Friday, November 23, 2007

Another one done.

This year during Thanksgiving, I cooked my first turkey.....I made a whole meal for our little family get together, it was Jason, Aaron, Hershal, Tracy and Alyssa. The turkey was moist and basically falling off the bones, I am not sure if that is a good thing, but I thought it made for easier carving.
After we ate, we went to Veida's house for more food. My mom, her boyfriend, my grandma, sisters and Jason and Aaron were all there. The coolest thing ever is when it started snowing. Now being 80 degrees yesterday, the snow didn't stand a chance when it hit the ground...but none the less, it was pretty dang cool.
Today is the annual parade of lights downtown fort worth. Woo hoo...normally I would be excited, however I am not looking forward to the cold and craziness.
All the while, I haven't taken a single picture this year, because I let Jason's sister Julie take the camera with her to show her mom a few pictures of their new house. I think Veida is going to be irritated that I don't have her camera.

Yesterday, Jason did the sweetest thing....while getting gas, he knew that I was sort of stressed out because we were running late to Veida's house, and he was just trying to be sweet....he bought me a single red rose and he and aaron gave it to me in the car. That was one of the first "just because" flowers he has ever given me.

Well, thats all I have right this second, I do have more to share, just I am not in a comfy position with this lap top and i have to go clean some more, so I will talk to you later.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Frustration and anger quickly set in as her true feelings are overlooked and his are right, regardless of the situation.
No matter where she turns her hurt overwhelms her heart. She hurts for many reasons, but maybe the heaviest is for all the sacrifices she makes for the love she harbors.
Those acts are felt to have been made in vain. She can't help but wonder if everything she has done is with selfish intentions. Were they done to help stimulate a reciprocal love?
If so, her plan is unraveling right before her eyes.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Questions borrowed from another blog

1.Three biggest fears?
(besides anything bad happening to a family member/child)
a. Not knowing who I was if I was knocked out or had amnesia.
b. Dying and no one coming to my funeral.
Never getting financially stable

2. When was the last time you danced?
other than at a stoplight in the car...I would have to say Jennie's birthday party in July.

3. Do you creep on stranger's blogs?
Um, yes a lot, how else am I supposed to be inspired, or kept up on the latest drama?

4. If you could go back to be any age for a day, what age would you be and why?
 I would have to say 16, that way I could make better choices....and I probably would have talked to my aunt and uncle more to learn how to balance a check book and save money.

5. Are you a good liar?
I could say no, but then the answer would be yes, because who knows if no was a lie or not....confused yet?

6. Do you judge someone when you can tell they've had elective cosmetic surgery?
Depends on why they had it...and if they looked freakish or not.

7. If you have children, what's one thing that you always told yourself you'd never do when you had kids?
I told myself that as a mom I would not sleep in while the kids were awake in the morning, but I have long sense changed my mind, so long as the kid is self reliant.

8. What's something that totally grosses you out?
Other peoples pimples and the idea of me popping them *PUKE

9. Do you ever delete forwards without reading them?
 yes just about all the time, unless they grab my attention.

10. Do you ever lie to get out of obligations?
I have before, and it depends on the obligation.

11. Consider your body weight and your yearly income at their present states. Would you rather be 200 pounds heavier and $200,000 richer or stay at your present states?
200 more pounds??? no that would make me over 500 and that is TLC "Layla the Whale" special....kinda big. No thanks!

12. When was the last time you bought a pair of shoes and what were they?
We almost bought baby booties for Lindsey tonight, but I would have to say that the last pair of shoes was for Jason, and they were cool brown tennis shoes...I need more shoes!

13. The Olympics. Take them or leave them?
Leave everything except for volleyball.

14. What's your favorite accent?
 I would have to say anything Western Europe.

15. What's your favorite scent?
Scent as in perfume?, well for guys it is Aqua Di Gio YUMMO! and for girls, well, anything with it.

16. Gum or breath mints?

17. If you could look like any celebrity, who would it be?
 I was once told by a 3 year old I looked like Rosie O'Donnel, pre full blown lesbian.....I would want to look like someone cute, possibly Jennifer Garner.

18. If you had the chance of looking like said celebrity in exchange for your thumbs would you do it? nah

19. Do you religiously wear sun screen?
No, I should though.

20. Do you generally trust people/their motives or doubt people/their motives?
That is my downfall sometimes, too trusting.

21. Would you describe yourself as a complicated person or is what you see what you get?
Well, depends on the situation, I guess this answer in itself explains I am complicated. lol

22. Do you watch what you eat?
 Yeah, I watch it go into my

23. Do you watch what other people eat?
 I do because I hate when people smack or chew with their mouth open.

24. Do you judge how other people raise their kids?

25. Do you judge people who dress poorly?
Well kinda, if they are too extreme in their dress I do make comments

26. Do you judge people who are homely?
Judge no, point and laugh, yes, lol, jk

27. Do you judge people who are overweight?
I judge myself daily.

28. Your interest in politics: High, Medium-High, Medium, Medium-Low, Low, Obsolete?
Low. I don't vote enough to have a higher interest level.

29. Favorite song of all time? Ready for Love by India Arie

30. Acoustic or electric?

31. If you were a hermit, would you shave?
 no, and i rarely do

32. If you could shave your head without your significant other throwing a complete hissy, would you?
on a bad hair day possibly.

33. What was your least favorite age?
4-11 during bits and pieces.

34. How many times a day do you check your email?
at least twice or three times.

35. Are you in a tiff with anyone right now?
 Well, I am generally always in a tiff with myself.

A little on the late side.


I have been having a bad few weeks, the thoughts and feelings expressed in the blog should be taken with that in mind. It isn't always bad, but it is easier to vent about the bad things than remember to mention the good!


Life has always been a roller coaster...that is an inevitable fact. But, why doesn't my roller coaster have any peaks anymore? UGH. I am tired of feeling like crap. I am tired of feeling like the bad guy....I am tired of it.

I never catch a break.

Jason has been acting like a total jerk to me lately. He doesn't like how I don't clean and wash, he is mad about my job situation, he doesn't like how I "deal" with his dad or son. Why is he with me if I am such a horrible person? Am I just his convience? Am I his go to girl...his semi (because he says I don't do it) maid, his cook, his taxi, his nanny.....and someone he can get physical with when it is convenient and when he is in the mood for it. I don't like not feeling special. and I don't feel anywhere near special with him right now. Seriously the past few days, the only time he talks sweet to me is when I bring him food. After that he is short snippy and typically jerky.
He wants me to be sweet and fun all the time. I would love to be that. BUT I CANT BE. I am the one who has to follow through with Aaron, he doesn't. Obviously what he had going on with his son didn't work. And what I did....does. Not that everything I do is right, but I am making Aaron accountable for his actions, and not giving him a way out. Jason's answer to anything is a threat of an butt whooping, or a trip to his moms. Me, I follow through with what I say is going to be the punishment. I make sure things are done as they are supposed to be...I do it. Not Jason. I am the one who talks to the teacher, I am the one who looks over, or makes sure Jason looks over the homework, I am the one who check to see if Aaron gets stamped or signed (good day or bad day) in his planner..I am the one who punishes him when he gets in trouble. I am the one who quizzes him on his spelling, I am the one who makes sure he has clean clothes to wear, I am the one who makes sure that the dog is taken care of, I am the one who attempts to clean up after them both, I am the one who makes sure there is some kind of dinner to be eaten, I am the one who most of the time has to make sure a bath is taken and hair washed, I am the one who arranges play dates and sleepovers, for the past two years I am the one who organized and executed his birthday parties, I am the one with the teachers and friends email and phone numbers.......but I am the one who gets the guilty comments about not having the job, I am the one who has a broken car and is stranded unless I am the taxi service, I am the one who is responsible in getting the broken car fixed....

I am at my wits end. I just want to sit and cry.

He hasn't kissed me in three days.

No cuddles for me in three days, and last week, it was no cuddles in almost two weeks.

I punish Aaron for not listening, he overrides. Makes me looks dumb. BUT how many times do I have to say that you need to have shoes on your feet when you go outside, especially in the HOOD where crack heads leave needles, used condoms, broken glass and who knows what else laying around....I am an adult I can look after myself, but Aaron, he can't pay attention to his own two feet, I don't trust him with the outside world...I make Aaron do a book hold, and because Jason wants to sleep, Aaron gets out of doing it. Book holds are two minutes wtih a book straight out in front of you, while you have to stand straight and deal with the muscle pain. UGH.

Tomorrow my phone will probably be shut off for a long while. I have no money, Jason has no money, Jason's dad (who has a cell phone account with me because he needed a phone and Jason volunteered me), has no money.....I am starting to babysit again next week, so hopefully it will be back on soon, but until then the best way to get ahold of me is through email.
My phone is a priority sure, but also my storage payment is due. And that is my first concern. I don't want to lapse too much in the storage, because I don't want all of my stuff to go to auction. I would be heartbroken if that happened. If for some nightmare of a reason that happened to me, you would probably have to commit me to a lunny bin.
I used to have my stuff together. I used to live on my own, paid my bills in a timely fashion, feel secure about my state in life. I held reputable jobs, and had moderate goals. Now, I feel like I am living day to day as our life is paycheck to paycheck, and we are still living in a two bedroom apartment with 7 people. Jason wants me to clean the room better, but most of it is crap piled on crap because we have no where to put stuff. Julie has the whole apartment to spread her stuff in, for three people we have a 12x12 room with a closet who's doors are jacked up, a huge king sized bed with a huge plasma screen and a huge desk, small dresser drawers and a medium sized dog cage. TONS of computer crap shoved under the bed, millions of school books and assignments he refused to toss, and unwashed clothes in plastic bins that also are used for table tops at the end of the bed.

I used to have the freedom of a car, to get to go and do what I want. But now, since we are depending on Jason's truck, I no longer have the ability to come and go, I have to work it out with everyone's schedule. During the day Hershal has the truck to buy and sell car parts, in between taking jason to and from Mckinney and Lewisville (depending on the day), How am I expected to find and keep a job if I have no sure way of getting there? I can't depend on other people. Jasons dad has no care or concept of others people schedule. He made me late for my cousins wedding because he wanted to do what he wanted to do. It makes Jason mad when I am not super friendly and cheery with his dad (and ex wife, but that's another issue all together - covered in a previous blog) I work with him, to no avail. But Jason doesn't see it. He just hears his dad gripe about me and me gripe about him. But when I am grippey I am in the wrong. Past few days, Jason says it is hard dealing with his dad, and so now he is in the right, but if I have a hard time dealing with him, I am wrong. How is that fair? I don't get to go to my aunt and uncles house like I used to, I don't get to go job hunting like I need or want to, I don't get to....all because my car is not here. And I bet as soon as it is fixed, Jason will take it to work, and I will still have to "work it out" with his dad. I don't want to. I want to have my freedom back. If I need something from the store, I don't want to ask Julie, or figure out where Hershal is, I don't want to walk down to the little store where the Chinese man stares at your everymove to make sure you are not the person who steals from him. I don't want to send Aaron to the store.....I want to get in my car and go. I don't want to have to worry about not having a car to go babysit, or work, or socialize.....I WANT MY CAR! Not to mention my job searching is limited the Arlington area to which we live, because I have to be convenient for everyone. Jason can work in Timbuktu, but that is for the best of everyone. I don't care where he works, just lets get my car working so he doesn't have to care where i work.

I am having a Partylite party tomorrow at my aunts house, and I didn't know how I was going to get there, not to mention that I was going to be making my gourmet caramel apples to take, but there is no money to do it. So, I lied to everyone about that. I was going to have to work with hershal to get me there, but now I am going with Julie, but I have to rush now, because she already had a baby shower to attend later in the afternoon, but now, since she is taking me, I am being nice (which I am rarely anymore) and helping her with the gift, games and food for the party.
Julie and I had a date tonight, we went shopping at walmart, and then went to Texas Roadhouse and had dinner. She was the guy tonight, because she paid. lol. We had fun, sitting there talking about how crappy our boyfriends treat us, and how they don't take the time to sit back and see how they are acting, they just blame us. It is good to know that I am not the only person having boy issues, and they don't even realized there is a problem.
Only if Jason could see, that I am still sweet and thoughtful, I am still me, but I am bogged down with his life more than I get to experience mine. If I wasn't sweet, I wouldn't pick him up from work, I wouldn't cook, I wouldn't worry about Aaron's school, or his social well being, I wouldn't be here. I would have said "forget you" a long time ago.
I love Jason. And he can't love me back. I have loved Jason for a long time. He has denied my love. Jason is probably my best friend. And he says I am his, but he doesn't show me. I was talking ot another friend and she has repeatedly told me to leave him. It isn't that easy. I know that I should be treated like a princess, and I know someone should adore me...and his quirky ways, he does do those things, but it isn't consistent, and all the other players in our storybook romance makes it less storybook and more horror. I am not blaming everyone else for Jason's behavior, and I am not saying I am not guilty, but what I am saying is that everyone around us and his concentration to work and television absorbs so much of Jason's emotion and time that he is spent, and puts me off for another chapter. *sigh*

He makes me laugh, he makes me smile, he makes sure that I have things around me that I enjoy doing, when he does hold me, I feel like I am the only person who matters, I wish it was like this more often.