sigh*
Anyways, I have to finish packing. so I will reblog later this weekend. And post pictures of my princess Shayda.

Ta-ta for now.

Sunday, October 7, 2007


I was at Taco Cabana, and got bored, and took these pictures of myself while I was waiting in the drive thru....I am sure the cars behind me were wondering what the heck I was doing...but after a night of making caramel candy apples I was a bit loopy anyways, that mixed with boredom....ta-da.

It is Sunday night, this is typically when I take a moment to update this thing. I am still trying to figure out how to add pictures to my blog decorations, but I will get it....
The kids do not have school Aaron isn't in bed yet. He is a bit on the hyper side. I do believe it is because of the cokes he has had today, but Jason doesn't agree....Julie and Dray went out, so Jason is watching the girls....which really means, I am watching them. I already bathed them, and they are ready for bed, I am letting them get some of their energy out so they sleep in a bit tomorrow. I do believe Alyssa is coming tomorrow, which means I will try to figure out how not to get an attituede about it. I think Jason is working from home tomorrow too, so he can deal with her drama. I am going to find other things to do.
I also have a job interview at 12:30 in Euless, it is a part time job, and the money isn't anything to talk about, but it is a job, and it is part time, which gives me time to help Aaron with his homework (He is in need of a lot of help!). I am not really expecting to get the job, because it is with a Debt Solution agency, and if they run credit history checks, I am screwed. It is funny that I am interviewing with this kind of agency because Jason and I were talking about cleaning up credit and getting things straightened out like that. I think he is looking to buy a house in the next year or so.....I don't really know what he has on his mind as far as that goes.
I spent the afternoon with my grandmother, and Aunt. I found out that on November 10th, my family is going to participate in habitat for beans huh. My grandmother wanted to go through some pictures she had from years ago, her goal was to find some pictures of my uncle in his miltary uniform, and since my uncle past away a year and a half ago, she hasn't had the courage to look at his pictures. It was hard for her, but she ended up laughing at the memories rather than crying because she was missing his presence.
My father has been in Alaska these past few days. His girlfriend from Nacogdoches had moved there because of health reasons...and since my dad has flight benefits from Veida's job, he has been state hopping. He is seriously considering moving up there, and or asking Karen to marry him. CRAZY!
Shayda's first homecoming dance is this weekend, I am thinking I am going down there with Veida and George to help her get ready for the dance...I am not sure though, it depends on what is going on that weekend with Jason, and if I have the cash available to go.
I am going to be starting my "Christmas List" and putting the links to it on my blog's home page. Lots of things I wanna do, learn to do, and pretend to know how to do! lol.
Okay, I think I am digging for things to type about now. Not that I don't like blabbering, I am just starting a to do list in my head as I write and now am anxious to get to the list.
Later gaters!

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Almost October.

Last week I don't think I accomplished all I set out to do on that Sunday....I remember being crabby and going to sleep for a little bit. is what I did....

Woke up
Got dressed
Checked Email and Myspace
Picked up Jennie
Went to Costco
Came home
Put away Costco stuff
Made dinner
Vacuumed livingroom
Ate dinner
Vacuumed Bedroom
Vacuumed Hallway
Straightened up the bathroom
Lit Candles to make the dog smell go away
Talked to Shayda
Writing Blog

And I still have a few things on my agenda tonight. Possibly, scrapbooking, research Do Re Mi, research party lite, plan my week (I have a bridal shower and wedding to go to, Jennie wants me to make her Shepard's Pie, and I have to find a job.), blah blah.

Ok so I suck at spelling, so I figured that I misspelled Vacuumed, I just did Spellcheck, and it is right....woohoo go me!

I have started collecting the Coke rewards points... if you go to you can see all the fun things you can get. I want to take Aaron to Six Flags this Halloween time for Freight Fest, I went when I was his age and got to go through all the haunted houses. Aaron is fun during Halloween, he is so into it....Anyways, I collected enough points to get him a all I have to do is get Jason and I a ticket, and we are set! If you have coke, diet coke, lemonade, pink lemonad, nestea, desani water, ok anything cocacola based, save the number/letter code from the lid, or the package for me! I will log them on! i think this lasts until the end of the year!

Veida and I made another batch of Caramel Apples on Friday. They came out 100 times better than the last set. We are thinking about selling them during the holiday season along with other chocolate dipped things....and so we are trying to figure out a cutsie name for our future home based company....she suggested "Toodle-loo" I am not too sure about it...I wanted something more elegant and modern...."Sweet Stuff" crossed my mind....but again....not classy enough...Any suggestions?

I am looking to have a Party Lite party, and if I earn $350 in sales, I can have my own starter set of stuff for free...I tried selling Avon and MaryKay.....but none of it worked out, and I think it is because I don't use all the stuff, so I can stand behind the product...but seriously, who doesn't love candles? And speaking of selling, there is a company called Do Re Mi, they sell busy body kids books, you know the ones you can do activities, or listen to music and read, so I think the word I am looking for is interactive, lol.....Megan had a party almost two years ago, and I went even though I didnt have kids of my own....and I loved the stuff....and with my kid background, I considered getting some so when I babysit, I can bring my own stuff instead of making a mess with the kids toys, lol...I don't know, I am researching that as well....Maybe if I am successful at all this I can not get a day job, and just sell sell sell. ha ha ha.

Anyways, I am done rambling....have a great day. Or Night......Just be GREAT!

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Sunday Sunday

Things have been a bit better these past few days. After my last blog, Jason and I had a huge long discussion, a bit shakey at times.....but both sides got their frustrations and issues off their chest, and out in the open. Always a good start.

Today has been a bit of a lazy day, sleeping in....playing the gameboy....blah blah.

OH....last night......yeah well, I made my very first Chinese dinner. We had orange chicken (homemade by me and Jason helped at the end) Fried Rice and egg rolls, the only thing that I didn't make from scratch was the egg rolls. It was super yummy! And for lunch today, I reheated the rice, then sauteed the reserved chicken breast in soy sauce, then combined. Jason said it was yummier today than last night.

Here are a few things I want to get accomplished today.....I will post again tonight to see my progress.

1) Read a few chapters in The Kite Runner
2) Make a few scrapbook pages
3) Vacuum the bedroom
4) Go through Aaron's backpack for papers and such.

Thats a relatively easy list......right?

Okay till later! Have a great day.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Why I Get Upset - and it is not jealousy.

You give her details regarding our money situation, issues, plans etc that have nothing to do with her. This gives her permission to pry into our relationship.

You can't find a place in your heart for me because of issues you have regarding things that happened with her-but you still hold on to her and expect me to treat her like a friend. She is the reason you refuse to love deep enough to want more.

You seek her approval all the time.

You allow her to walk into the house as if she lives here still. I won't walk right into her house, that isn't respectful.

You made a comment once that she wasn't 100% responsible for the divorce and there were things you needed to work on - she states reasons she had issues with you- You still act that way.

When she comes around you act as if you have to prove yourself. You become arrogant and somewhat mean. Especially if I am defiant to something you seem to deliberately confront me in front of her as if you have to show that you have the control.

You care more about continuing with her than cultivating a strong relationship with me. (ex. Aaron's birthday I was in the kitchen and had been almost all afternoon, I was calling your name to ask about your dinner, no answer. I called your name again, this time Jasmine who was on the stairs right next to you, told me m that you were talking, I look up and you kept asking T "whats wrong". I go ahead to let you talk to her, and I make your plate, I bring it to you, you refuse it.) Not to mention that day I worked my ass off to make sure your son has a great birthday, I am pretty sure all T did was buy him a cake and give him 40 bucks for his party (I organized) a few days later.

You now have stopped asking me and have gone straight to asking Julie about watching A - Do you understand that I end up with her alot because as brother and sister, her and Aaron become a packaged deal? Not to mention Julie is tired being used as free daycare.

You are quick to defend her when I talk about A's skin. And I don't care about the argument. There is help for her other than a doctor at a community clinic and after seven years it should have been found. Stop buying hairpeices, new cars and fancy gadgets and invest the money in help. What the happened to the thousands of dollars. Your defense is allowing or should I say enabling her to continue the lifestyle enjoying the attention and continuing with the basic neglect.

Just like I can't take or make you and T take Aaron to the doctor about his stomach, you can't take or make T take A to the the doctor, she has to do it.

You let A hang alll over you most of the time - but I try to hug or kiss you and you physically push me away.

I can count on my hands and feet how many times you said I love you to me, and you tell Alyssa all the time.

By allowing A to call you daddy it is setting her up for more heart break. When T disappears again not only will Aaron have a loss, but A will lose too. And we know how T will turn it around and make you the bad guy. It will hurt A to think another man h as hurt her. Also she will look at all older men as father figures which will cause her to seek for that kind of affection, she will be taken advantage of and or will be promiscuous (i.e. Jennie)

When we first started dating you never had an interest in Aaron's school work. I made you go to your first open house, I made you more accountable for his homework, but now T has been around, you play superdad about it. Not to mention you question lecture and criticize me on my methods that brought your son from barely passing to A B honor roll.

T calls and says there is an emergency you drop everything and disappear. I can't get your attention long enough to get ideas of what you want for dinner, I might elevate everything to emergency status, maybe it will help.

Any confrontation we have you always say "you knew what you were getting into with me from the start" In the beginning it was you Aaron Devry and McDonalds. Everything new is just that NEW I have to get used to it just as much as you.

Why does it take drama for her to get the proper help for A. If it doesn't affect her she does the minimum to help A. The minute A gets kicked out of school all hell breaks lose and it is time for proper action.

You can't expect me to know how to deal with a divorcee and his screwed up baggage. I can't grin and bear it all the time, especially when you put me in an involuntary position on the those moments, expect a sour face or frustrated sigh. I don't volunteer you to go to dinner with Ivan or as you to help Billy with his computer or call Spencer and make you watch his some appreciation and heads up is a nice way to help me the bitter pill of helping a woman I can't help but despise.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

This is why.

Do you really want to know why I cry? I don't expect you to understand me when you read my thoughts, just know there is some logic behind the emotion. And all I can ask is that you don't try to stop the tears, you just identify the things in you that cause this, and own the mistakes. I know it is impossible for you to tell me sorry, because you tell me all the time I knew what I was getting into when i started...well you did too, and relationships are a two way street, work together to be happy together...and just know, that actions speak louder than words.

Why I cry.

I cry because you can tell me all day long what you find attractive in other people, but I can count on my hands how many times you have told me sweet things about how attractive I am. Maybe I am not so much, but you did say once, "why would you be with someone ugly"....It takes more that qualifier to make let me know you think I am at least cute....never said I have to be beautiful....I would settle for cute.

I cry because you talk still to girls online who for valentines day send you a half naked picture...and you respond with obvious hints on remembering her other inappropriate times. When I didn't even get a valentines day gift let alone a card.

I cry because you can be a self absorbed tv and computer zombie but can drop everything for your exwife and her daughter at any given time.

I cry because you can tell everyone you love them, but you have said it to me a handful of times in the past 20 months.

I cry because as infantile as this sounds, i wanted to be a special princess for my birthday. Understandably you were sick...but even now a month later, I still have yet to get an actual gift, let alone a card with even the slightest note of appreciation for me.

I cry because I feel like I am not contributing enough.

I cry because I am fatter and fatter and don't have the "umph" to get up and do something about it.

I cry because my car is still not fixed.

I cry because most of the time when your ex is around you talk to me like I am an object and then get mad at me when I snap back.

I cry because I know that I may never live up to what you expect a girlfriend to be.

But most of all, I cry because I am a girl, and when I get to cry it is my release to let all the selfish feelings that I hold in my heart out.

That is why I cry.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Where were you?

Today has been on odd day for me. A bit nostolgic, of course, but my emotions have been running on high and empty at the same time. This might not make sense to you, but to me it's the only way to describe it.
Today bares the familiar question "Where were you the day the towers went down?" Well, this time 6 years ago, I was living in Quincy, Illinois as a nanny. I had just turned 21 years old, I had experienced a great summer in a new place. I had lost about 10 pounds. I had just made a new friend, and was enjoying life.
That morning I woke up, instead of turning on Dora The Explorer, I was going to watch the Today show while folding laundry....thats when I saw it, the first tower in flames, I was trying to process what was happening, and as the story unfolded my mind went spinning... they kept referencing the "Dulles" airport, but I was hearing "Dallas". I had an uncle who traveled for work alll the time. I started panicing, and called anyone and everyone who would know where he was. Luckily he wasn't traveling that day. But panic did stiffle my day because as soon as I calmed down about my uncle, I like the rest of the country sat in front of the television staring, processing, greiving, and even crying. We ordered pizza for dinner, and at 6pm I went to my Sign Language class, just to be sent home for the lack of thought on anything but what happened that day. Life almost stood still.
For days and weeks to come, I kept an ear out on the happenings....I am in a struggle between both lives, of a middle eastern American, and a "white" American. My father is from Iran. And even though they have discovered that the Iranians were not involved in this catastrophe, they are still subjected to the racism and "stigma" of terrorism because of their language, culture, and skin color. Then the American part of me yerned for answers, and craved revenge. But what was I to I did what most others did. Nothing. I went about my fall with hay rides, pumpkin carving, baking, nanny-ing, Thanksgiving and Chirstmas....noble huh?
With the war we are currently engaged in, we are at war with my ancestors, people who could easily be related to me. The governement are currently debating going to war against the very country my family resides. That is scarry for me. The governments are trying to bully each other when the innocent usually liberal countrymen/women are the ones who pay for this playground battle. I have no suggestions on how to do the President's job, and for all I really know, it is a live and learn profession, I just know that since the day of Septemeber 11,2001 my outlook on government, war, innocence and country have changed.
So where was I when the towers went down....not only was I in a basement in my pj's...I was in a mental state of not caring about anyone or anything other than what affected me. And sadly enough, I am still there. What will it take to get me to change?

Friday, September 7, 2007

Things on my mind

What does it take for me to be happy?

How do I become maintain and enjoy physical activity?

When people look at me do they want to be like me as much as I want to be like them?

Why do I spend so much time making lists of things to do rather than doing something?

How do I maintain goals until they reach reality?

Why can't I be consistent?

How is it that I see you and crave your talents?

Why do I always feel my way is the only way?

Why can't my passion become my everyday?

Why do I have so many questions and so little answers?

All these questions are the result of looking though the myspace pages and a blogspot of a few people who I admire and wish I could be more like....I know the ultimate answer is that I have to be less lazy and more open to opportunities that I have...and if something doesn't go my way, don't give up be persistent till what I want is what I have.....but it sounds easier than it is for me to do...I mean for the few people I was catching up with via is their constant to do what they want when they want...they never give up....they never get so lazy that they lose sight of dreams and goals.....they are doers and movers....not sitters and listers......

Bed time....goodnight.

Monday, August 27, 2007


This is me, this picture was taken almost a year ago, however the only thing that has changed would be I now have contacts.
I would like to give a brief introduction as to who I am. A picture will show you, the outside, but most of the time that has no bearing on who you are in the inside.
I tease and say that I am a skinny girl stuck in a fat girl body. My chiropractor says I seriously am big boned, and that a size 8 will never happen for me now or later. I was born and raised in Fort Worth Texas. I have two little sisters who are my life. I love them with everything I have. We have had to stick together as a team. We remind each other, when it comes down to it, we are all we have. I have other family who loves me and I love them, but it is something different with my sisters.
I currently live in Arlington, and I will have many stories to share about how I got here, and why I am still where I am...but that is for a later blog. I live with my boyfriend his son, and my boyfriends sister and her family. Again, long story with no ending......later.
I just turned 27, and am not sure how to take this growing older thing. I look back at the last 27 years to think "What the hell have I done with myself...." no real solid answer. I am desperately searching for a new and improved me, only to be discouraged and return to my old life....I am learning that no bottle, pill or potion contains my happiness.
I never get the chance to be honest....not even with myself. I sugar coat everything to lessen the bitterness, I know this isn't healthy, that is why I hope that this blog will let me lose all my inhibitions with my words, thoughts and feelings. I can pretend that no one will read it, so to offend would be obsolete. However because I am a creature of praise, I don't make this blog private because I thrive on people telling me when I have a good idea, my writing is interesting, or telling me that I am the best.....I bask in it.....that's why I am public with my private thoughts.
I have a blog going on myspace however, I have so many family and friends on there, that I don't dare share my complete feelings, in fear someone will take offense or become upset with me. As much as I love praise, I hate sympathy.
This is all I think I can write for the evening.....School starts tomorrow for Aaron (Jason's son) and I have to get up and get him ready for school.
I look forward to our next chat!