Everyday in life kinda thing

Okay so, I am in a rut.
Not just a blogging rut.
An everyday in life kind of rut.

I hate feeling like this.

I need to change things, but pin pointing what it is drives me insane.
I always have a list of things I do that I want to be better at...
a list of things that if I put a little effort into I will be in such better state of mind and feel accomplished.
And sadly, this list is pretty much the same each time I am in a rut.
But finding the will power and desire to get it done...near impossible.

• housework, pretty much ALL aspects could be improved on. (again, that is why my blog has the name messy but loveable)
• sewing, I have started a facebook page, and soon will have an etsy up and running for the skirts I am selling, but when I have a lack of people interested, I find that I have a lack in desire, but when I have a few people wanting skirts, I feel pressured and rushed and don't like the final product.

can't win for losing in my own book.

• my weight..I have had a lapband fill in the last month, however it hasn't really helped me lose weight...but if I got off my lazy bottom and went for a walk, or use the gym membership I am paying monthly for, I am sure it would improve.

and on the same page just about....

• health. I have in the past been diagnosed with diabetes, however i was a bad patient. Jason has recently voiced concerns and wanted me to go to the doctor to follow up...I have done it, and i have been better at checking my blood sugar levels and taking my medicine, next I have to make better food choices.
• organization, lets face it, I read too many blogs.
  And while I know that the bloggers I read are not perfect by any means, and that they are not showing off their lives to be boastful, and to hide the ugly, it still isn't hard to imagine that their lives are all organized with their chalkboard to do lists, their well mannered sweet behaviored children and their menu/meal planning boards, with a cleaning schedule, a reading schedule, a bible study schedule, a blogging schedule and a date night schedule. It makes me envious...but the common theme to most of those who do run a well oiled machine of a life is being organized.
  I lack in the organization department,
  Which is funny because a lot of people outside my home think I am ubber on top of it. ha. little do they know, I live in piles of piles of piles.....only to be hiding more piles in my garage and closets, ha.
• blogging - I want to be on top of it.
  Caught up, not feeling bad about what I haven't posted that I wanted to....
  I want a weekly thing that I do, like fabulous foody Fridays you know something catchy, something that shares with my family and friends who read this a little bit about me...
  I want a pretty awesome blog....I don't care if I get paid a million dollars to write, I don't care if I have a million people following me...but I do care for journaling, and writing and connecting with people who are in the same walk of life as me, and or who have passed through and can share some wisdom, or about to start their journey in where I have been so what I write is helpful and informational for them...

And last but not least....

• I need to develop a greater walk with God. I need to grow stronger in my scripture study, personal prayer and fasting, in my ministries, in sitting and listening to what God is trying to talk to me about, but I always seem to be busy.
  Not necessarily busy with anything important, but if I am always plugged into the world around me, I am not allowing the Spirit to minister to me.
  My pastor gave us a great message on Sunday.
  He was talking about being still and trusting in God. Sometimes we try to jump ahead, and direct ourselves when God put us somewhere. And in the quiet times after he put us where he needs us to be, we try to jump the gun and move on...we take God's silence as His way of allowing us to move ourselves through this life, when He is trying to work in the background and we were supposed to stay and trust Him and His plan.
  I have a hard time with this.
  I try and try and try to over think, over try, over compensate when I think God wants me to SHOW my obedience rather than just BE obedient.
  I was always told we show God through our actions that we praise and worship Him, when in fact being still and not trying to play boss is what we are supposed to do sometimes.
  This brings up many questions....especially about this infertility journey we are on... I have to pray for this more, because I now am wondering this whole "wait and trust" topic, was this directed towards me and trying to jump the gun of God's plan and create a baby through ivf when he has a prefect plan, but I am not staying and trusting. (prayer warriors, i ask you to cover me in prayers for answer to this.)

To help in all of this rut busting.....I usually make lists.
and then I make a list of my lists
and then I make a list of my lists of my list.
and then I make a list of my lists of my lists of my lists.
you get the point.
I am so detailed and listed that I get overwhelmed and my lists just sit there and get dusty because I get defeated before I start. (can I get an amen?)

I love lists.

I feel like I focus better when I can physically mark something off...

I feel like lists can help others too, if they want to jump in and help, look at the list, pick something, and go and do it.
but I never share my lists.
I am kind of stingy with it. not that I don't like to share in the responsibilities, but I get soooo ocd that if they don't do what I feel like is a good job, then whats the point in them helping, I might as well do it myself.
Then because I am not able to get it done like I want.
I don't do it.
so it gets left undone
and I get in a rut..
and then I post blogs like this.
and vent.
and then I feel better about it
but it is still undone.

soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, there is the wicked cycle.

hopefully I can end it.

any suggestions?