Angels Embrace.

The last few days before Ainsley left I made sure to get many many cuddles. Sadly, I spent most of these cuddle times sniffiling and crying. My heart hurt so much for this little girl.

 Nikolas and Victoria spent the night that last night as well. So Ainsley got to play with them. And Nikolas L.O.V.E.S. Ainsley. She would walk into the room and he would bum rush her. He didn't know his own strength and would pretty much almost knock her over. She loves him too.

 I was getting her changed from play clothes to nicer clothes so we could go out to eat. And she said to me "Layla I love you SOOOOOOOOO much" then she would hug my neck. She plastered her face against mine and said "Now take a picture". Ha. The first one was her being sad because I told her that she was not going to see me anymore after she told me she was going to California.... Then the next picture ws us laughing because she said she would hide in my closet and stay here.....then the last picture is her "sweet" smile....

 I asked Ainsley where she wanted to go for breakfast. And she specifically asked for Cracker Barrel. It was a mess of a brunch (we got there about noon). I had breakfast, she wanted a hamburger, but by the time we were done eating, she ate most of my bacon and a lot of my pancake. At that point, it was all I could do not to cry every second, so I would have given her just about anything she wanted!

After we ate we went and bought her whatever she wanted from Cracker Barrels shop. She ended up with a bubble gun, a sucker of Texas and a harmonica. Ha.
While we were waiting for Jason to finish picking up the check, we were standing by the Willow Tree figurines. She saw this one figurine of an ange holding a small child and she said, "Look Layla it is just like me and you"
and that was the exact moment....
my.heart.split.

We checked out, and left.
On the way down the road, I told Jason what Ainsley had said about the figurine, and without asking me, he turned the car around and went back to the restaurant. He then told me not to argue with him, and to go inside and buy the exact figurine.
I got inside and bought it.
I read the description of the figurine, and realized, it was perfect.

Angels Embrace : "Hold Close That Which We Hold Dear"

While waiting for Will (her future step dad) to pick her up to leave town, we did a few things. We went outside and played with her bubble gun, popped little pop-its (she loves them) and then we also played with sidewalk chalk.

In the picture on the right (to see the actual figures turn your head to the right slightly!), she told me she drew me and her, she pointed to the figure on the left and said "this is you because you have a big head and two feet" and then she pointed to the one on the right and said "this is me because I have a small head and I like to hold your hand"


After playing outside, we came in, and sat on the couch together, as we hung out she fell asleep on me. So I lifted her up, and held her. I spent the next hour and a half just like this...

This is the sweetest way for me to think about her. Our last picture.

Right about 4:00pm Will came and picked her up. I thought I was going to be all big and tough and hand her over and walk them out and small talk as if they would be over again tomorrow. But as soon as Will walked in, my heart sank, the tears rolled and I couldn't physically hand the sleeping angel over. I felt like someone was taking my own flesh and blood from me. I passed her sleeping body over to Jason, waved goodbye and ran to my room. At that point I cried harder than I think I ever had. I was heart broken.

Since June 1st, I have talked to Ainsley once on the phone. I don't cry as often (maybe once or twice a week.....tonight because I have to see her stinkin' face all over my blog) and I still miss her like crazy. It is funny the little things that remind me of her....and it is way more than just seeing her little face in pictures...

Today is day 28 that I haven't seen her...

sigh.

The one thing I have learned in this process is, I do not think I could ever be a foster parent. I fell so deeply in love with Ainsely, and she started out as a "craigslist job".....that I do not think I could go through that kind of heartbreak again.

We are trying to plan a family vacation out to California to visit her. Please pray for our finaces to be able to get this trip planned and executed!!! I need to see her soon! I might jump a plane and go out to see her before an actual vacation....missing her hurts so bad!!!