Facetime with a special someone.

Sunday I got a text from Ainsley's mom.
She asked if we could Facetime with Ainsley on Monday.
So we made a date.
At 2pm on Monday, we would get on and visit.

I couldn't have asked for a better thing!

After Ainsley got out of the bath at about 2:30 (Texas time) she got on her mom's phone and facetimed me.

She was a nut.
She was soooo grown up.
She was the same ol' Ainsley.
She was perfect.

We acted silly making silly faces to each other.
She told me how she had a dog, she then corrected herself and said it wasn't a dog it was a pup pup.
She showed me a flip she learned in her gymnastics class.
She gave me a tour of her room
Showed me some of her toys.
She told me she was now 4 years old
Showed me the bunny rabbit we had stuffed for her at build a bear
She put me in a cabinet
She put me under a puzzle box
She took me outside for a "fantastic time" as her mom took the pup pup potty.
She let me watch her put a puzzle together
She told Jason to give me a wet willy
She kept saying "Layla I just have to tell you something"
She asked me if I cried for her while she was gone (i used to ask her that jokingly when she came to my house)
She showed me one of her "school books" and sang me her ABC's
.....
and and hour and a half later, i finally had to let her go.
She was sad.
I told her I had to go cook dinner and she told me to put her on the counter so she could watch me.
It broke my heart to see her little face turn sad when we hung up.
I cried.
a lot.

I am not over it.

And I am not going to be.

But I will talk to her as much as possible for as long as I can any time of the day no matter how sad I may be.....one day it will be easier....

Everyday in life kinda thing

Okay so, I am in a rut.
Not just a blogging rut.
An everyday in life kind of rut.

I hate feeling like this.

I need to change things, but pin pointing what it is drives me insane.
I always have a list of things I do that I want to be better at...
a list of things that if I put a little effort into I will be in such better state of mind and feel accomplished.
And sadly, this list is pretty much the same each time I am in a rut.
But finding the will power and desire to get it done...near impossible.

• housework, pretty much ALL aspects could be improved on. (again, that is why my blog has the name messy but loveable)
• sewing, I have started a facebook page, and soon will have an etsy up and running for the skirts I am selling, but when I have a lack of people interested, I find that I have a lack in desire, but when I have a few people wanting skirts, I feel pressured and rushed and don't like the final product.

can't win for losing in my own book.

• my weight..I have had a lapband fill in the last month, however it hasn't really helped me lose weight...but if I got off my lazy bottom and went for a walk, or use the gym membership I am paying monthly for, I am sure it would improve.

and on the same page just about....

• health. I have in the past been diagnosed with diabetes, however i was a bad patient. Jason has recently voiced concerns and wanted me to go to the doctor to follow up...I have done it, and i have been better at checking my blood sugar levels and taking my medicine, next I have to make better food choices.
• organization, lets face it, I read too many blogs.
  And while I know that the bloggers I read are not perfect by any means, and that they are not showing off their lives to be boastful, and to hide the ugly, it still isn't hard to imagine that their lives are all organized with their chalkboard to do lists, their well mannered sweet behaviored children and their menu/meal planning boards, with a cleaning schedule, a reading schedule, a bible study schedule, a blogging schedule and a date night schedule. It makes me envious...but the common theme to most of those who do run a well oiled machine of a life is being organized.
  I lack in the organization department,
  Which is funny because a lot of people outside my home think I am ubber on top of it. ha. little do they know, I live in piles of piles of piles.....only to be hiding more piles in my garage and closets, ha.
• blogging - I want to be on top of it.
  Caught up, not feeling bad about what I haven't posted that I wanted to....
  I want a weekly thing that I do, like fabulous foody Fridays you know something catchy, something that shares with my family and friends who read this a little bit about me...
  I want a pretty awesome blog....I don't care if I get paid a million dollars to write, I don't care if I have a million people following me...but I do care for journaling, and writing and connecting with people who are in the same walk of life as me, and or who have passed through and can share some wisdom, or about to start their journey in where I have been so what I write is helpful and informational for them...

And last but not least....

• I need to develop a greater walk with God. I need to grow stronger in my scripture study, personal prayer and fasting, in my ministries, in sitting and listening to what God is trying to talk to me about, but I always seem to be busy.
  Not necessarily busy with anything important, but if I am always plugged into the world around me, I am not allowing the Spirit to minister to me.
  My pastor gave us a great message on Sunday.
  He was talking about being still and trusting in God. Sometimes we try to jump ahead, and direct ourselves when God put us somewhere. And in the quiet times after he put us where he needs us to be, we try to jump the gun and move on...we take God's silence as His way of allowing us to move ourselves through this life, when He is trying to work in the background and we were supposed to stay and trust Him and His plan.
  I have a hard time with this.
  I try and try and try to over think, over try, over compensate when I think God wants me to SHOW my obedience rather than just BE obedient.
  I was always told we show God through our actions that we praise and worship Him, when in fact being still and not trying to play boss is what we are supposed to do sometimes.
  This brings up many questions....especially about this infertility journey we are on... I have to pray for this more, because I now am wondering this whole "wait and trust" topic, was this directed towards me and trying to jump the gun of God's plan and create a baby through ivf when he has a prefect plan, but I am not staying and trusting. (prayer warriors, i ask you to cover me in prayers for answer to this.)

To help in all of this rut busting.....I usually make lists.
and then I make a list of my lists
and then I make a list of my lists of my list.
and then I make a list of my lists of my lists of my lists.
you get the point.
I am so detailed and listed that I get overwhelmed and my lists just sit there and get dusty because I get defeated before I start. (can I get an amen?)

I love lists.

I feel like I focus better when I can physically mark something off...

I feel like lists can help others too, if they want to jump in and help, look at the list, pick something, and go and do it.
but I never share my lists.
I am kind of stingy with it. not that I don't like to share in the responsibilities, but I get soooo ocd that if they don't do what I feel like is a good job, then whats the point in them helping, I might as well do it myself.
Then because I am not able to get it done like I want.
I don't do it.
so it gets left undone
and I get in a rut..
and then I post blogs like this.
and vent.
and then I feel better about it
but it is still undone.

soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, there is the wicked cycle.

hopefully I can end it.

any suggestions?

Monday Listicles - Top 10 about 2012

Top Ten Clues That You Are Living in 2012

1. The morning paper has been replaced with checking your phone for updates on facebook, instagram, twitter and any other of the sorts.

2. Taking a picture is as easy as lifting your chin and pursing your lips together....can we say fish face with no double chin?

3. If you don't extreme coupon you might as well not sit at the "cool table"

4. There is an App for that....there is probably an app for this very list.

5. You can record,pause and rewind a live t.v. show,

6. Remember sitting by the boom box for a song to record, then you would have to listen, stop, play, rewind, to rehear it, or get the words, now lyrics are available at your fingertips.

7. When you look for something on the internet you are "googling'. I have even said something like this "Go to pinterest.com and google the word bakesale". any kind of searching is googling. That is now and adjective.

8. You can self diagnose with webmd, and you know you are dying at the littlest sign of a cough...we have developed a death complex.

9. You keep up with people via facebook, instead of visiting with them in person, writing on their timeline is less painful.

10. The very top way to know I am living in 2012, I am 32 years old. enough said.

Pearly Whites...

Jason's insurance changed this month. We are now paying out the nose for insurance. And we are slowly and expensively finding out that even though it "sounded' better (i.e. cheaper co-pays, better maternity benefits) the plan is not covering the things his other insurance did, including IUI.....woof.

BUT with that, Jason is on a kick about using up what things we get with his insurance. Open enrollment was in August since his company merged, but they are on a calender year plan, meaning his benefits restart in January....so we have 4 months to use up what we have, and then turn around and do it again next year.....

SOOOOOOOOOOOOO we started at the dentist.

Thursday Jason, Aaron and I went and saw a new dentist.
To tell you the truth, and you might be disgusted....I haven't been to the dentist in almost 10 years.

 Aaron had 5 small cavities, and had them all filled, as well as a basic cleaning.

Jason had a few cavities filled, as well as needs two teeth pulled (that we had to schedule) and needed a deep cleaning.

 

I had 5 small cavities that were filled, as well as a basic cleaning ... I have a crown that needs to be replaced and they had to schedule that as well..(can you believe this is all that was needed after 10 years of neglect)

The Afters.

 Jason had his gums numbed because his cavities were deep, and it was so numb that he was unable to move his top lip well. He likened it to having botox, ha. Here was Jason trying to kiss me goodbye. I love love love it! I laughed and laughed.

 Alyssa already has a dentist, and just came along for the ride. Jason Aaron and I all had rooms at the same time, and Alyssa had a fun time going room to room making fun of us.... so in light of her laughing at us, I am putting the pics I took of her at her new orthodontist office getting examined for continuation approval....This was a few weeks ago, and very flattering! ha. Fun times.

The Funky Feather - check it out.

So since I came out of the closet in my last post about not being pregnant....I thought I would let you know of something I am doing to get up my finances.....so I can do the pricey IVF.......

I have opened a facebook store, and it will soon turn into an etsy one once I get it all set up.

I will be selling

handmade hairbows and headbands
handmade sweets
upcycled scarves
upcycled jean skirts

and anything else I may or may not find to share with the masses.

I already have two people who are in the market for home made double layered carrot cake....

So it is a work in progress, but one night fiddling with photoshop I created this....honestly I like it, but I think I might end up adjusting the colors....we will see....

July's IUI, and some praise - but not what you think.

So I have put this post off for so long,
I have been plotting and planning on what I was going to say.
I wanted to get all the details down
I wanted to inform you on all the ins and outs....
but
since this all happened around the time my grandmother passed away....
I don't have the emotional energy to put THAT much effort.
So I am biting the bullet....
I am going to give you the gist,
and move on.

I did an IUI.

July 14th, I started my menstrual.
July 16th - 20th, I was on clomid, this time around (first time with the specialist) 100mg/daily.
sometime in between all this there was HUGE family dramas
July 23rd, after my local walgreens had my prescription for my trigger shot Ovidrel in there system since the 16th, they never told me they couldn't fill it and that it had to go to their specialty pharmacy. that day, I contacted the specialty pharmacy, and they over nighted the medicine, and didn't require payment up front. (just today I got the $97 bill in the mail for the shot)....
July 26th I went in for a sonogram, they were looking for follicles that were at least a 22cm, my largest one was an 18. Because the doctor didn't feel like it was large enough, he suggested I come back on Monday.
July 26th, the evening after my grandmother was admitted to the hospital, for at this point they thought was a blood clot, and were going to do a CAT scan on her.....I went to visit and we hung out and chatted...she told me she didn't have to worry about me, and that all my baby stuff will work itself out and I will get to be a mommy.
July 30th - Did another sonogram, the doctor was confident I would release one egg, they gave me my shot, and was told to come back in the morning with my husbands sample and they would do the IUI.
July 31st - At this point my grandmother had been at home with hospice since Saturday, and the end we knew was very near.... I hurried to give the sample, came back two hours later to have the procedure.

Now, I know Jason is not 100% comfortable with watching me in a doctors office with a doctor doing his business......so I didn't make him come back in the room with me. But secretly I wanted him with me. It was weird to know that I "conceived" and my husband wasn't around...
The doctor gave me good news about Jason's sample. His counts were much higher than it was in the past two samples he gave, which was promising.....
The procedure was done.
I was tilted backwards for 15 minutes.
At this point Jason came back with me to wait.
 We leave with the instructions: If I don't have my cycle by August 14th, then take a pregnancy test.

My ovulation calculator on my phone said I was to start on August 15th. I am pretty in sync with that thing, so I was figuring it to be on the dot correct.

August 6th, went to go get blood work done to check my progesterone levels
August 8th, called my doc for the blood work, and the nurse said my level was at an 8....they are looking to see a 10 or higher to determine ovulation...so it is a probability that I didn't ovulate even with the trigger shot.
(hows that for a waste of $100...ha.)

August 13th, my birthday.
I was pretty upset, I had a very bad birthday.
So I figured I would take a test, just to see.....the box does say that it can let you know "upto 5 days before your missed period" so I thought why not.
With everything that happened......(huge family dramas during the same week the doctor said I should probably keep calm, my grandmother being sick and then dying) I figured it was my turn for good news. Who cares what my progesterone levels were, women have had low numbers before, and it worked out for them....I need something to make me happy and peppy....come on positive test.
so I took a test, in secret....I didn't want Jason to get all hyped up....
I waited.
and waited.
two minutes takes.for.ever.
not pregnant.

so yeah. two days later I start my period.
and I haven't done anything since.
I haven't contacted the specialist.
I havent tried to get on any infertility treatments this month.
nothing.
for many reason.
namely we are tight on money right now.
my baby fund was used to pay for the IUI. and so it is now empty.
and according to the doctor, our next step is the ivf.

I think about adoption.
but that scares me.
and it cost tons of money as well.
the ideal situation for me is that I just naturally get pregnant.....

But right now....
the Lord has something in mind for me.
A lesson to learn, a habit to develop, a household to straighten up....

not sure what I am to do, but I trust in the Lord's timing, I will have my babies.....although it seems to me right this needs to hurry up...Jason is about ot 39 years old and I am 32..... but, there is just something that the Lord id wanting, and it is up to me to wait.

And I have come to the conclusion, if it is not the Lords will that I am to naturally have children, I will love whom ever and whatever God has in store for me. Right now I have Alyssa and Aaron at home....and being a step parent is not easy, and it is parenting, if that is all I am given, then thats all I need to have.....
The Lord knows my desires. He knows I want to experience having a baby in my womb, and to feel it move and grow and know the little thing before it knows the world....God knows that I want to raise my own baby, watch it develop into the toddler that will make me laugh as Ainsley did, and i will not have to give it up to someone who moves far away.
God knows I want to be the sappy mother who cries the first day of kindergarten and takes a million pictures, the mother that gets to know what it feels like to have a little heartbeat who knows mine, and who will look up at me and say "Mommy I love you".
He knows I want to be more than just Layla the wife, Layla the daughter and sister, Layla the step mom.....I want to be a childs superhero, I want to be Layla the mommy.
God knows.
and even if that never happens for me.
Or if it happens to me at the age of 60
I praise God for this time he has given me to prepare for the life He wants me to have.
I praise and thank God for the ability to reach out here on this blog and share my experience, to give comfort to those who are in the same process and feel so alone.
I praise God for this moment in my life, even though I have experienced a lot of sad and hurtful things in the last month....I still love and praise my God.

Minnesota or Bust!

Jason and I were asked to be the "College and Career" leaders of our church. Well neither of us really knew what that meant...so we just do what we do best....talk to them and feed them. We have tried to organize a few events, but no one comes, so if we just tell them we are going to come over eat and hang out, they all show up! ha ha.
But, with that, Brandon and Natashia have pretty much been at our house at least three nights a week, for the past few months...but we have hung out with them for a while now....and when they planned to get married in Minnesota, they asked us to come, and asked me to cook the sides. Natashia loves the way I make my green bean bundles and corn. So we agreed to come help.


Once we had the plans in place, I developed a Minnesota bucket list....

1. Go to an Amish community and visit.
2. Go to Mall of America
3. Eat cheese curds.

Brandon and Natashia throughout the last year. Believe it or not, I took every one of these pictures!!!

I flew up to Minnesota on Wednesday morning....When I got to Minnesota, I had to search and search and search for a rent car, because they had some kind of soccer tournament going on up there and everything was pretty much rented out.

breakfast of champions

Once I met up with Natashia, we ran to Target, then got ready for her bridal shower for her home church. The shower is the whole reason I went early. She wanted to me to be there with her. They had some great food (I thought it was an homage paid to Texas when they served a taco salad bar...ha ha ha)

She scored some great gifts, and the decorations were very beautiful. It put to shame my little shower I put together for them in June!

 Wednesday night, Jason, Joseph - the best man, Katrina (both a part of our college and career group) Neda and Rodney all drove in our newly fixed suburban.
Our car had engine and transmission problems, and it took FOREVER to get our car back.
They got to Bloomington on Thursday afternoon. I know it was only a day, but I couldn't have explained how excited I was to see my husband. When he walked into the church, I was standing on a chair hanging a curtain for the reception, and I hopped off and ran to him and gave him a huge hug and kiss....I missed him something awful!
We didn't give them a minutes rest, we put them right to work! Lots of wedding preparations! Their church has mid week service on Thursday....so that night we went to church. And then afterwards we went to dinner with the group from Minnesota and the crew we brought from Texas.

Friday we were shopping for the reception food,  more decorating! Between all the hustle and bustle of getting the wedding put together, we all decided to take a few hours out of our day to go and be tourists......scratch that off my list....

There is a Nickelodeon theme park smack dab in the center of the mall.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH who lives in a pineapple under the sea...... Here is just a little proof that we were actually there at the mall. ha ha.

Katrina, me, Neda looking like tourists!!!

Scratch that off my list!!! Here is me eating Cheese curds! Thank the Lord for free samples! I personally think that the cheese curds taste like a waxy cheese stick....I hear they are better when they are fried.

Peeps are my favorite thing about an Easter basket. I personally feel they are not tasty till Spring time, but it was fun to see a whole store dedicated to just marshmallow yumminess.... and how fun is it to say "hanging with my peeps"??? ha ha.

 Now, for the main event. I got to Minnesota on Wed, and we went straight to work. Thursday and Friday we were setting up the decorations for the wedding and the reception...We went food shopping for the whole reception....but Saturday July 21st, even though I was busy running around like a chicken with my head cut off being a wedding plannerish-personal assistant I also was cooking the beans and corn, over seeing the reheat of mashed potatoes and Jason grilled 45 pounds of chicken.....I still was able to sit back and watch my two college and career kids pledge their lives to each other. It was just about the sweetest ceremony I have seen! I couldn't be a prouder person of the two of these kids. I felt as if my own flesh and blood was getting married, and I cried like a baby!

The beautiful couple....I was honored to be a part of their big day!

We left Minnesota on Saturday at about 7ish, and we drove home. We pulled into church at 10:10am on Sunday just in time for Jason to jump behind the sound board and work the service. Krisha (the substitute sound person) couldn't have been more excited to see Jason! ha ha. Here are a few pics of us stopping in Iowa.

Did I mention that while we were up in Minnesota, our engine on the truck messed up again, and so we had drove all the way home with a stuck cylinder in our engine, yeah, we just wanted to get home, so lots of prayers went towards the quick and safe travels!

Got to love Joseph! He was showing us on the map where the race car museum was, just in case we felt like going out of our way to go see it. ha ha ha.

 At the end of the trip I was able to scratch 2 and 1/2 things off my list.....Mall of America, check, Cheese curds, check.....going to an Amish community....no, but Natashia's God Dad, the person who gave her away, was an Ex-Amish, AND he had Amish bread brought to the wedding. I am going to count that has a half....ha ha ha. AND I brought some bread home, and now I wish I could bake Amish bread!!!! ugh, i want more!!! ha ha ha.

One More Crazy Thought Process!

August 11th
• Is it weird that I am already doing my 2011 year summary.....I figure if I do it a little at a time, it will more than likely get done because I won't be overwhelmed and give up too quick!
• I hate my tile floor! The floor is bad bad bad, the weird marble floor in the foyer and the funky stuff in the livingroom. dumb dumb dumb. I miss carpet.
• I felt inspired the other night. No not the tamale day, the night before.....I put away some laundry that was sitting in my livingroom for about 5 days, I swept the kitchen, cleaned it better than it has been for several months, and I watched some crochet videos-I am looking to pick up grandmas hobby......wooohoo
• Jason has been convicted to have everyone in the family pick up a musical talent. Aaron is playing the bass for youth, Jason is thinking about picking up the guitar, Alyssa wants to learn the drums, but I think Jason is thinking more like the violin, and I am going for the piano...I can't wait! I have wanted to play the piano since I was like 4 years old.
• I am pretty sure I need to wash my hair. I shower, but not always wash my hair....gross, maybe, does it make doing my hair easier, yes. Free tip of the day: Dirty hair is easier to style because the grease on your scalp helps your hair to hold styling products and heat.
• I have like 432,566,345.8 million tamales. I will be giving some away, but alot of them will be put in the freezers for when I don't feel like cooking!

          Updated on August 13th...

• I have learned to not start a random thought post, then save it to publish later, because then some of the thoughts are no longer valid....like as of right now, I have not froze any tamales, I have already washed my hair...
• The maid fairy didn't come and clean on my birthday, boo.
• I am hungry, and not for tamales.

Thanks for reading my random thoughts.

Happy Birthday to ME!

With today being my 32nd birthday, I have a few things on my wish list....some of them may or may not be doable, like....

• cheaper gas prices - can we have 1997 back??
• A maid/organizer/teacher of all things perfect running household/proverbs 31 extraordinaire...
• 120 pound weight loss, with no stretchy skin, or left over stretch marks
• a booming blog, that is making me extra cash so I don't have to get a job.
• A pair of stylish glasses
• A positive pregnancy test, followed up with a successful and easy pregnancy.
• A size 9 shoe (I am an 11) with normal size toes and no corns...
• Consistency in things I say I will do
• A considerable amount in savings with no temptations to use it.
• Window treatments - I have been alive for 32 years, and living on my own for 12 at least, and I have never ONCE put up curtains....am I considered grown up without them?
• Breakfast at Ihop, with grits and everything!
• Dinner that has crab in it.
• soft maxi skirts
• a pair of comfy Toms
• the whole nativity scene from Avon

and last but not least.....

• One more day with my Grandma, the happy go lucky grandma who is not hurting or sick....so I can soak up her stories, her love, her......

But since I can't have the last one especially, I am left with nothing more than my memories and mementos, and luckily, I have one I saved on my voicemail last year, unknowingly.

Enjoy....I know I do!

Tamales on the brain.....causes problems

The other day I made some extra meat so I froze it for just the right meal.

Today I woke up and thought "hmmmmm, I think I want some tamales"

So, I started making them about 1pm with my friend Krisha.....

By the time they were done, it was 10:30p.

I am sure it doesn't normally take so long to do a few dozen tamales, however, I steamed them in two batches and also took a small break in between, and also made a carrot cake in the middle of it all....

I was a bit busy. So when there is tamales on the brain, the problem it causes it,

an all day tamale-thon...my back hurts now! ha ha.

 mixing the masa. there is no real recipe... it does take chicken broth, chili powder, salt and garlic powder

Spreading the masa, it is a technique that only a few can conquer.

Here is Krisha and me....being conquerors.I have made tamales several times, this was her first time, and she did fantastic!!

The loot.

Steaming the tamales

After I made Mexican rice, refried beans, and meat chili sauce, we had a finished product...

and yes, you should be jealous.

Happy 4th Birthday Ainsley Grace!

On July 21st, my sweet dear Ainsley turned 4 years old.

Since she has left on June 1st, I have got to talk to her a few times.

This last time, she told me that she had a bed for me to come sleep in when I come to visit her.

It still breaks my heart to talk to her, but at the same time I am excited each time I do.

The Tuesday before her birthday I sent her a birthday package.
We had talked a few days before and she told me she wanted the following items..
a book about Brave the movie
hairbows
skirts
and a bunny

well, I had given her a build a bear bunny already, and we programmed two sayings in each hand, one saying says
"Ainsley Layla loves you, you are my favorite"
and the other hand says
"Ainsley say your prayers, Thank you Jesus for my day, Amen"

So I ended up buying her

• two skirts
• a Brave book
• a book about love
• bath tub crayons
• a fun shirt

I think there may have been a few other little things, but I can't remember now.

Anyways, On her birthday Ainsley's mother sent me a text message of Ainsley with a few of her gifts...she has gotten so big!!!!! Happy Birthday my sweet sweet girl!

Before.

My last post, I had every intention of getting you updated....
My last post, I had a list to write about for the listicle link up - my favorite topic - annoying noises....
My last post, was before July 26th. the day my grandmother last had a real conversation with me.
My last post was before my grandmother said she "needed me" to be by her side.
My last post was before the doctors sent my grandmother home with hospice.
My last post was before we sat as a family gathered from all over the country, by my grandmothers bedside.
My last post was before I had heard in a jumbled almost in coherent words "i love you too" and "layla, I am ok"
My last post was before July 31st at 6:30pm...the time my grandmother passed away holding my baby sisters hand.
My last post was before I was asleep in my grandmothers bed when she passed away.
My last post was before we had to grieve as a family.
My last post was before the person in my life I could always trust to be on my side laid lifeless in a bed in my aunt and uncles house.
My last post was before we had to bury the only grandparent I ever knew.
My last post was before I had to create a new normal in my head, a new place I could go to when I wait for my phone to ring, wait for my grandma to call to ask a random crossword clue, wait for my grandma to tell me she just wanted to hear my voice.
My last post was before......

before my world was changed.

So, now almost a week since her passing, I am able to write. I am able to say she passed without falling to pieces....

Hopefully you will get another update soon, but just know, this was all BEFORE.