Today as I sat in a planning meeting and we were throwing around ideas about a girls conference centered around "inner beauty" I realized that I am thankful for the inner beauty I have found. There have been many many times (years and years to be exact) where I looked in the mirror and hated what i saw. I hated the fat I have always had on me. I hated the color of my hair. I hated the plain face looking back at me. I just hated the lack of beauty I thought I had.
I would love to say this hatred was "back" when I was "younger"....but honestly it was very recent. I would try to make myself different...color and cutting my hair to change what the Lord had already given me. Covering my face with makeup to hide the imperfections I saw that were haunting me. Starving myself then being so hungry I would gourge myself till I was sick trying to figure out how to quickly change my outward apperance.
I strived for male attention to just HEAR someone tell me I was pretty enough....I was always afraid I was the eternal "friend" and never marriage material....being single for the rest of my life seemed to be what would be the final result....
Something has changed.
I have found who I am when I lost the charade I was putting myself through.
I have found an inner peace where I used to be be chaotically seeking approval. I am pretty enough to love, I am skinny enough to hug, I am funny enough to keep your attention...I was always seeking the yes answer to "AM I GOOD ENOUGH"
Where did I find this inner peace that has calmed the sea of good enough??? Well that my friends is through finally seeing beyond the makeup, the weight and the personality....I worked with what the Lord has given me, and don't try to fix something he created. (Sure I am losing weight, and obviously it wasn't the Lord who made me take a bite of the food that made me fat....but he has a plan for me, and it is my job to be prepared to do the job...and I know that I am to have children, and so now my job is to lose the weight it takes for me to be healthy enough to have these kids...) I don't repaint his masterpeice anymore. I finally am breaking down my vanity brick by brick and letting Him shine though my actions, my words, my body......and I am enjoying and loving the way this looks.
It's not to say I don't have the days where I look in the mirror and sigh hoping to see a runway models body instead of the pleasently plump one that stood there looking back at me....but I don't dwell on it and get sad and depressed about it, and go and try to hide it or cover it up with something that is against the will of God.
I am letting God be God and letting me be the spiritual being living this human exsistance.....
all this talk reminds me of the scripture in Matthew.... "Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in Heaven"
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