A little on the late side.

**PREFACE**

I have been having a bad few weeks, the thoughts and feelings expressed in the blog should be taken with that in mind. It isn't always bad, but it is easier to vent about the bad things than remember to mention the good!

**BLOG**

Life has always been a roller coaster...that is an inevitable fact. But, why doesn't my roller coaster have any peaks anymore? UGH. I am tired of feeling like crap. I am tired of feeling like the bad guy....I am tired of it.

I never catch a break.

Jason has been acting like a total jerk to me lately. He doesn't like how I don't clean and wash, he is mad about my job situation, he doesn't like how I "deal" with his dad or son. Why is he with me if I am such a horrible person? Am I just his convience? Am I his go to girl...his semi (because he says I don't do it) maid, his cook, his taxi, his nanny.....and someone he can get physical with when it is convenient and when he is in the mood for it. I don't like not feeling special. and I don't feel anywhere near special with him right now. Seriously the past few days, the only time he talks sweet to me is when I bring him food. After that he is short snippy and typically jerky.
He wants me to be sweet and fun all the time. I would love to be that. BUT I CANT BE. I am the one who has to follow through with Aaron, he doesn't. Obviously what he had going on with his son didn't work. And what I did....does. Not that everything I do is right, but I am making Aaron accountable for his actions, and not giving him a way out. Jason's answer to anything is a threat of an butt whooping, or a trip to his moms. Me, I follow through with what I say is going to be the punishment. I make sure things are done as they are supposed to be...I do it. Not Jason. I am the one who talks to the teacher, I am the one who looks over, or makes sure Jason looks over the homework, I am the one who check to see if Aaron gets stamped or signed (good day or bad day) in his planner..I am the one who punishes him when he gets in trouble. I am the one who quizzes him on his spelling, I am the one who makes sure he has clean clothes to wear, I am the one who makes sure that the dog is taken care of, I am the one who attempts to clean up after them both, I am the one who makes sure there is some kind of dinner to be eaten, I am the one who most of the time has to make sure a bath is taken and hair washed, I am the one who arranges play dates and sleepovers, for the past two years I am the one who organized and executed his birthday parties, I am the one with the teachers and friends email and phone numbers.......but I am the one who gets the guilty comments about not having the job, I am the one who has a broken car and is stranded unless I am the taxi service, I am the one who is responsible in getting the broken car fixed....

I am at my wits end. I just want to sit and cry.

He hasn't kissed me in three days.

No cuddles for me in three days, and last week, it was no cuddles in almost two weeks.

I punish Aaron for not listening, he overrides. Makes me looks dumb. BUT how many times do I have to say that you need to have shoes on your feet when you go outside, especially in the HOOD where crack heads leave needles, used condoms, broken glass and who knows what else laying around....I am an adult I can look after myself, but Aaron, he can't pay attention to his own two feet, I don't trust him with the outside world...I make Aaron do a book hold, and because Jason wants to sleep, Aaron gets out of doing it. Book holds are two minutes wtih a book straight out in front of you, while you have to stand straight and deal with the muscle pain. UGH.

Tomorrow my phone will probably be shut off for a long while. I have no money, Jason has no money, Jason's dad (who has a cell phone account with me because he needed a phone and Jason volunteered me), has no money.....I am starting to babysit again next week, so hopefully it will be back on soon, but until then the best way to get ahold of me is through email.
My phone is a priority sure, but also my storage payment is due. And that is my first concern. I don't want to lapse too much in the storage, because I don't want all of my stuff to go to auction. I would be heartbroken if that happened. If for some nightmare of a reason that happened to me, you would probably have to commit me to a lunny bin.
I used to have my stuff together. I used to live on my own, paid my bills in a timely fashion, feel secure about my state in life. I held reputable jobs, and had moderate goals. Now, I feel like I am living day to day as our life is paycheck to paycheck, and we are still living in a two bedroom apartment with 7 people. Jason wants me to clean the room better, but most of it is crap piled on crap because we have no where to put stuff. Julie has the whole apartment to spread her stuff in, for three people we have a 12x12 room with a closet who's doors are jacked up, a huge king sized bed with a huge plasma screen and a huge desk, small dresser drawers and a medium sized dog cage. TONS of computer crap shoved under the bed, millions of school books and assignments he refused to toss, and unwashed clothes in plastic bins that also are used for table tops at the end of the bed.

I used to have the freedom of a car, to get to go and do what I want. But now, since we are depending on Jason's truck, I no longer have the ability to come and go, I have to work it out with everyone's schedule. During the day Hershal has the truck to buy and sell car parts, in between taking jason to and from Mckinney and Lewisville (depending on the day), How am I expected to find and keep a job if I have no sure way of getting there? I can't depend on other people. Jasons dad has no care or concept of others people schedule. He made me late for my cousins wedding because he wanted to do what he wanted to do. It makes Jason mad when I am not super friendly and cheery with his dad (and ex wife, but that's another issue all together - covered in a previous blog) I work with him, to no avail. But Jason doesn't see it. He just hears his dad gripe about me and me gripe about him. But when I am grippey I am in the wrong. Past few days, Jason says it is hard dealing with his dad, and so now he is in the right, but if I have a hard time dealing with him, I am wrong. How is that fair? I don't get to go to my aunt and uncles house like I used to, I don't get to go job hunting like I need or want to, I don't get to....all because my car is not here. And I bet as soon as it is fixed, Jason will take it to work, and I will still have to "work it out" with his dad. I don't want to. I want to have my freedom back. If I need something from the store, I don't want to ask Julie, or figure out where Hershal is, I don't want to walk down to the little store where the Chinese man stares at your everymove to make sure you are not the person who steals from him. I don't want to send Aaron to the store.....I want to get in my car and go. I don't want to have to worry about not having a car to go babysit, or work, or socialize.....I WANT MY CAR! Not to mention my job searching is limited the Arlington area to which we live, because I have to be convenient for everyone. Jason can work in Timbuktu, but that is for the best of everyone. I don't care where he works, just lets get my car working so he doesn't have to care where i work.

I am having a Partylite party tomorrow at my aunts house, and I didn't know how I was going to get there, not to mention that I was going to be making my gourmet caramel apples to take, but there is no money to do it. So, I lied to everyone about that. I was going to have to work with hershal to get me there, but now I am going with Julie, but I have to rush now, because she already had a baby shower to attend later in the afternoon, but now, since she is taking me, I am being nice (which I am rarely anymore) and helping her with the gift, games and food for the party.
Julie and I had a date tonight, we went shopping at walmart, and then went to Texas Roadhouse and had dinner. She was the guy tonight, because she paid. lol. We had fun, sitting there talking about how crappy our boyfriends treat us, and how they don't take the time to sit back and see how they are acting, they just blame us. It is good to know that I am not the only person having boy issues, and they don't even realized there is a problem.
Only if Jason could see, that I am still sweet and thoughtful, I am still me, but I am bogged down with his life more than I get to experience mine. If I wasn't sweet, I wouldn't pick him up from work, I wouldn't cook, I wouldn't worry about Aaron's school, or his social well being, I wouldn't be here. I would have said "forget you" a long time ago.
I love Jason. And he can't love me back. I have loved Jason for a long time. He has denied my love. Jason is probably my best friend. And he says I am his, but he doesn't show me. I was talking ot another friend and she has repeatedly told me to leave him. It isn't that easy. I know that I should be treated like a princess, and I know someone should adore me...and his quirky ways, he does do those things, but it isn't consistent, and all the other players in our storybook romance makes it less storybook and more horror. I am not blaming everyone else for Jason's behavior, and I am not saying I am not guilty, but what I am saying is that everyone around us and his concentration to work and television absorbs so much of Jason's emotion and time that he is spent, and puts me off for another chapter. *sigh*

He makes me laugh, he makes me smile, he makes sure that I have things around me that I enjoy doing, when he does hold me, I feel like I am the only person who matters, I wish it was like this more often.